I know this thread is a couple of months old now. I had hoped to have entered psychotherapy but it is for very good reason, postponed due to the virus outbreak and I feel I just want to write a few thoughts down.
Well, over a month has passed and still nothing from my mother. Today, is my birthday and there was nothing, no card, no nothing. I think a part of me was hoping she would contact me, in an attempt to rebuild our relationship but I now realise I need to let her go. It is painful, so utterly painful and just recently after doing some reading around the subject, I have both cried and felt immense anger, almost rage at her lack of interest/neglect, this I understand, is part of the grieving process. But still, there is something within me that cannot let go of hope completely and I think I will continue to feel this way, so long as my mother is alive.
Tonight, I was remembering how she told me (during my first and last visit), that she still goes to bingo and has a 'laugh'. How can she laugh when she has effectively, loss contact with 2 of her 3 children? I feel angry that it was only me who shed tears during our last meeting and confused because she hugged me before I left and muttered something about bridges needing to be mended but still, cannot bring herself to send me a card. It feels to me, that I must do all the running and make amends but I don't feel I want to because I feel manipulated. I just don't know what makes her tick. My dad left because he (and she) were completely miserable for many, many years and I think, when he came into some inheritance, that he wanted to live out the rest of his life with some happiness. You, would have thought this would have meant my mother would be a greater part of her childrens' lives, she even said she still had her children and at the time, was crying and saying nobody loved her but in effect, she has driven 2 of them away.
Her home has become increasingly dilapidated and to be honest a bit dirty. My instinct, during my last visit, was to offer to pay to replace her bathroom because I didn't want to see her living in this way (lots of mould and dirty) and so a part of me, obviously cares, feels pity. She always insisted on a clean and tidy home as I was growing up and paid far more attention to this, than spending time with us children and if we tried to help, it was never good enough.
Being a mother myself, I cannot get my head around treating children in this way - neither them as a child nor as an adult, it would have to be something pretty diabolical to start the process of non-contact.
I think I feel a sense of shame, that something is very wrong with me and that I was/am unlovable. 'I would never have had children or perhaps one, if I had my time again'. 'It was all my fault that she smoked because I stressed her out' and 'I never wanted to be picked up and cuddled as a child' were all things she said to me during my teens. When I asked her why she stayed with my father after they had split up (my father was physically and emotionally abusive), she said 'well he always put a new car on the drive.' Where does such a bitter mentality come from, what makes a person this way? I have decided, my mother fits the criteria for an ignoring narcissist pretty well.
Sorry, I am rambling on a bit, but only in the past week or so have I truly begun to process all of this. Thanks to all of you for posting and thanks to Gutterton who has provided some very useful insights. I guess, I've got a lot to work through. I am hoping a sense of peace will eventually come and I can let go of most of this baggage but for now the anger and tears.