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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got my mum arrested

26 replies

Justyouraveragehuman · 02/01/2020 23:03

Hey guys, I posted on here over Christmas about my mums abusiveness and tonight I have had her arrested and I just can’t sleep I feel terrible. She is an alcoholic and has been for years!

She has spat it my face, attacked me and another family member tonight.

This has all been going on for years and tonight it has just become too much. Please someone reassure me, I am losing my mind here and I am scared of how much more angry this is going to make her.

OP posts:
Wildboar · 02/01/2020 23:04

You’ve done the right thing. Does she feel bad for her behaviour when sober?

Original poster
Justyouraveragehuman · 02/01/2020 23:07

Yes, she’s usually horrified when she founds out what she has done. However I am worried she’ll just get drunk again tomorrow. I am saving up to move out in the next few months so I guess I have to put up with it until then!

OP posts:
Gutterton · 02/01/2020 23:08

100% the right decision.

What will you do now?
Will you pick her up from the police station etc
OR
Go NC and get support for yourself through Al anon?

TARSCOUT · 02/01/2020 23:11

You did the right think. Sadly it is more than likely she will kick off when she drinks again. Is there absolutely no one you can stay with until you have saved to move out?

Louise91417 · 02/01/2020 23:13

She cant be that horrified when she continues to drink. You didnt get her arrested for nothing...hopefully this is a wake up call she needs but i seriously doubt it..i feel for you..not a nice predicament to be put in but this is abuse..covering it up for her by not reporting her is doing her no favours. Try not to feel guilty, you have done nothing wrongFlowers

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2020 23:13

do you live with your Mum OP... there may be bail conditions of no contact? can you relocate asap ? Flowers

azigazigah · 02/01/2020 23:15

Hopefully if she's bailed it won't be to the address where you are.

user1497997754 · 02/01/2020 23:19

My daughter got me arrested for drink driving it was the best thing she did and I am thankful she did. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to sort herself out

LadyLightning · 02/01/2020 23:20

definitely need to get support for yourself and al anon is a great place to start. You did nothing wrong, remind yourself that everything happening to her is because of her choices, not yours.

Original poster
Justyouraveragehuman · 02/01/2020 23:22

Unfortunately I do live back at home with my parents and have done for a few months now due to a relationship breakdown. If I stayed, it will only be for a few more months.

I have a friend that I could live with however it’s not ideal but I guess it’s better than living here.

It’s a constant cycle of her getting drunk for weeks then her realising what she has been doing and being sober for a few weeks and then it just starts again and continues.

I have already reached the point where I know I cannot help her anymore but it’s breaks my heart to see the relationship some people have with their mums and mines just a bloody liability to say the least! Hmm I just feel so much hate towards her

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 02/01/2020 23:26

Perhaps this is the one where she touches bottom and changes. Might end up being very disturbing for her to wake up hungover in a cell.

Elieza · 02/01/2020 23:31

Sorry you are going through this opFlowers

Sarcelle · 02/01/2020 23:34

You mention living with your parents- where is your dad in this?

slashlover · 02/01/2020 23:41

Your mum got herself arrested by acting the way she did. She's had years to go to her GP/Al anon/ask for help and hasn't.

BobbyBlueCat · 02/01/2020 23:48

You don't get your mum arrested. She got herself arrested.

More people on here should do exactly what you have done.
Well done OP. You need to do this each and every time she carries out these behaviours. No exceptions.
And if and when she is ready for help, the custody process will offer her much more support and avenues for help both whilst in custody (drug and alcohol worker available for everyone in custody) and on release than if you tried to get help yourselves.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2020 23:49

YOU DID NOT "GET" YOUR MOTHER ARRESTED

This is a fact.

Hold on to it.

The police would not have arrested her if they thought you were over reacting or making it up or she was behaving perfectly acceptably. SHE got herself arrested. I am assuming she didnt, as they say "come quietly"? So you may find the charges will include assaulting a police officer, or at least resisting arrest.

If you live there and she is charged with assault against you then she wont be allowed to return. This is domestic violence and she will be bailed to another address. She will be allowed to collect belongings, accompanied by an officer, and expected to live elsewhere until she has been tried.

Who else lives there with you?

mindfulmam · 02/01/2020 23:49

Have you heard of nacoa?
National Association fir children of alcoholics

  • including adults. They have a helpline.
My mum was an alcoholic it's pretty shit isn't it please give them a call x
Gemz1806 · 02/01/2020 23:50

I've had to do the same, it went to court and we stood by our decision and she was charged with comuinty sercive. We had a 1 year old at the time. It was horrific. But it was the best thing I ever did. She turned her life around, not instantly however, we went no contact for a while, she continuted to drink but the realtionship did recover once she completely stopped. Now she is an amazing granny and a brilliant mum. We don't talk about "it" but I make sure she knows how greatful I am for her help and support and she thanks me often for what I did and letting her be such a big part of my boys life.

I hope you can both recover like we did. But believe me when I say I know you didn't make the choice lightly.

Notsure94 · 03/01/2020 00:01

You haven't done anything wrong. You were only trying to protect yourself. A parent should never ever make their child feel so threatened that they have to call the police. She's putting incredible burdens on you and that's just not right. Hope you can get away soon to a safe distance. I repeat - you have not done anything wrong, in fact you've shown tremendous courage in taking charge of a fucked up situation and stopping the abuse. That's strong and courageous.

Karenisbaren · 03/01/2020 00:12

You certainly done the right thing, I wish my nephew would wake up and smell the coffee, his mother is exactly the same, has a few beers and thinks she is rocky, she is the most vile person when she has had a few.

MummyofTw0 · 03/01/2020 00:21

You did the right thing, she needs help and maybe this will force the issue

Sooner you can leave the better. Thinking of you x

kateandme · 03/01/2020 00:47

they woudnt arrest her just on your word.there was a reason they came to your aid and then arrested her.so its not your fault.
im so sorry.i dont know how to offer help other than to say im another one reading your post and sending love.
addiction is so bloody hard for all involved.
and after the addict has a blow out they feel vulnerable and she will want to draw you back so that you(one of her safe people) can hold it for her.dont be drawn into an argument.dont be cold because that wont help either of you.but just stand as neutral as you can.shes been hurt and shamed more than she usually does.she will want to lash out or withdraw into booze.
there is always a one day.i know that might be too late now for your relationship.but one day she might be able to get well.
is she home now?
could you go out for the day so your not around when she gets back so she has time to calm down?

Original poster
Justyouraveragehuman · 03/01/2020 06:50

Yes I do live at home and my dad lives here too. I luckily work full time so i’ll be at work all day for when and if she comes back today.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Addiction is an awful thing and it not can only ruin the addicts live but everyone around too! I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Her mother was exactly the same and I am determined to break the cycle!

I didn’t ring them because I want her to be punished i just feel helpless like there is no other way.

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 03/01/2020 10:41

Hi OP, you have done the right thing. Her behaviour is unacceptable. She maybe offered some help but it’s up to her.
Have you thought of going to ALANON or looking up Adult children of Alcoholics who run meetings/support groups.
You may want to look up Fear, obligation and guilt too.
You didn’t cause this, you cannot cure this and you have no control over this.
I would look for somewhere else to live if you can, I would not visit her at her house and if she wants to meet you see her in a public place.
🌺

Gutterton · 03/01/2020 11:26

Local Al anon meetings and/or their online forums and resources will support and guide you through coping with an alcoholic.

Does your Dad drink as well? What does he think of it all?

Can you go to Al anon together?

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