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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breakup from abusive ex, second name issue for unborn baby

47 replies

Unknownname5 · 02/01/2020 13:30

Hi there hope you are all well.

Hope to get a few opinions on my issue I’m facing right now i will make it as short as I can.

I am due next month with my ex’s baby we broke up in December just gone as he slapped me on Christmas Day Infront of my daughter (not he’s child )and I had him removed from my house By the police and haven’t seen him since.

In the past there’s been some abuse from him psyically but more emotional and have never left him properly but this time I’m hoping not to ever give in to him again.

The issue I’m facing apart from the heartbreak is that he’s messaged me few days ago saying baby won’t be taking my surname, only he’s. I responded quite bluntly with no she’s having my surname as he hasn’t once been there For me through my whole pregnancy, he’s raised he’s hands to me whilst pregnant, hasn’t bought anything for the baby He dosent work but when he does get money in he just gambles it away and the list goes on. So he’s response to me was baby isn’t having my dads name (my second name) and if I do give her my name then he will be like my dad and do a runner (dad left me as a kid) so now it’s making me think what do I do?! I’m worried if I don’t give baby he’s surname it will be my fault that he won’t be in her life and she won’t have a father around. and yes he is one of those people who wouldn’t see he’s child if they don’t have the same second name as him. Very immature I know right?

Please help me or share advice on what you would do if you was me.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 13:31

Your baby, you name.
Let a judge deem him suitable to be around your dc.
Report every incident to the police op.

Jaxhog · 02/01/2020 13:34

I agree - your baby, your name. Even if you gave the babe his name, do you really think he'd stick around? And would you want him to?

GertiMJN · 02/01/2020 13:35

Regardless of the abuse I would tell you to use your surname and register the birth alone.

Given what you've said about your ex you and your baby will be better off without him in your luves. However, do make sure you get childsupport through CMS.

Good luck OP. You've done the hard part. Now you can focus on your precious baby

HotPenguin · 02/01/2020 13:35

He sounds vile, wouldn't it be better for all of you if he did "do a runner"?

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/01/2020 13:38

He's not going to stick around anyway OP. Get your head around the fact that you will be parenting your child alone, focus on yourself and when the time comes register your child with your choice of name.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. Strength, love and peace to you and your baby.Flowers

Useful22 · 02/01/2020 13:40

Bloody brilliant Op. You don't want this man near you or your kids, he will damage them for life. That is your responsibility to keep them safe and away from him. He has given you an easy way out. Your name, him long gone. Easiest answer ever. Congratulations

SuperMeerkat · 02/01/2020 13:48

Your baby, your choice. As you’re not married he can’t name the baby at the register office without you being present so he’ll have no say. Tough luck.

category12 · 02/01/2020 14:04

Be grateful he's giving you the opportunity to get him completely out of your lives, and give the baby your own surname.

What do you think he'd actually bring to your child's life? He's a nasty controlling abusive bastard. An absent father is better than a shite one that hits and abuses your mum.

Original poster
Unknownname5 · 02/01/2020 14:06

Hi thanks for all your responses

Yes I know I can just give baby my name without him having a say but I’m struggling with the guilt I’m facing and will end up facing even more when he isn’t around for her. I will just blame myself. Oh I don’t know what to do my head is abit of a mess :-(.

Growing up without a dad was hard for me I really don’t want my unborn to feel the way I felt when she’s older. My other daughter and her dad have a strong relationship I just feel so shit that this baby won’t probs experience that.

If I do give her he’s surname then at least I’ve tried to get him to be in her life?

I don’t understand how someone can threaten to deniy their child over a name ? Struggling to come to terms with it

Sorry this sounds all so silly but my head is literally fucked.

OP posts:
Lunde · 02/01/2020 14:07

Your baby - your name

Don'y put him on the birth certificate either

Crabonastick · 02/01/2020 14:10

For the sake of an easy life for yourself further down the line, I would register the baby as soon as possible after she is born, on your own and without him and his surname on the certificate before even telling him that she has been born.

He’s not going to be in her life anyway by the sound of it so don’t feel guilty

snoopy18 · 02/01/2020 14:10

If he gets physically or emotionally violent with your baby that’s on the way then what? You’re better off without him in your life

happycamper11 · 02/01/2020 14:11

Ugh, if he's not in her life the only person who's fault is him. Sounds like he'd be doing everyone a favour but I imagine it's an empty threat. Just don't engage and when he wants to see baby he can apply for mediation or court to do so.

category12 · 02/01/2020 14:12

Again, what sort of father do you honestly think he'd make?

He slapped you in front of your dd. What sort of lesson does that teach her? Do you want all your children exposed to his violence and abuse? Do you not realise how traumatising that is?

If you desperately try to keep him around, he'll make more demands and you'll be dancing to his tune forever - he'll fuck with your head more and he'll fuck with your child's head. You have a responsibility to your children to maintain your own safety and mental wellbeing, and to protect them from danger and abuse, whether that's seeing it or experiencing it.

OvalCanvas · 02/01/2020 14:13

If I could go back in time and give my eldest child my surname rather than my abusive ex's, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I was 20 , I got bullied into it.

His chance to be a good father has been there throughout your pregnancy, he chose to blow it by treating you , it's mother with total disrespect.

PicsInRed · 02/01/2020 14:27

He received his surname from his father just as you did yours. FWIW, I bet his father was an abusive twat too.

Your surname is your surname for the same reason his is his - because it was given to you at birth and you grew up with it. It's yours.

Your ex is a twat. Give your child your surname. Twat's absence wouldn't be a consequence so much as a gold plated gift.

viques · 02/01/2020 14:29

"If I do give her his surname I have tried to get him to be in her life"

Firstly , do you really want a violent, manipulative man being her male role model? Do you want her to believe that people like him deserve to parent children and pass on their anti social attitudes and behaviour? To think that people like that deserve to be honoured by a child loving them unconditionally and calling them daddy because they donated a sperm?

Secondly, growing up without a dad can be hard, it was for you, but it is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. Growing up with a loving mother who teaches you that you are worthy of respect, are strong and independent, are capable of making your own way in the world and can rely on your own talent and hard work to achieve your ambitions are far more important lessons to learn than thinking that you are less of a person because your dad couldn't face up to his responsibilities.

Thirdly, he is the one making bad choices about his future involvement with your child. Threats and ultimatums are not what good fathers make, good fathers make provision for their child's well being and security, they make sure they are in their lives because they love them, not because they share a name, they make sure that their responsibility towards that child does not depend on what is written on a piece of paper.

I think you need to think about what being a father should mean, both to you and your child. I don't think your partner meets the job description specifications.

12345kbm · 02/01/2020 14:29

He's abusive OP, abusers abuse. He's trying to control you. Bring your baby up with your name. Get advice from Gingerbread on child support claims, benefits, contact arrangements etc 0808 802 0925

If he threatens you or touches you again dial 999. Report every incident and contact Women's Aid for advice on safety.

He's abusive. I wouldn't want an abuser near my child.

Willow4987 · 02/01/2020 14:34

I’d give your child your surname

You’re not married to him, so actually I think the default is your surname anyway

He’s physically assaulted you in front of your child

From what you’ve said it seems like this isn’t a great relationship

His being intimidating and threatening to effectively walk away from his child if you don’t do what he wants....if I’m honest I think he’ll do it anyway!

It’s not your fault if he does this and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s on him and his conscience

I’d be looking to protect my child from him, and in this situation I think that means using your surname

imalmosthome · 02/01/2020 15:00

Even if he isn't on the BC, he can prove he is a good father by supporting you, paying child support, and sharing childcare. But lets face it, he won't. He's going to walk away from you anyway.

If you give your baby his name, you are giving him another 18 years of being able to control, contradict and block every decision you make. Deny you holidays abroad, choice of schools, he will twist and manipulate you every way he can.

Put YOUR guilt to one side, and put your child FIRST.

Drizzzle · 02/01/2020 15:04

If he wants to be a good father to his child he will do it no matter what the child's name is.

Roxingaroundtheworld · 02/01/2020 15:06

Definitely give baby your name. It’s the one thing I’m glad I did with my ex as it’s honestly made things so much easier

ohwheniknow · 02/01/2020 15:08

Flip side, protecting your child from abuse is a positive. Failing to protect her and forcing an abuser's name on her will do a lot more damage than you suffered due to an absent father.

Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself and your child from continued abuse - feel proud.

Non-physical abuse is a crime attracting a prison sentence. It is serious.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

CodenameVillanelle · 02/01/2020 15:08

If he chooses not to be in her life a) it would never be your fault and b) that's probably for the best.
If you give in on this he'll make some other unreasonable demand and threat in future. Stay strong.

Perid0t · 02/01/2020 15:09

It’s not actually up to him OP. Have your baby. Register your baby with your name. Then send him a text letting him know baby has been born and leave the arsehole off the birth certificate.