Are you happy with your relationship with your mum?

[plantmum]

If not, have you or would you consider addressing your problems with her and asking to work towards a better relationship together?

I'm torn whether or not to go down this path. I think she would be open (although it's not something she's ever suggested herself) but the process would be very painful for both of us and open a can of worms.

I wish we had the kind of mother-daughter bond that some of my friends have with their mums. I think that ship has sailed though now that I'm late 20s, she's in her 60s - even if we got to a much better place, it could never be what I've always wished for. This is why I question whether it's worth dredging things up.

I'm interested in what you think, if you've thought about this, or if you've done it, how it went.

I think all daughter's clash with their mother. Just sit down and talk, sorry can't offer anymore advice I lost my mom 5 years ago this march.

Honestly no, I’m not happy with my relationship with my mother. She is without a doubt, one of the most narcissistic people I know. She could be a lovely mother and mother in law; but instead she likes to be demanding, demeaning and thoroughly unpleasant at times. She does not care who she upsets or how she does it, as long as she is the most important person in the universe she is happy.

We have what can only be described as a love hate relationship. I wish it could change, but at 31 and 58 neither of us are going to suddenly become different people.

I suppose it depends on your expectations and how able you both are to communicate without causing offence or slipping into accusations (because you're essentially saying "I feel you've let me down" in some sense).

FWIW Annalisa Barbieri writes a lot in the Guardian about resolving family issues (parent/child relationships often come up) and she links to a lot of organisations that can offer advice and guidance for raising topics, how to keep a neutral tone, to identify what you're actually seeking and how to reinforce your own self-esteem in case you don't get the desired response.

A final point, Christmas and NY are fraught and emotionally weighted. By all means, talk to your mum if you think there's room for a more open/happier relationship, but if you've just spent a week under her roof being painfully aware of the relationship or lack of, give yourself some breathing space before broaching the subject.

What is it that you’re wishing for in the relationship?

If you think your mum would be open to discussing the relationship between you both then that's a positive step to take. As you say it's unlikely to be an easy route to take but could, eventually, lead to a better relationship between you both.

I tried with my mother, it didn't work for many reasons, I am now 5 years NC with her.

@plantmum Do you have siblings? If yes, do they have a better relationship with her? I would suggest if so, then it may be worth talking as that shows she is capable of a better relationship. If you are an only child then that is trickier to gauge. You have to balance the relationship you currently have against where it may go, could be better or far worse. Only you know how you will be able to deal with any fallout.

I personally have left it as I don't believe my fragile relationship with my 'd'M will ever improve, and the fallout would not be worth it.

Good luck with whichever path you choose.

I gave her an opportunity, she very much declined. Been totally NC for 3 years now and I can honestly say that my life (particularly my mental health) has improved immeasurably.

May not be what you want to hear though. I hope you can reach some sort of solution that you're happy with

We have a brilliant relationship now. Now she's dead. Before that she would absolutely never have considered that she'd ever done anything other than her best - and that her best was more than good enough. The only time she ever listened was the last conversation we had a few months before she died, but by then it was too late and I didn't care. "Some questions don't need answers anymore" was a quote I lived with for a while - it helped me realise that whatever I wanted to ask, or say, or hear her say, it didn't matter anymore, it wouldn't make a difference, it was what it was and the only thing I could do is change my response to it.

No, mine’s always been a narcissist. She neglected me dreadfully when I was at home. I couldn’t leave to go to University soon enough and stayed away as much as I could. She made it impossible to form working relationships with friends and partners. My brother and sister were her favourites and still are (all in our 50s). She was horrible to me yesterday when she knows I am vulnerable at present. My ex always said we should be estranged from my family. He may have been right about that. 2020 is the year I kick out all relationships that don’t work for both sides.

My mum and I seem to end up clashing every time we talk these days. In a way becoming a parent made me less tolerant of her qualities which had hurt me for a long time (but I had her on a sort of pedestal.) I now understand she is very selfish and irresponsible, and has a lot of unresolved issues from her own past that she refuses to acknowledge, but I accept that she won’t change and I try and stay neutral. It was devastating when I realised the extent of her selfishness through a couple of really painful episodes, but I’ve learned to just accept it and not hope for change. She’s the sort of person you can’t talk to either as she refuses to hear you out or accept criticism.
It’s tough and I really hope that my dd and I will have an open and loving relationship when she grows up.

If things are okay between you, maybe you could focus on interests you share & not get too involved (agree to disagree) with other topics.

You might benefit from professional help with any big problems from the past.

No she's very selfish, emotionally pimmature and has favourite children and grandchildren.
The best thing is that I no longer feel any guilt saying it and I am at peace with the fact she will never change and be the mother I always wished for. I'm just glad I was able to not let her poor mothering affect my relationship with my dc too much.
I do get mothered a lot by friends now and in the past so some of the damage has been reversed.

Try reaching out to her. Then at best your relationship will improve, and at worst, at least you know you tried. Ultimately you have to come away with a clear conscience, whatever actions (or not) that might involve.

I’m extremely close to my mum and our relationship is better than ever now I have DD. Being a mum has made me realise what a great job she did with us and I respect and admire her enormously.

Having said that, she’s suffered with awful depression for years and at one point things were so bad she focussed all of her struggles on me and stopped speaking to me completely and I ended up moving out one day because she was so ill and it was unbearable. I got her help and made sure she had people around who she’d let support her and kept my distance till she was no longer fixated on things. I’m the oldest child and we’d always been close so in a weird way I was her safe space when she had her break down and I bore the brunt. It was an awful time, I was so worried about her and couldn’t do anything to help but back away, and we’ve never spoken about it. I wanted to talk about it but didn’t have the words and then one night she called me for a chat and it was like nothing had happened so we got back to “normal”, met for lunch, got back to chatting regularly, her mental health is hugely improved and it’s as though the few months 15 years ago never happened. I try not to think about it and focus on how good things are now but there’s a small part of me that is on watch for another outburst/break down and hope if it happens we’ll both be better equipped to deal with it.

I’m sorry you’re struggling

Same as @AllYouGoodGoodPeople, I get on better with mine now she's dead. As harsh as that sounds.

She detested me from the day I was born and made my entire life miserable. I knew from a very young age that I'd ruined her life. Even when I got divorced, she went from hating him to taking his side and was his 'friend'.

We had 12 days from her diagnosis to her death and she made no attempt to build bridges or say she loved me, even then. I did try, she wasn't interested.
I miss her, the kids miss her, but the weight of our relationship and what it should have been was instantly lifted and I felt free for the first time in my almost 40 years alive.

I didn't have the strongest relationship with my mum and it's only after she's passed and I'm getting older I begin to transform into her and understand her better. I think a lot of mum traits are actually caring traits done completely arse about face and come off as nasty or controling. I was no way my mum's favourite but I know she loved me. Just before she passed she got particularly niggly with me and in exasperation I told my dad about it and he said something I'll never forget "she's never thought you liked her and now it's too late and it's frustrating" . It never occurred to me my mum worried I didn't like her,I only felt she wasn't keen on me....I think we both kept our defensive other and women are always quick to blame the other women in any scenario. Communicate, if you can and be willing to see both sides and own any part that is yours with grace and without deflection. X

"I think all daughter's clash with their mother."

What a load of nonsense. I have a great relationship with my mum.

Out of my closest friends 3 do, 2 dont.

So generalisations like these, don't help.

No I won’t dredge it up because nothing will change

My mum always has expectations of me and I hate it
I have none of my own children - I can just love them without getting something in return. My DM cannot do this

My mother?
I eagerly await news of her death
That's the kind of relationship I have with her

I struggled with mine. She was very difficult, a narcissist and an alcoholic.

I was not perfect but she hurt me a lot with her uncaring attitude and selfishness over the years.

I found limiting contact was the best way to deal with her. I would speak daily, and chose to live 5 hrs away. I would visit for 2 nights maximum. I had to mentally prepare before I saw her, set some firm boundaries and let lots of things go. I also had 17 years of therapy, which helped a lot!

When she died we were on ok terms. It was the best I could do.

My mum isn't open to working on things, at least not if it involves her budging in any way and taking any sort of responsibility - apparently, it's all on me. So I started doing that work on my own, on the basis that I'm the only person I can change. Did some reading and thinking and the message that really hit home and eventually helped relieve some of that longing for a relationship we never had was to realise that that time is gone. It's ok to grieve for it but there is no point in trying to go back there. We're grown up now and have to learn to "parent" ourselves, if that makes sense. And while that's sad, I also found it incredibly healing once I got to the other side of that sadness. Turns out I am capable of taking care of myself, and I have people in my life who care for me and actually want to do that because the way my mother manages to make me feel has more to do with her than it does with me. I have little contact with her and that distance has improved my life immensely.

The scales fell from my eyes about ten years ago, since then I view her as a duty and at times an annoyance.

Still this might be my year, she might die.

Honestly it would be such a relief, she still tries to manipulate me, she lives too close to my sister and my brother has Goldenballs.

Getting the picture ?

My mum was vindictive to me throughout my childhood. I'm low contact and would have no interest in trying to resolve things. I'm civil to her when i see her and that's as far as it will ever go.

I struggle with this question hugely. I wasn't close to her as a child, I clashed with her constantly as a teen. Emotionally from a young age I felt I parented her rather than the reverse. As an adult I recognise her many good qualities, her limitations, how she was let down by others, and also what an unnecessarily hard time I gave her. In some ways she is undoubtedly a better person than me and I value her caring, her honesty and integrity and that she is trying. But I still struggle with her politics, her... shall we say sheltered view of the world, her anxiety and her controlling behaviours. And when mothering my own children, I mostly think about her as what not to do.

There are some things I should probably make a NY resolution to apologise to her over. But I don't really see our relationship ever changing. I don't think she has the capacity to relate to me any other way.