Are you happy with your relationship with your mum?

[plantmum]

If not, have you or would you consider addressing your problems with her and asking to work towards a better relationship together?

I'm torn whether or not to go down this path. I think she would be open (although it's not something she's ever suggested herself) but the process would be very painful for both of us and open a can of worms.

I wish we had the kind of mother-daughter bond that some of my friends have with their mums. I think that ship has sailed though now that I'm late 20s, she's in her 60s - even if we got to a much better place, it could never be what I've always wished for. This is why I question whether it's worth dredging things up.

I'm interested in what you think, if you've thought about this, or if you've done it, how it went.

I was close with my Mum up to around 6 years ago.

She suffers from bad anxiety and mental health problems. She also has various physical health problems. Myself and my sister have tried over and over to help her get out of this black pit but to no avail. She isn't willing to help herself and there is only so much we can do to help.

There is no joy from spending time together everything is about her and her various problems and it doesn't matter what solutions we offer she has an arguement to why it won't work. Next visit is the same she repeats her problems on a loop day in day out and it's mentally exhausting if I'm honest.

Nothing we do for her brings her any happiness. She enjoys nothing and that includes her grandchildren she acts like they don't exist.

I continue to see her out of a sense of duty but wish I didn't have too

Allyg

A sense of duty, that just about sums it up, that and the equity in the house.

She failed miserably to make any provision for her old age and now we the children have to cough up £500 a month between us.

She openly rolled her eyes (and probably sneered in my absence) when we refused to replace our kitchen because we couldn't afford to save for it, we cleared the mortgage and then borrowed over 24 months.

Still she has all those holidays she had when she should have been paying into her pension to keep her happy.

In a word, no! I've tried to address issues with my mother over the years and she will never accept she has her faults. We've (my family) gone through years of her being so up and down, having to guess what someone has done to offend her etc. I have lost the will to try anymore. Apparently she has always been like this, according to her siblings. Now I just keep her at arm's length and it helps she doesn't live near me. She will end up a sad and lonely old woman.

Saying that, it has certainly taught me a lesson in how NOT to parent. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am mindful to be a good mum to my DD. If I am in the wrong or get snippy, I will always apologise afterwards. It's called being self aware. I know I have faults and I'm fine if my DC call me out on them if they need to. I don't want them to live in fear like I did with my mother, always at the mercy of her moods.

Also disagreeing that all daughters clash with their mothers. I have a good and happy relationship with my mum. We’re not best friends or anything but we are close and support each other. Ditto my siblings and mum.

Just putting that out there so you know that there’s a middling version as well - somewhere between ideal/best friend and no contact/mum’s a narcissist.

I’m saddened always to read about the poor mothering people have had. Life’s hard enough when you’ve had a good mum who’s got your back at all times. So much harder without that.

I have the best relationship with her that I ever have had.

I haven't seen her for 8+ years and that is never going to change. I'm not entirely sure there's anyone around who would even tell me when she has died.

And that suits me fine.

I don't have a close bond with my mum. Our relationship isn't awful but it isn't what I would like it to be either. She's like a sweet aunt I suppose rather than a mum. She was/still is in an abusive relationship and that shaped everything about my growing up years. All her energy went in to survivng that and there wasn't anything left for her DC emotionally. I want a mum I can phone at 3am and cry down the phone to if I need to. But as a family we don't really do emotion, we do practical. She'll happily come and clean my house from top to toe (which ungrateful as it sounds, I bloody hate her doing. I'm very funny about my personal space and don't like it being interfered with).

Discussing it with her would do more harm than good so I'm aiming for acceptance of what is and what it will never be ..

I have a good relationship now but there were major things (like neglect) from my childhood, A few years ago I tried to talk to her about and she changed history a bit or blamed my Dad. I chose not to push it further, I won’t get the answers that I need but do enjoy how we are now.

It depends if you think she'll listen, reflect and generally be capable of an adult conversation OP. Mine wouldn't. She denies all my memories and says I'm making it up, so there's no point. I'm polite but distant and disinterested with her.

The hardest thing is that I now look very much like her as she was when our relationship really broke down, and my eldest DD is a similar age as I was then. I live in fear of driving my DDs away and seeing her looking back at me from the mirror sometimes nearly drives me over the edge.

My mum is wonderful and I don't have any horror stories, but I am still sad that we are not closer. It is a very caring but 'polite' relationship. We don't talk deeply about what is really in our hearts.

My mum is obsessed with being useful so when we talk she talks about what needs done in my house and garden and how she can help. She won't sit still and she doesn't believe she is valuable just for being her. I would love to talk to her about my emotions and worries, but she is very traditional in terms of sex and relationships, so we steer clear from deep talk about who I truly am (which is very unconventional in this way).

On her side, I think her deepest pain is about her marriage to my dad, and I don't feel strong enough or the right person for her to talk to me about that..... so that leaves us with little genuine, true heart connection. As she ages and I know I will lose her at some point, this makes me more and more sad. But it feels like a big risk to break through that barrier.