This can't be normal, is it?

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It can't be normal to secretly wish your husband would die in the night, because this would be less traumatic than leaving him?

I feel so trapped and miserable. I've wanted to leave him for so long but I don't know how to. I tried in 2017 but he talked me out of it, saying it's normal for love to fade to friendship. I believed him. I don't have many friends in high-functioning relationships; my own parents were bizarre and dysfunctional.

I want to go but I don't know how to do it. DH is 23 years older. I've been with him more than ten years and I know for certain this isn't what I want anymore. I am so different now to the way I was when we met. There is so much about him that I dislike now.

I'm sick of starting each year thinking 'this HAS to be the year when you break away', but ending the year still stuck with him. It depresses me beyond words.

Imagine yourself in the same position in 10 years time thinking the same thing. How does that make you feel?

I used to be you.

It makes me feel suicidal actually. But that might be easier than leaving him. I just don't feel strong enough. He's very sulky, I do believe he loves me but I don't really care how he feels about me to be quite honest. I wish he would break up with me so I don't have to do it. I think I need some counselling to gather the strength to do it.

OhioOhioOhio, how did you do it?

Please tell me more about what it was like for you?

I know how it feels to be trapped in a relationship/friendship, and to imagine life after the person dies. I ended the relationship and have other things to do outside the friendship now, so it feels less of a bind.

I think the longer you stay the harder it'll be to leave, especially as he's older and will start to have more health problems, disabilities, and other difficulties, as my ex did.

Please end it ASAP.

You also need a friend/family in rl to support you in doing this OP. Don't waste years regretting staying.

It never feels like the right time. Money is too tight to live apart, etc We just moved quite recently because I couldn't put it out of its misery back then, either. As the years have rolled by, I've learnt that there's never going to be a right time. Never.

I'm just going to have to say it, aren't I? And then deal with the fallout from there.

I used to pray exh would crash his car on the way home. For years. Not even religious either!
I borrowed cash from a relative and moved out...
Start planning op.

Feel like crying. In fact I am crying. Not because I'm sad about the end of the relationship. I'm sad about how awful he's going to make it.

Thanks Rollonspringtime2020, I have someone I can borrow from. How long did it take you from realising you wanted to leave to actually leaving?

I'm going to try to do it in two weekends' time.

It’s more normal than you think, believe me, I’ve thought it, friends of mine have said it to me.

It took me years to leave XH, despite him giving me plenty of reasons too. My children were small, we were getting married (ironically a reason to stay at the time) and we were relocating. I had too much to deal with, too much to carry.

But when I did it was when I was strong. Sometimes you have to be ready. To gather your strength.

In the mean time, prepare. Get paperwork done, now where you stand. Make a plan.

I think a counsellor is an excellent idea. The morning after I called Relate and had a telephone session (I had used them on my own previously). The counsellor explained they weren’t there to keep couples together, but to find the right way through.

It isn’t an easy path, but it felt right and I had the strength and felt brave.

entitledto.com is a good starting point.

Apply for tax credit application form ASAP.

Start a budget, go through bank statements and work out expenditure, so you know what you need.

Do you have DCs?

0hforfoxsake, did he make it awful for you?

If you have just moved are you on the tenancy or mortgage agreement because if you are you can't just walk away from any legal obligation. If not then start seriously planning to make this break really happen once and for all. Your future is in your hands now.

No DCs which should make it soooo much easier. Ironically it seems to make it harder, which I know is ridiculous.

The main barrier is fear - not of being alone, which is something I crave and am not scared of in the least. Of hurting him and a difficult, horrible mess.

heydey, I trust him to be fair about the mortgage. I really can't see him being vindictive... although perhaps he will surprise me. He has a place owned outright which is nothing to do with me.

It's all the emotional side of things rather than the practical that fills me with dread. I don't 'do' emotions very well. Other people's or my own. I'm quite avoidant.

No, he didn’t. I wish he had, I think the DCs and I are worth more than been allowed to slip away because ‘it’s what you want, so I’m going along with it’. He was having (another) affair so wasn’t really bothered about me and the DCs.

I actually made it easy for him. I had all the paperwork, budgets, got the pension documentation together etc. Made the appointments with mediator and solicitor. I found flats and houses and did viewings with him - I even went to his mortgage meeting.

Because if I helped him, it meant he went sooner. And the transition for the children would be easier if we could stay put.

Can you find a counsellor to talk support you? I looked on the Counsellor directory and found someone local, going simply on the basis of food they look like someone I’d like to have a brew with?’ Found a lovely lady who helped me enormously.

0hforfoxsake I will do that, in the morning. I can't stand this anymore. Thank you. Could you post the link that you used? Not to worry, if not. I'm sure a simple google search will bring up results.

It can't be normal to secretly wish your husband would die in the night, because this would be less traumatic than leaving him?

I used to wish this all the time. I’d listen to mine snoring away in the other bedroom after he’d come in drunk and dragged me round the house by the hair. I used to wish he’d vomit in his drunken stupor and choke on it and I’d have had no hesitation in not ‘finding’ him until he was beyond resuscitation. It was a regular fantasy, or hope, of mine until I managed to get out.

You dont need his permission. Dont let him talk you round. The love has gone and you cant live like this.
Have you thought about speaking to relate (alone) they can support you with this sort of thing too

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Here you go. A couple of sessions could get your head straight and feelings clear. Best of luck.