Breakup from abusive ex, second name issue for unborn baby

[Unknownname5]

Hi there hope you are all well.

Hope to get a few opinions on my issue I’m facing right now i will make it as short as I can.

I am due next month with my ex’s baby we broke up in December just gone as he slapped me on Christmas Day Infront of my daughter (not he’s child )and I had him removed from my house By the police and haven’t seen him since.

In the past there’s been some abuse from him psyically but more emotional and have never left him properly but this time I’m hoping not to ever give in to him again.

The issue I’m facing apart from the heartbreak is that he’s messaged me few days ago saying baby won’t be taking my surname, only he’s. I responded quite bluntly with no she’s having my surname as he hasn’t once been there For me through my whole pregnancy, he’s raised he’s hands to me whilst pregnant, hasn’t bought anything for the baby He dosent work but when he does get money in he just gambles it away and the list goes on. So he’s response to me was baby isn’t having my dads name (my second name) and if I do give her my name then he will be like my dad and do a runner (dad left me as a kid) so now it’s making me think what do I do?! I’m worried if I don’t give baby he’s surname it will be my fault that he won’t be in her life and she won’t have a father around. and yes he is one of those people who wouldn’t see he’s child if they don’t have the same second name as him. Very immature I know right?

Please help me or share advice on what you would do if you was me.

Thankyou

Hi OP,
First of all congratulations on having the strength to walk away, you have done the right thing for yourself and your children. I went through a very similar thing a few years ago, I was married to my abuser and left him 3 weeks before I gave birth. I also had another child from a previous relationship. I gave my baby my surname, but unfortunately didn't have the option to not put him down as the father, I strongly recommend you put "father unknown", especially if he won't be in your child's life. I hear all the time "it's better to have a bad dad than no dad at all".
Utter bullshit.
My youngest has developed into a happy, confident, spirited child, where my older son who was around my abusive ex still shows fear and is affected by the abuse. Please do not let this excuse for a man back into your lives in any way shape or form. Speak to Woman's Aid and your Health Visitor, take any help you can get.
These are the darkest days, but life get so much better and brighter without fear.

So he slapped you on Christmas day, while heavily pregnant and in front of your DD and you reckon he'll be a decent father.

I'd have blocked him when he was arrested.

His threat is proof that he's a worthless bucket of bolts.

Do not give your Child this Clowns surname FFS

He is going to do a runner no matter what.

Make the decision you want, ignore his drama and focus on a healthy pregnancy and your child.

He just wants someone else to control. Give the baby your name and refuse to discuss it with him.

You give in on this and forever more you'll be dancing to his tune over threats to not see his child. Then when she is old enough she'll also be taught to do what daddy says or he'll threaten to leave and never come back. Seriously, fuck that shit.

A fuckwit that threatens to cut off his child every time you disagree is worse than no dad at all, and no doubt he'll get bored and fuck off at some point anyway, whilst blaming you for his cuntiness. She won't suffer if he disappears before she's born, but she will if you let him bounce in and out of her childhood.

Baby = mother’s surname.

Doesn’t look like he is planning on being a parent to the baby so why should the baby be stuck with his surname. How is he planning on supporting the baby? He’ll have to do that regardless of whether he is a part of her life.

If he wants to be a good father to his child he will do it no matter what the child's name is

This

It won’t be YOUR fault if he walks away over the name (and tbh he’d be doing you a huge favour) it’ll be his.

I think he’d be doing you and your children a favour by NOT being in your life

He’s a scumbag

Please DO NOT give this baby his sur name. You will never be able to go abroad with your child unless he gives permission - and lets face it, he won’t give it.
You will regret it

I can absolutely guarantee that there is no man on the planet, nor has there ever been, who would have been a perfectly good father but instead decided to abandon his child because of the surname given to them by their mother. I guarantee it. Truthfully.

If he was going to be a good dad, he would be one in spite of the baby's name or relationship issues between the two of you. But he's not. He hasn't got it in him. And if you put him on the BC and give your baby his name, it will only make your life harder. It will have absolutely no bearing on his willingness or ability to be a father. He will just disappear the next week for some other reason, instead of pretending that it is about a surname. Whatever reason he gives, it will always be your fault in his eyes.

I don't know of any abusive or violent man who has been a great (or adequate) father. And I've known a fair few abusive men in my time.

If ever there was a good reason to give this child your surname it’s because this cunt has threatened to fuck off.
A ‘man’ who slaps his heavily pregnant gf in front of her young child is a cunt.
Grab this opportunity with both hands.
Your surname and do not name him on the birth certificate.
Let’s hope he’s as good as his word and fucks off.

First of all, well done for having the courage to stand up to him and get him removed. What a fabulous example you just set to your DD - you showed her you are worthy of being treated with respect and that she doesn't have to put up with appalling behaviour.

Secondly when your baby is old enough to understand that their father isn't in their life you can explain why. He physically and emotionally abused you whilst pregnant and you wanted to protect your children. Instead of being remorseful and trying to prove he was a worthy father he threw his toys out the cot over a surname. You are being a strong woman and standing up for the rights of your children to feel SAFE. I am sorry you didn't have your father growing up but if he abandoned you, you should despise him.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and be proud of yourself.

As he's abusive you have to register the baby on your own. He should have been warned by the police to stay away from you and if you allow him near you, you have the risk of SS getting involved with both your children. This means he cannot be put on the birth certificate as you are not married.

You are better not giving your child his lastname if you think he is going to abandon your child. Even if he doesn't there are no rules or laws saying your child must have the father's lastname. I know married women whose children have their lastname not their husband's, who is the children's father. In fact you can give your child any lastname you like including made up ones.

One of the moral duties you have is to tell him the child has been born and the name once you have registered it. This because you owe it to your child to notify their father of their existence as soon as feasible.

If however he shows he is a good father then at any point in the child's life he can be put on the birth certificate and you both can agree to change the child's lastname. If that does happen don't bother with either until your child is a teenager and actually asks for it themselves.

Why would you feel guilt about protecting your child and keeping an abusive, dangerous, nasty bully away from her?

You should feel guilty if you don't.

Please stay away from him and keep your own name for the baby.

There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

He wont see his own child because of a name. What a pathetic twat. As everyone else has said, you're well rid of this abuser.

Also on names: you are not married. Even if you were, you and any children might not necessarily take your partner's last name. I notice more and more women keeping their own name after marriage. Why is a male name worth more? It baffles me. Tradition isn't a valid reason. If it was, women would still be the property of men and unable to vote.

OP, you can't name him on the BC unless he is physically present at the registration with you.

The best thing you can do is not telling him about the appointment and not registering the birth with him. If he's on the BC, he has PR and as he's abusive, he'll use that PR to screw you over.

Don't do this to your baby. Better to grow up without a father than to grow up suffering abuse.

Thankyou for all your replies I have taken everyone’s comments on board I will be sticking to baby having same surname as me as pretty likely he would fuck off after a couple weeks anyway then she’s left with he’s name for the rest of her child life

He has two kids already from two different mums they both have he’s surname but one of the children (He’s first) he hasn’t seen for 8 years as the mum apparently stopped him seeing him (pretty sure anyone would go to court if this happened ?!) and the second child he does see but hasn’t paid for maintence for about a year and relies on he’s mum who he stays with to provide for the child eg food etc

I knew all of this before becoming pregnant but what’s done is done. Hopefully can move forward and make the right decision for my bundle of joy coming along

Thanks again everyone

X

Good decision. Good luck sending you strength and determination.
Keep us posted if you want. There’s lots of people in here who will help you if they can.

In olden days if you were not married when a baby was born . Baby had mum surname and had dad surname as middle name .

How dare he?
How dare he slap a pregnant woman, physically attack the mother of his child, and then start threatening you over the name!!!!???

How dare he say the baby will be like your Dad? The baby will be like you. And you certainly don’t want a child who grows up like him, physically assaulting pregnant women!

He is never going to be an actual
Dad. He isn’t to his other kids, his parenting care so far amounts to violent abuse of you while pregnant.

He isn’t fit to be a father: he attacked you in front of your other Dd. She must have been terrified.

myyearmytime luckily we are more civilised now, and recognise that a child should not be burdened for life with the name of an abusive, manipulative scumbag .

He sounds utterly terrible.

You are strong and will do a better job without him. Good luck