I've given someone the worst advice, what do I do?

[Amberh9169]

I have a male friend from work, we've known each other for over 5 years.

Recently at our Xmas party we got very drunk and he confinded in me about his marriage. A couple of years ago before he found out his wife was talking sexually with other men online. He worked late some nights and on those days his wife would go online. He found out by chance reading one of her chat histories. She was chatting with lots of men, gaining pleasure and being 'very very easy'.

He asked her to explain her actions but she just turned the whole thing on him for checking up on her. Nothing more was said and hes tried to move on ever since.

He told me that they have an active sex life but not to this level, he would love to do this stuff but his wife wont go there with him like she did with these men. That's made him feel extremely low because he cant understand why.

Hes still hurting from it and he asked me what he should do. I stupidly told him that if it wasnt happening anymore and he loved her to stay with her. I was very drunk and wanted to try and help him move on. I feel I have said the wrong thing but how do I approach the subject? Do I just leave it?

Was he drunk when he discussed this with you?

Well, you aren't in control of his decision making but if he's a friend then your concern about the conversation is easily remedied. Tell him that what you said when you spoke that head been really troubling you and in the sober light of day your thoughts differ. What's most important here though isn't what you said but how he's doing.

Sounds like male work friend would like you to "help" him through his difficult time. 🤨 Perhaps he hopes you'll do the things she won't.

Your advice was ideal for deflecting an attempt by a colleague for an extramarital hookup.

Be very wary of his motivations - and the truth of his story. His story isn't even that origianal.

Weird! Let me get this straight, he’s prepared to overlook his wife’s online sexual indiscretions as long as he benefits by getting like for like treatment.

He obviously wants his denial to be repaid by sexual favour. Thats all kinds of messed up, that you don’t want to be within a mile of. Stop offering this man advice and listening to him and his wife’s marital issues.

Oooh goody another post where we get to call the woman in question all sorts of misogynistic names while the OP gets thoroughly overexcited 🙄.

Just leave it. You were both drunk. If he takes your advice that seriously he's an idiot.

It quite clearly says they were both drunk .

Why do you think it is the wrong advice ? Would you like to help him through this ? .

I think you need to take a step back. He’s confiding very personal stuff to you. A friend you say, but also a work colleague.

You’ve said what you’ve said, now just leave it

It’s absolutely none of your business, he is not your responsibility, nor do you know the true full story. Don’t get involved again.

Never give advice! Listen and sympathise, maybe suggest things if ou are close but always from the basis that you're not an expert.

Leave it alone now, you've done your bit.

He’s a grown up and can make his own decisions. No offence but I doubt he’s going to base his entire life decisions on the drunk advice of someone he works with.

I'd lose all respect for a colleague who would talk about the goings on in their marriage. Very disloyal and indiscrete. It doesn't matter what your "advice" was, he's an adult, so he should take ownership of whatever action he decides to take next.

Just steer well clear of him if he tries it on with you, it won't end well believe me.

What a fucking creep he sounds.

Agree with not giving advice in these situations.
Imagine if you had told him to leave her, and he had and then blamed you.
you advised him to stay. but he must make his own mind up.

He was just trying it on with you. Time for those scales to fall from your eyes OP.

Let it go.

He's a grown adult who can make his own choices. Even if he did follow your advice and blamed you- its still not your fault, he isn't a robot, he's perfectly capable of weighing up the pros and cons himself. He knows his situation far better than you so its really on him to decide.

If I gave someone advice and they took it and it went horribly wrong I wouldn't feel guilt at all- noone is obliged to take my advice, its a suggestion, not an order, and I am not responsible for their life choices- they are.
Equally, I wouldn't blame anyone else if I took their advice and it went wrong, I made the decision, I took the action, I decided thats what I was going to to. Its on me, noone else.

Say nothing. Talking about his sex life in the cold light of day would be wrong.

I’m also wondering his motives for talking to you about such a personal subject at an office party. If he mentions it again, just say he should be talking to his wife, not you.

Incidentally, why is staying with your wife who you have an active sex life wrong? He said he was hurt by her actions, not wanting to separate.

That was him making a pass at you.

He was trying it on with you. The advice you gave is neither here nor there. He sounds a creep divulging intimate details of his personal life to a work colleague.

Sounds like he’s looking for a FWB, I think you said the most appropriate thing. Perhaps in your opinion it wasn’t the best advice, but in any case I don’t think that you’re the one who is best placed to give him ‘you should leave advice’.

Here come all of the posts where everyone says the guy was:
Trying it on
Trying to get sex
Shouldn't ever be confiding (drunk or not)
A creep

OP works with this guy. Has done for 5 years.
If this was female to female or male to male advice (work friendships are crazy).. it would be fine. More than fine. It would be an in depth drunken discussion lasting a while.

But how dare.. how dare someone of the opposite sex ask for advice.

@Amberh9169

You've said your opinion. Albeit drunk but theres nothing you can do.
Move on and he can only make the right decisions for me.
Like I said.. work relationships are crazy. I would have conversations with work colleagues (male or female) that I wouldn't have with friends outside work and vice versa.

Nah, you gave him the right advice. If he was trying it on, hopefully he now realised you’re not interested. If he wasn’t and he takes your advice, he can always change his mind later and leave, which is easier than if you’d advised him to leave and he did and then changed his mind. I would never mention it again if I were you. And avoid getting drunk with him.

Sounds like male work friend would like you to "help" him through his difficult time. 🤨 Perhaps he hopes you'll do the things she won't.

Your advice was ideal for deflecting an attempt by a colleague for an extramarital hookup.

Be very wary of his motivations - and the truth of his story. His story isn't even that original*

This. This. This.

Classic my wife doesn’t understand me bollocks. Steer clear.

The ‘he’s trying it on opinions’ don’t come out of fresh air, they come out of bitter experience unfortunately. And the longer the friendship, sometimes the better they know how to play the emotions of the female friend.

It’s a shame, a few bad men spoiling it for all the rest ‘just wanting to be friends’?