Husband is not a talker and it’s becoming a major issue

[Idontlikeithere1]

Been together 10 years he’s a very kind and caring person and as enjoy time together and our relationship is generally good.
He’s just so quiet.
He’s always been a quiet person but over the past 10 years people have noticed he seems more confident than he did before. It just seems to be hard for me to get him to talk about any issues or when I want his opinion it’s like getting blood from a stone. He shrugs his shoulders a lot or says he doesn’t know. It’s a running joke about the shoulder shrugging but now it’s kind of starting to make me feel lonely.
When he does have a conversation with me and puts his input in it feels like a fucking victory. I’ve seemed to start little arguments to get any reaction or fieriness from him.
About to start ivf and I don’t know whether this is becoming an issue now because I’m anxious or this was always an underlying issue that is now becoming a big thing because I’m gonna need him more than ever to be able to support and communicate with me.

I just feel like I never know what’s going on in his head.

Just read and wanted to send you a hug.

Good Luck with the IVF. Is it your first round?
Could his shrugging/lack of talking be to do with this?

We are due to start IVF soon and I did manage to chat my partner at the weekend. He was very honest about a few things and we are going to start counselling once our treatment starts. We both deal with our emotions very differently.

I find writing things down helps.

Thankyou, yes it’s our first go, I Think it is down to stress of it but he only opens up when he has had a drink. And we have known we would have trouble conceiving for years so I do understand and have sympathised for years with him but it’s just starting to grate on me. I’m scared and overwhelmed and wondering if he’ll give me the support through the treatment.
Even discussing other things not to do with it he still mainly shrugs his shoulders. I think it might have just all took its toll over the years, but we discussed this months ago and I told him I feel lonely because of it. He said sorry and told me I’m really not and that he is just worried it won’t work. So I think you are right.
But sometimes I just feel like he just doesn’t want to speak to me.

My dh is a bit like this. I don’t know if he just doesn’t really care about eg current affairs/social issues (which I really do!) or he doesn’t know how to express his opinion very eloquently, plus his family don’t really debate. On the other hand I argue/persuade for a living and my family have always enjoyed debates. If you both have stressful jobs maybe he’s just too tired for intense conversation a lot of the time. I take it as his personality and look on the bright side of the good things about him- he’s very caring, he’s funny, we have shared hobbies and he’s a great cook. Do you have any friends or family members with whom you can spar?

It’s not about debating but I appreciate your reply. It’s literally just things in general, for example I’ll say what did you think of so & so? And he will shrug his shoulders I’ll say cmon you must have an opinion and then he’ll say he thinks “nothing”
Sometimes he will talk about things but for the most part that’s the only replies I get. If I’m lucky he will reply with a little more than a shrug but that’s it. Never used to bother me but the past few years it starting to and especially now.

Boys are typically taught that being chatty and talking about your feelings and opinions is weak, unmasculine, etc. Add to that, some folk just arent talkers. Your partner very likely comes by it honestly.

Not sure it's fair to engineer high stress situations (arguments) to force him to become the person you probably should have held out for, in terms of having a relationship... its cruel, isnt it, to do that to him? Dont you love him, wouldn't you prefer to allow him to be the person he naturally is?

Leave him alone, love him as he is, embrace him and celebrate him. If you can't do that, be kind enough to cut him loose, he deserves to be loved just as he is.

Have you read about Gottman's theory on marriage and "bids"? It is about building connection and turning towards each other not away. Your husband seems to be doing the opposite.

What is he like at work or with friends or family? Your husband should be a friend and companion, rather than just someone who appears disinterested in you.
I think your marriage sounds like a sad existence. Most mothers find child rearing isolating so need a partner who will support them and be interested in their life, especially when it might just just you and z baby at home.

In what ways does he seem more confident now than before? The talking less makes it sound like the opposite.

He’s the same with friends and family. Even more quiter around them.
He does open up but very rarely. Right now it is a sad existence tbh. Don’t get me wrong he shows love and affection in his own ways, he seems to do this by buying me things. If I’m ill he will buy me flowers or other little things. If I’m sad he takes me out or gets me something but I’ve already told him I just want more communication affection and to feel like he is interested in speaking to me.

@Butterymuffin not sure his mom just made the comment a month or two ago.

My ex was similar, although in the very early days I found him very chatty.
He had nothing to say, was no companion and I did not want to do anything with him in the end because of this. You might as well be living on your own.

XP was like this. Seemed to have no 'inner life' at all, if I ever asked what he was thinking about (even during sex or when trying to get a 'deep and meaningful' conversation going) he'd say 'cars'. No conversation, no interest in anything (apart from cars) and if he did have anything to say it was a complaint.

Glad he's an ex, quite frankly. I felt so so lonely so much of the time.

I think it's maybe bothering you more now because subconciously, you're aware that you could possible be about to become parents and so you'll be linked to him for life. Once you have a child with someone, chances are they're always going to be in your life. Is it possibly your mind's way of making you ask yourself 'is this really what I want?'. It's not necessarily a bad thing and doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to be with him or anything like that. But I think it's definitely worth giving that some careful thought. Also (I realise this could be difficult given that he's not really a talker!) could you have a conversation with him and explain how this makes you feel? Or even write it down if you think that might be easier - message him or something. Maybe he'd find it easier to have a conversation via messages too.

As for the not talking thing though - my husband is the same. He's always been like it so it's something I've got used to over the years but yes it does bother me sometimes. It's mainly been when we've been having issues with our relationship and tried to talk things through but that's very difficult when the person you're talking to keeps shrugging their shoulders and saying 'don't know' rather than actually giving you an answer and saying how they feel.

How are you going to parent a child together if you can't have a conversation now? If he's really not bothered and will just let you make all of the decisions then at least you won't argue. I'd be concerned he's holding everything in and would one day just have some kind of breakdown.

My DH is very similar. I instigate most conversations from anything deep to day to day stuff. After 16 years and two children it's one of a few things that are really beginning to grate. But it's difficult because it doesnt make him unpleasant. Just makes home life a bit unfulfilling really. His sister is the same and I often think at their family dinners that it would be a very quiet affair without me there if we were to split.

I've no advice I'm afraid but I am resigned to the fact it's just him and he can no more operate like me as I could like him if that makes sense?

Could he be Asperger's?

It's also a little bit selfish. Asking someone how they feel about something and hearing 'don't know'...of course they know how they feel! What they mean is that they can't be bothered to examine their feelings and put them into words for you.

His method of communicating is different to yours. He does this through treating you to things, recognising your moods and taking you out. You prefer verbal communications. He may well be Aspergers, but the non verbal communication is manageable providing you realise he is unlikely to change to any large degree. There is also a condition whereby the person genuinely doesn't know how they feel due to different wiring in the brain. Both challenging conditions but once diagnosed it helps you to understand it isn't you and that your decision needs to be whether you can live with it.

@Zaphodsotherhead no, not necessarily!

I have one at home.
If I wasn’t making the effort to start a conversation when we are sat around the table to have a meal, we would be eating in silence.

Think again about going for IVF with a man like this. With mine, the silence and thé In dint know’ spread to everything and made parenting fucking hard work.

that your decision needs to be whether you can live with it.

@Jonb6, YY with the added comment that you do not have to go over board because he can’t help it and therefore you are supposed to make much effort to compensate.

My ex's quietness, inability to chat, total lack of reaction or response when I told him things was one of the reasons he's now my ex. It was very lonely. I think if you're planning to start a family together you should look at some relationship counselling to help you work out if you can live like this, and parent together.

canI yes that's what it was like for me too. if I don't start and put effort into a conversation, there is no conversation. It's tiring and demoralizing.

of course they know how they feel!

No. Please don't say things like this- it stigmatizes folk with a very very common difference called alexithymia, where a person does not have language for emotions and can't identify bodily sensations with emotions.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

10% of the population.

It is EXTREMELY common for men in particular to have this. Because our culture trains boys never to talk about or express feelings, so the language and insight that often comes easily to women and neurotypical folk never develops.

what they mean is that they can't be bothered to examine their feelings and put them into words for you.

Again please don't say this. Its massively destructive and isolating for folk who dont have emotional skills through absolutely no fault of their own.

Not everyone has a rich inner life or a good emotional vocabulary. There is no need to ascribe shittiness to them.

It's sole destroying and a bloody boring existence 😥