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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm not sure if it's my problem or his.

39 replies

OneDayAtATimex · 02/01/2020 14:37

I've been with DP for four years, we get along well with minor hiccups (the usual relationship stuff)

We live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat and we're getting on top of each other with being off over Christmas and New Year. We've just had a huge argument and he's stormed out...

Basically (this next part might be too much information) he constantly farts and shits, he finds it hilarious and I just cannot bare it. It's vile.

If we go on holiday, the first thing he does is take a poo and smell the whole room out. In the morning at home, he's on the toilet and I go in after and he stinks. In the afternoon, again, it fucking reeks.

Last night in bed, he turned over and trumped on me and then wafted the quilt. I don't find it funny, it's gross. We have a jokey relationship and take the piss about all sorts but I just don't find it hilarious, like he does, when he trumps.

Anyway, this afternoon he's in the toilet and I can smell it through the door so I say "make sure you spray!' and he just opens the window. I say no, spray! he refused to and said 'it makes it worse!'

Cherry Peony Airfreshener does not smell worse than shit.

Next minute, he flips and chucks the air freshener into the kitchen, gets his stuff and storms out. Usually if we argue (like I say, very rare) I'll try and sort it out but I actually think it's gross.

All I ask is that he opens the window and sprays air freshener - like all other normal humans do.

He'll make out it's my fault and he's 'so sick of having this conversation' and I am, too. I just don't like the smell of shit!

He's so stubborn and I doubt he'll see my point of view but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable? It literally is constant farts and poo.

I should add, absolutely no bowel issues/allergies/chronic illnesses are present Wink

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2020 14:45

I couldn't live with that.
Of course YANBU - although I'm sure someone will come along and tell us just how bad air freshener is for the environment.
But it's courtesy to spray if you make a stink!

JorisBonson · 02/01/2020 14:46

That sounds fucking grim OP. I couldn't put up with that

sarahjconnor · 02/01/2020 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2020 14:52

Basically, he has absolutely no concern for your comfort in your own home, and repeatedly farts on you even though you have asked him not to countless times, and he's too lazy and selfish to make minimal effort to mask the smell of his vile shits. How charming.

This twat has no respect for you whatsoever. Get rid.

purpleme12 · 02/01/2020 14:53

No that's horrible. I agree it's about respecting you. It's not hard to spray if you ask him and it's not an unreasonable thing to be unhappy about

OneDayAtATimex · 02/01/2020 14:54

I suppose it doesn't help that I am really sensitive to smells. I'm the same with drains/rotten food/egg. I just can't deal with it. He knows this.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/01/2020 14:54

It's contempt, OP - very thinly disguised. He is regressed, and contemptuous. It deserves nothing less than zero-tolerance.

Lweji · 02/01/2020 14:55

All I ask is that he opens the window and sprays air freshener - like all other normal humans do.

Are you saying that people who don't spray air freshener aren't normal? WinkGrin

It does seem like he has a problem if it's that bad. Failing that, use the old Vicks under nose trick. (see Silence of the Lambs for reference)

OneDayAtATimex · 02/01/2020 14:55

It is lazy and selfish! I would never leave those smells lingering for anyone!

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 02/01/2020 14:55

He’s behaving like a child.

We have spray air freshers in the toilet in work and everyone uses them. He needs to get over himself

marblesgoing · 02/01/2020 14:56

What is his diet like op?

Often horrendous smelling stools and wind goes hand in hand with a bad diet and if he goes that often how much is he putting in??

He needs to spray and open a window.

He also needs to stop thinking it's funny to fart on you and waft the bedding Hmm

I'd be telling him it's really off putting

Lweji · 02/01/2020 14:56

The question is, what are you prepared to do about it?
Is it a deal breaker for you?
Is he this dismissive of you in other areas?

PPopsicle · 02/01/2020 14:57

If this is you’re only relationship problem I would say YABU

Glitterb · 02/01/2020 14:58

Can you stand to live with this forever?

No you shouldn’t have to put up with it, is it so much effort for him to spray some air freshener?

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/01/2020 15:00

This is not why we split, but is one of the (many) reasons I am happy to be getting divorced. It’s the lack of respect your partner has for you, as well as his (gross) behaviour that is the issue. If you both want this relationship to work, a serious convo needs to be had..

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2020 15:01

If you don't have dc why live together. Stay in a relationship with him and see him twice a week so he can stink out his own loo.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2020 15:08

It's not great OP, and YANBU. Almost as though he's primitively marking his territory, caveman style. You'd like to think he'd evolved a bit more than that. Was he always like this? Wouldn't have been great in the early days...did he manage to contain himself then?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/01/2020 15:08

Having gone through a fair bit of psychotherapy training, it becomes very clear that most bodily functions can be 'weaponised' as forms of protest.

When a child is angry, they will often smear their shit on the walls. This, while different, is a similar mode of expression. It is rage, pure and simple.

Lweji · 02/01/2020 15:09

It's the sort of lack of consideration or, even worse, aggressiveness that is a red flag for other areas. I'll be very surprised if the minor hiccups are that minor.

Elieza · 02/01/2020 15:16

It’s one of the things I don’t miss about my ex. Him eating a bunch of crap, usually piles of bacon and egg sandwiches, and then farting and wafting it around for the rest of the day. And the day after until he shat it back out. And don’t even start me on the curry farts or Guinness farts. Vile. I just prayed nobody would come to visit as the whole place smelled like rotten eggs. Disgusting. Even worse in a confined space like the car. At least I could open a window.

I do occasionally have gut issues but I go to the toilet or outside for a minute if I have a sore windy tummy as I know what’s about to come out is antisocial.

I would honestly leave someone like that. There is no need for it if he ate better. He’s a manchild. It’s like he’s marking his territory- including you! Sod that.

OneDayAtATimex · 02/01/2020 15:17

His diet is relatively healthy and he goes to the gym every day.

He's just being awkward and difficult now saying "he will never go to the toilet at home" I'm not asking that, I'm just saying don't be so gross with it.

Then he says he can't stop processing food. Well no, but you can stop wafting the quilt around.

He's not coming home because I'm always moaning about the situation.

He can't have an adult conversation without slamming around.

I'd say he's actually considerate in other areas, he's just like a man child when it comes to poo/farts. Reception aged kids find stuff like that funny Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2020 15:19

He's not coming home because I'm always moaning about the situation.
Well, can he agree to make life easier for you by letting you use the bathroom before, or spraying it after?

He can't have an adult conversation without slamming around.
Is this regarding any conversation? Does he refuse to compromise about other things?

mrsm43s · 02/01/2020 15:34

I think its reasonable to expect him to not fart on/around you, and to stop with the juvenile behaviour.

However, he is being perfectly reasonable to have a smelly poo in the loo. I'd expect him to open the window and shut the toilet lid and the bathroom door after him, but beyond that he can't really do much else. Shit smells, its just the way it is. He's not making it deliberately smelly to piss you off.

Personally I find airfresher ineffective, and I don't like the chemically smells (which don't mask the poo smell, they just coexist with them), so I wouldn't use it. Opening a window is far, far more effective.

I'd have a chat with him and say that if he stops the farting and acting like a teenager, then you will stop complaining about the smell of his poo, as long as he opens the window/runs the extractor fan. Then stick to it.

Glitterb · 02/01/2020 15:35

Sorry @OneDayAtATimex I just couldn’t live like that!

I was seeing a guy a few years ago who never flushed the toilet after a poo/ sprayed air freshener or cleaned his skid marks. I wasn’t living with him and certainly wasn’t cleaning his toilet for him! I refused to go for a wee at his house anymore in the end. We went away to London and the first thing he did was leave a massive poo in the toilet 🙄 he was promptly dumped!

KatherineJaneway · 02/01/2020 15:37

He sounds disgusting.

However, he is being perfectly reasonable to have a smelly poo in the loo.

Yes but that's what air fresheners and bathrooms windows are for, so the smell does not spread.

Does he eat fast OP?

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