Husband is not a talker and it’s becoming a major issue

[Idontlikeithere1]

Been together 10 years he’s a very kind and caring person and as enjoy time together and our relationship is generally good.
He’s just so quiet.
He’s always been a quiet person but over the past 10 years people have noticed he seems more confident than he did before. It just seems to be hard for me to get him to talk about any issues or when I want his opinion it’s like getting blood from a stone. He shrugs his shoulders a lot or says he doesn’t know. It’s a running joke about the shoulder shrugging but now it’s kind of starting to make me feel lonely.
When he does have a conversation with me and puts his input in it feels like a fucking victory. I’ve seemed to start little arguments to get any reaction or fieriness from him.
About to start ivf and I don’t know whether this is becoming an issue now because I’m anxious or this was always an underlying issue that is now becoming a big thing because I’m gonna need him more than ever to be able to support and communicate with me.

In my case, in fairness and balance, DH is a brilliant dad. But eldest is very similar to him and youngest an absolute chatterbox so both comfortable with him, and it did make me sole decision maker on how we would tackle major parenting problems in the early stages. So a bit of a bonus there!! He would just go along with it!

I apologise, rvby. I have never heard of this condition nor met anyone with it (not knowingly, anyway). I have, on the other hand, met a lot of shitty men...

My only question is, how does someone in a relationship with someone with this condition know whether they are a sufferer from it?

I would be very wary of ttc with a man like this, OP. I know you love him but this will drive you crazy. You are lonely now. It's not going to improve.

My only question is, how does someone in a relationship with someone with this condition know whether they are a sufferer from it?

Theres no need to diagnose a.potential partner. Just have discussions about emotions, as early as possible, and dont marry or breed with someone whose emotional skills arent in line with what you want.

OP has got herself pregnant by someone who appears not to meet her needs - who cares whether he does it intentionally or not. Regardless of his intentions she needs to accept him or cut him loose, you can't teach someone to suddenly be into emotional chats.

Sorry not pregnant, ttc

A formal diagnosis is usually made by a psychologist or psychiatrist often picked up during counselling.

I've been with my husband for 25 years, met when I was 19 and we have 2 children...I've emotionally checked out of the marriage and just need to be brave enough to end it.

I always thought he was quiet / shy / introvert but as the years have gone by and I've become more and more lonely I've come to realise he's actually passive aggressive.

The eye rolling, the hours sat in silence, the lack of response when I speak to him - the list could go on have now become unbearable and I can't imagine how lonely my life will be when the children move out.

I guess the only advice I can give is that you can't change who you are and how he is now is how he'll always be - fast forward 5 years would you be happy if your life is the same as now? x

My husband is this way and now that we have a baby it’s even worse because you stop caring once you have a baby - you have enough on your plate & need the guy to step up & be a better person tbh. It’s like dealing with 2 kids. We are having huge issues at the moment so I can see where you’re going. Might be worth seeing counsellor as you might end up with breakdown in communication like us.

Sounds really lovely. I had an EXP once who didn’t really chat or instigate. We went for dinner once and I did an experiment where I didn’t instigate any conversation. We spent the entire time in silence. At the time I worked in a bar and used to see a couple come in nearly every week. I was obsessed with them because they spent the whole time chatting and laughing. It made me feel so sad that I didn’t have that.

I meant lonely. Not lovely.

I did the same experiment with my XP KidCaneGoat! One evening I decided to wait and see if he would intiate a conversation. He actually fell asleep in front of the TV, woke up and said 'right, bedtime'. The only two words he spoke during a five hour stretch. No interest in what I'd done in the SIX WEEKS since we'd last seen one another...

I would stop communicating with him completely, stop TTC and start building a truly separate life

KidCaneGoat, I recall my sister telling me a funny story about her and her husband and how they laughed so hard.It made me realise I didn't laugh when with Ex. I almost forgot how to have fun which is a sad existence.

My dad was like this. Everyone used to say he was a man of few words. He once told me that he didn't see the point in speaking unless it was to say something important. I guess he was the opposite of a chatterbox. I don't know why he was like that - perhaps something from his childhood. One things for sure - when he did speak everyone sat up and listened!

I've done that experiment, the not talking. Only a handful of times. I always get "what's wrong? You're quiet?" Yet no instigation of conversation.

We too never laugh heartily together, or not in a "because we're sitting around chatting together" type of way. I kind of thought that was normal after so many years together. Might be a new thread in that question!

@Jonb6 I have asked before why he seems to say he doesn’t know and I’ve asked how can he not know what he thinks or feels and he’s replied that he doesn’t think anything or doesn’t know what to say. Never suspected aspergers and don’t think it’s that tbh.

OP if it is Aleximythia as as pp suggests check out the work of Maxine Easton who works with the partners of people with the Aleximythia
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/AfDD.shtml it might give you some insight into how life will be for you going forward.

If it is Aleximythia you will have a tough road ahead , I have been in a relationship with a person diagnosed as Aleximythic and there is very little support out there. PM if you need to.

H is very quiet and not a talker. We are in the process of separating due to lack of communication and loneliness on my part.
I realised when my dc were older that he had very little input into family life and I made all the decisions, was the driving force to do things etc. It is exhausting.
I feel more like his mother than a partner and I grew very very resentful. As a non communicator, every issue became a huge deal and when I tried to talk to him about anything serious he'd shrug his shoulders.
Just this week, I have spoken to him about how I feel and he said nothing.
The last 15 years feel like a blank void in my life.

I suggest you postpone ttc and get some help, both alone and together and see if you can move forward on this

My XP was HFA, and I was his first real relationship (at 50) so I cut him a lot of slack for not knowing how people behave in couples (his parents are a very 'distant' couple who never spend much time in one another's company). What are your DH's parent models, OP? Are they a close couple or does he really have no idea how to behave as one half of a unit?

This is a really interesting thread. Over a year ago I met someone I like and fancy a lot and I'm completely 100 % sure he feels the same about me but we haven't yet managed to get together, it's not a lack of interest that's the problem it's difficulties with our communication styles, I suspect he may have Asperger's but as others have said that's not what's relevant, what's relevant is are you meeting each others needs, I agree with the others who have said he's not going to change, you either have to love him for who he is or you have to move on, it's unfair on both of you to wish he was any different from who he actually is. I also don't think it's unreasonable of you to be reassessing whether he really is the right man for you if you're at a point in your life when you're thinking about wanting to have children, he may have been a good partner for the childless version of you in the past, but he may not be the right man for you to bring up your future children with

@Livandme completely relate to your experience. Unfortunately it seems I have a similar man at home.

A few weeks ago I lost it and told him how selfish he is, that he only thinks of himself (eg I have been off sick fir 3 months. 2 weeks in that period, he went away fur 1 week with the dcs wo ever asking if I was ok with it. I did t even gave the energy to cook a meal fir myself at the end if the day). His answer? Complete silence :(:(
What can you do when each time you raise an issue, whatever serious or trivial, you just get silence??

@Idontlikeithere1 oh yes I’ve has the ‘I don’t think anything’.... my answer is that it’s amazing he is managing to reach a state that only meditators with several years experience, such as Buddhist monks, manage to achieve.
I think fir him it’s because he is struggling to ‘think on the spot’. He also hates it when people argue against his ideas/don’t agree with him. Plus some useless coping mechanisms from when he was a teen (I know he was bullied quite a bit. I suspect he just learnt to just keep quiet).
So his easy way out is to say nothing, add ‘I don’t know’ instead.

The problem is that when it was the two of us it was manageable. But with some dcs I the mix, it became really hard to handle because there are many more decisions that should be taken together.

@Zaphodsotherhead god that is so depressing.

@Techway I had similar realisations. I also realised he didn’t really make me laugh.