Marriage rocky but lifestyle is good?

[MoonageDaydreamz]

Wondering if there's anyone in the same boat and what you've done about it, where your marriage is in a pretty shit place, but the life you've built together is very good so you preserve the status quo.

Context is, married for 8 years, in that tricky parenting phase of 3 young children (including v young baby and a toddler),so no time, no sleep etc. Husband in well paid job that he's not that happy in (been trying to find something else but difficult climate at the moment in his industry, no one is hiring and you're lucky if you haven't been made redundant). I've been a sahm since kids (circa 5 years), no immediate plans to go back as childcare costs mean we'd lose money as a household.

Our marriage is very rocky at the moment, with Christmas making things worse, we've argued a lot and it's not been pleasant. We just seem to get on each others nerves and every little thing has become a source of conflict. He's not a bad person and I don't think I am, but I guess we've become very different (or maybe we always were) and I guess if I turned back time maybe we both could have found people we were more compatible with and been happier.

But we have a very good lifestyle, we have a really lovely house, private school and whilst we're not extravagant, we're financially in a very good place. And obviously our kids have a stable family home with two parents who adore them, and with the exception of more arguments over Christmas I don't think they sense their parents aren't getting on (there's not a toxic atmosphere, we don't hate each other, our interactions are more like what you'd have with a work colleague maybe). I don't think I would be happier if I was divorced, I would find life harder in terms of being a single parent, financially, smaller house, and I suppose I do still love him (would be devasted if something happened to him, upset if he met someone else etc).

Not really looking for advice, more a sense of whether people are in this situation and how they deal with it, or whether they have been and managed to turn it around?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

A lifestyle that you want to maintain and or have become accustomed to is no reason to stay together. You two provide the blueprint for your childrens own relationships as adults going forward, is this really what you want to be teaching the about relationships?. Some legacy that is to leave them. They are not going to say thanks mum to you if you do decide to stay with him for lifestyle reasons. They could also accuse you of putting him before them.

It takes two to turn a relationship around and both of you have to be equally committed. A person cannot turn around a relationship on their own.

How old is your eldest child?. Do not kid yourself that your children do not pick up on your antipathy to each other because they do even if they cannot express it. Sound travels too so they likely hear your rowing too. Private schooling and a nice house count for nothing when the children’s parents are conducting their own private based wars against each other.

we've argued a lot and it's not been pleasant

obviously our kids have a stable family home

Both statements cannot be true.

You're kidding yourself if you think your children aren't aware. If it was unpleasant for you it was unpleasant for them. More so probably, because they can't make a choice to stay or leave, it's being forced on them.

What do you want your children to learn about relationships?

I think it would be worth it to explore relationship counselling and hopefully learn to communicate more effectively. Having really young children can be very hard on any marriage. Do you take the time to spend alone time together, away from the house and without the children. Nothing elaborate, just a 20 minute walk together can help a lot.

Has it always been like this? Or has it become difficult since the youngest was born? A young baby and the associated sleep deprivation and extra work takes its toll. My DH and I had a really rough time after DS2, as he didn't really sleep properly until he was 3! It was so bloody hard, and our relationship did struggle. However, we are out the other side of that now. Kids are 10 & 5, we do lots of things as a couple, as well as family time. If it's just the stress of kids, don't give up. It will get better, you have to try though, don't just let it happen.

I've been in a similar situation to you all my married life. My DH and I are like chalk and cheese, we get on but are always niggling at each other. We have teenage children now.
I've been taking a long hard look at my life over the past 18mths or so. I can't imagine being retired with him as we have no similar interests and in all honesty it fills me with dread. I'd happily not sleep with him again, but I do love him in my own way as we have been together forever.
Think I'm just too scared to make a decision to end it as I'm not terribly unhappy. But I do know for sure that I could be happier with someone else so I guess at some point it will cone to a natural end.

My sister lives like this. Miserable marriage, impact on kids, but she and her husband don’t want to reduce their financial situation.

She rings me most weeks crying, saying she feels like a prostitute (no sex, but he’s completely financing her), but does nothing about it.

Try talking to him!

Would you try couples counselling?

Has it always been like this? We’re you ever into each other in a big way? It’s different trying to get something back to creating a connection not there in the first place

Do you love him or his money? Sounds like if he got a less well paid job that made him happier, you’d resent it, especially if it meant you had to take your children out of their private schools....

Sounds like my aunt and uncle. They had no idea my cousins could hear them arguing. The elder two kids are quite fucked up now but on the bright side the third turned out normal. No point paying for private school when the lessons learned at home are that a loveless or stressful environment is acceptable. Hope you can find a way out of the situation OP. Staying together for material trappings, if that's what it comes down to, isn't worth it. Try talking first though and I hope things improve.

I think you need to try and untangle how much is down to lack of sleep and no time together. That can kill the strongest of relationships. It’s brutal. I’ve only got the one, but it’s like a sledgehammer to our relationship. Three must be even harder!

One of my worries in your situation would be is that continuing on in the same situation long term, I don’t think is sustainable. This is the kind of situation I’ve seen where affairs happen and / or relationship breaks down eventually anyway. So if you feel deep down your relationship is over but think the option is either staying together forever jogging along or breaking up now, I suspect that actually a third option is more likely which is relationship break down in ten / 15 years time. As I say, this is just what I’ve observed.

For me I’d be asking, would I rather be single now(ish) and rebuild my life or in 15 years time.

Agree with the above OP that counselling may help.

The fact that you’d feel devastated if he met someone else etc sounds that things may be able to improve?

Marriage goes through cycles - it's not all chocs and roses all the time for most people.

Imagine 5 years time - you are not with him and he is with someone else. Guys usually find someone else. You may or may not have someone else. How do you feel about that?

It is better for kids to be with happy separated parents rather than unhappy parents sticking together only for appearances /material things.

Are you sure it’s not the pressure of three small children? Do you spend time just the two of you? Do you
still fancy him?

Yes I’ve come through the other side, about 6 months now, and honestly your situation sounds much better than ours was!! Unlike you becoming a SAHM saved our marriage I was so stressed with my business and the full childcare of an under 1 (I wanted to do both but felt guilty I wasn’t giving enough to DD). As soon as work was taking out of the equation I could relax, stop being a bitch, appreciate what I had and realise my marriage was worth working on. My husband shuts down when im stressed and snappy but unsurprisingly opens up when treated with kindness. I had to find better ways of communicating what I needed from him and whilst I felt I did 90% of what was needed to get us back on track we are back on track. We have a lovely life together and I’m grateful he is willing to support us (I’ve managed to keep my business going I’m just not drawing a salary for the time being). I did consider leaving him but I didn’t think the grass was greener. I do think marriage takes work and there will be tough years (especially with young kids) but if you have the underlying love and don’t shut each other out completely you can find a way back. I had some good friends who shared their shitty times with me which helped me see there was light at the end of the tunnel.

You need to talk, work out what is triggering the resentment/negative behaviour between you and work really hard to sort it out. It’s hard at first but once you get a bit of momentum it gets better. If you try and it doesn’t work then that will bring more clarity to your decision. It sounds like you have something worth saving though.

I meant to also say that you need to make time for each other. Kids take it out of you and it is easy to get sucked into patterns of behaviour. Break the cycle. Stop and look at him - really stop and look - do you like this man - do you love him, do you want to stay with him? What needs to change? Do you need to make time to talk to each other? If so - book a babysitter - go out and talk. Get to know each other again.

Life with small kids is bloody hard, sometimes relentless. I think as others have said you need to try to get some time together and see if you can reconnect a bit. It's cliched but true.

I agree it can all be a bit monotonous when kids are young. Same shit different day. Find a babysitter and do some stuff together.

What are you arguing about?

Do you fancy him?

@FanSpamTastic is right - all marriages go through rough patches and having small children is one of the most stressful times in any partnership. What do you argue about? Have you tried to talk things through with your DH? Why do you think you are incompatible? There are many successful partnerships in which people have different interests and attitudes and they can work as long as both parties accept the situation. All long relationships need to be worked on and will change over the years. I've been with my DW for almost three decades and we've had some bad times, almost split once, but always manage to work things out by making sure we have regular discussions about the state of our relationship and being open with each other about problems.

I suppose I do still love him (would be devasted if something happened to him, upset if he met someone else etc

does he feel the same? Then ffs do the work and commit to reconnecting. You have more than many people do. You still seem to care about him. If he feels the same, then actively CHOOSE to love each other. It is not all magic. A lot of it is intention. The intention to care about and for each other.

I am happily married, but the most DH and I have ever bickered was when we had a toddler and a baby, and I was getting very little sleep. I found him pretty annoying much of the time because I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, by the constant needs of two tiny people.
This may well be just a very tricky patch , most women I know found that period hard on their relationship. Try and have fun together when you can though, even something simple like laughing at a film together can help a lot if beneath the day to day stresses you love and like each other.
Can you get a babysitter now and again and go out ? Even just for a coffee ?

You're in a very difficult period of life. Both of you are probably feeling ground down by the monotony and exhaustion of parenting three young children. The bottom line may be do you want to have him as a partner or not. But are you trying to decide at the best time? Dh and I argued the most at the point you're at. We had a nice lifestyle but I felt desperate on occasion. I asked myself, genuinely do I want to so this without him? Would I he happier alone? (I found this very hard to decide as the arguments made be lose the dh I loved). Is this a temporary phase that will get better with work? Is he committed to you? I saw it as a partnership primarily and this helped. So we each needed to pull our weight equally when at home together. We made decisions together. Child rearing was shared etc. I think you can have good years and jot so good years. I am glad that I did not give up on us when our 3 d a were small. But I did want to at times. It was really hard but manageable. Does he want it to work and us it manageable? You dont have to decide now whether it's always going to be like this. Just decide on today and this week and try to make those days better. But both of you need to try. I hope it works out for you.

Thanks for your replies, to answer questions -

• yes still attracted to him I don't think it is reciprocated at the moment (post partum body, 1.5 stone overweight), I certainly haven't got that impression.

• I think a lot of it is circumstantial (kids, job pressures, other difficult stuff has happened as well) but we haven't handled it well as a couple.

• it's not me pressuring him to stay in a high paid job, we are both ambitious and have jointly made decisions about our lifestyle, he wants all those trappings as much as I do. Before kids I had a well paid job as well, as well as an inheritance that was invested well. So I've contributed a lot to our current situation.

• appreciate what people are saying about the arguments and what kids pick up on, we haven't been great over Christmas and I regret that. Usually we don't really argue, more just not really engaging with each other, no niceties or affection, as I say more just how you'd behave with a work colleague in the kitchen.

• we don't have any time alone at the moment, baby is too young, cluster feeds, toddler is a bad sleeper etc,so we're not in a position really to get time away. We did try counselling a while back but I actually thought it made it worse, we both said stuff that was hurtful but without it really getting resolved. I'm not sure it's for us right now, and it's difficult anyway for reasons I say.

I guess this has made me realise that fundamentally I do want it to work, so thank you for giving me that perspective.

I think, wait, give it five years.

Try to remove obvious sources of conflict if you can - throw money at the problem if necessary. Anything you spend is a lot cheaper than divorce!