Marriage rocky but lifestyle is good?

[MoonageDaydreamz]

Wondering if there's anyone in the same boat and what you've done about it, where your marriage is in a pretty shit place, but the life you've built together is very good so you preserve the status quo.

Context is, married for 8 years, in that tricky parenting phase of 3 young children (including v young baby and a toddler),so no time, no sleep etc. Husband in well paid job that he's not that happy in (been trying to find something else but difficult climate at the moment in his industry, no one is hiring and you're lucky if you haven't been made redundant). I've been a sahm since kids (circa 5 years), no immediate plans to go back as childcare costs mean we'd lose money as a household.

Our marriage is very rocky at the moment, with Christmas making things worse, we've argued a lot and it's not been pleasant. We just seem to get on each others nerves and every little thing has become a source of conflict. He's not a bad person and I don't think I am, but I guess we've become very different (or maybe we always were) and I guess if I turned back time maybe we both could have found people we were more compatible with and been happier.

But we have a very good lifestyle, we have a really lovely house, private school and whilst we're not extravagant, we're financially in a very good place. And obviously our kids have a stable family home with two parents who adore them, and with the exception of more arguments over Christmas I don't think they sense their parents aren't getting on (there's not a toxic atmosphere, we don't hate each other, our interactions are more like what you'd have with a work colleague maybe). I don't think I would be happier if I was divorced, I would find life harder in terms of being a single parent, financially, smaller house, and I suppose I do still love him (would be devasted if something happened to him, upset if he met someone else etc).

Not really looking for advice, more a sense of whether people are in this situation and how they deal with it, or whether they have been and managed to turn it around?

Thank you to those who've shared similar experiences, it does help to hear.

Also, people on mumsnet are often very scathing about taking lifestyle factors/income into account. It is just being sensible and not throwing things away lightly - it doesn’t mean that the OP is worshipping at the altar of Mammon!

Agree with above. The sleepless years with 3 children are very, very hard.

I would imagine that most marriages out there that have had dips through exhaustion and crankiness.

Ye are both working very hard and life can lack any bit of fun and relaxation.

I think you need to think hard yourself, and then create some space, to sit down and speak calmly and kindly to each other.

You have identified that there is a problem.
You definitely sound as if you still care for your husband.

Try and find the energy to talk to him, an to make a plan that will help you to find a way back to each other.

Could you source some childcare to help give you both a break? Certainly cheaper than a divorce.
Wishing you well.💐

There are enough threads on here of women who hid in stagnant relationships who regretted not taking action sooner.

Why wasn’t addressing the issues in your marriage a part of your original post? It maintaining your lifestyle takes priority over addressing your marital issues, then your problems run deeper than bickering.

Could you have a conversation with your husband where you acknowledge that things aren't great between you and see if you both agree that it's probably down to the realities of three very young children, sleep deprivation and the outside pressures you mentioned?
Not attempting to hash over problems or assign blame now but just to see if you both think thats where the friction lies.
If you do you both feel like that and both want to keep the family intact long term maybe agree to just get through it together till the youngest is around 2?
You could look at counselling then if it's still needed or even just start dating again to try get back to being a couple as well as parents.
Counseling is unlikely to work while the conditions which make it needful are ongoing. Especially if one or both of you are sleep deprived.
Hope it works out for you all.

If possible....Get a babysitter and book a weekend away just the two of you in order to discover whether sleep deprivation is the major factor. If you have a great time together when you are well rested then the marriage is worth saving and you can ride out this rough patch.

As you say you're cluster feeding I imagine your baby must be pretty new (a couple of months at most?). If so, I'd say definitely don't do anything rash. You'll know from having kids before that this phase can be very very hard on relationships. I've had sleepless nights the last 4 Xmases because of kids and it's soooo not the dream, arguments and sniping happen constantly. Give it a while and then when you're less exhausted try and go away for some time together and try and laugh and have sex etc etc. Losing some baby weight in time might help you feel better too (I know that sounds awfully un sisterly, but I say this from experience etc) x

I would strongly advise you to have a
Plan B up your sleeve

Don’t sleepwalk into the relationship ending , and having no job and being stuck

I am not saying LTB , but to be in a precarious relationship and not have some plans , independence , or being able to earn scares me

And he is is not abusive , and it’s a mid life rut , can you try and fix it ? You know the drill

I've been in the same situation as you. Two littles, rocky path after my OH committed several breaches of trust (not cheating, just letting me down when I needed him). Was very unhappy and unsure if I wanted to stay with him at all. We talked about divorce.

We started going to therapy about three months ago, the councillor is using the Gottman method or something. Works for us! We're in a much better place already, though still not perfect.

You shouldn't just walk out of a marriage with kids without at least trying to fix it. Research backs this up, showing that couples in trouble who consider divorce are happier five years later if they've worked on their problems, than those who cut the line.

Also, it's little use, because the problems are caused by us in the first place, and you just carry your baggage into the next relationship - of you can even find someone with three littles from a previous man.

If there's no abuse, and sounds like he's generally a good guy, then you should try and see someone together. It's astonishing how much you'll learn about yourselves.

Give it a try, it'll help. You'll all be much happier if it works than if it doesn't.

I think I was a little harsh in my original post. We had two very close together and there were a good few years when there was quite a lot of miserable drudgery. Do you have any family for childcare help? Or as others suggested, can you pay for childcare to get a day to yourself?

An honest talk about finances and the pressure at work would be useful. Once your baby is a bit older, it may make sense to consider going back to work to relieve some of the financial pressure on your DH, and to give you a plan B.

Did it, but it all fell apart 10 months ago (his choice) I would have stuck with him but 10 months on I'm the happiest I've been in 25 years, met an amazing man and planning a future together once we have divorced our respective partners (we met 6 months post split but paperwork takes forever)

Ps he walked 48 hours after youngest 18th.

He's not a bad person and I don't think I am, but I guess we've become very different (or maybe we always were) and I guess if I turned back time maybe we both could have found people we were more compatible with and been happier

This is the point - you do not stay the same people as you were pre kids, pre marriage etc ! Life is hard and busy at your stage with 3 kids . You need to work at this , both of you .Sit down and have a serious talk and plan your way through this time.

Thanks for your replies.

I do know that these are the toughest years of parenting, and I guess my expectations are lower than his - that is a big issue, I think he feels we should be happier and enjoying life more than we are so everything always falls short of his expectations.

Work wise I'm a bit trapped at the moment, as to earn what I used to I'd have to work hours not compatible with family life (we have decided against nannies), but to go a level down would not be worth the childcare costs for 3 kids. I don't think the extra stress of having even less time would do our relationship any good either.

daydream thanks for sharing your experience. I don't think it helps that we have a close friend, recently divorced who's now very loved up with a new partner, I'm sure it makes the grass look greener.

@Raspberry8925 do you mind me asking what were the breaches of trust? (I'm not being nosy honestly, I'm just interested and what you've said about the therapy sounds interesting - I'll be having a google of that later!). I'm glad you are in a better place and happier now x

To the OP, to answer your original question, no I don't think it's worth staying in an unhappy marriage just for the financial aspects and all the other stuff you mention. It's great that you're in a good place financially and a nice house etc but I just think, is any of that worth it if you're not truly happy? It does sound like you want to try and work on things though. I think you should talk to your husband and be honest about what you've been thinking, and ask him to be honest about where he's at and what he wants too. I do agree what other posters have said about it being difficult with young kids/babies, that definitely put strain on us when ours were younger. I really hope it works out for you x

@bluehairandheartbroken There were several smaller incidents, but the main one was that I had a serious quarrel with my mother, and he took the other side, rather than having my back. This was part of a pattern that, over the years, has made me feel unappreciated and lonely.

The therapy has helped him to see the depth of my feelings and their root cause(s). This has done much to inspire him to take his role as my partner much more serious, and confront his own roots for why he has this tendency to limp out on me.

This has given us a deeper understanding for each other, and a better appreciation. We never managed to arrive there on our own.

Really, I would recommend to try that before going through a divorce. Divorces are a sh*t show.