My Mum decieved me

[Whatisnormalhere]

Hi, my mum has an ex partner that I really do not like. He's the father of my two younger half sisters that are in their early teens. She invited her ex over for xmas, or his kids did...not sure which. When she told me this the night before Christmas over text I was upset. I told her I'm not coming if he's going to be there. At first she tried to convince me to come, using an example of how she put up with seeing an uncle she hates at our last family gathering... she just wanted me to deal with it but I can't... he's a drug addict that I don't want near me or my child.
So I didn't go... we had a nice Christmas at home.

Then a few days later she asks me when I'm coming over so we can catch up and exchange presents. I tell her I'll visit her on new years day.

I get to her house on new years day and later find out that her ex is there though he was out when I arrived. He apparently invited himself over the night before even though my mum asked him not to come! She told him to stay out all day so I wouldn't see him. But everything was closed so he had to come back with my sister...

I felt really upset that she couldn't be honest with me and tell me he was there. I've already told her I don't want him near my son. She knew he was there and purposely didn't tell me because she knew I wouldn't come to visit if I knew. She even tried to hide him.

During the visit i didn't see him because when they got home he hid in the garage, my mum had asked him to... why did she go through so much effort? Why not just tell me then we could meet up another time.

I was very hurt but had to act like I wasn't. Then I overheard my half sister complaining to my mum about her dad having to hide or I'll have a "sook"... they just don't get it..

Was I in the wrong here? Or was my mum? I haven't confronted her, but I did leave earlier than I normally would just to avoid seeing him if he come out of the garage and I was upset with my mum though I hid it.

Oh and I forgot to add it is a 2 hour drive there and back.

Is your mum back with him? Is he still a drug addict?

I don't think she is... yeah he's still on drugs. My mum says he was there to spend time with his daughters... I think he just had nothing better to do.

What sort of drugs are we talking and was he clearly on them when you saw him? If so how do you know?
You seem to have a very OTT reaction to him - and so I’m wondering if there’s more to this? Not being argumentative it just seems an extreme reaction and so wondering what the past is to establish if YABU....

He is on ice and I know he's on it because he has been for years. He's only nice when on ice or smoking weed. When he's not on drugs he's very aggressive. The background is that my mum got pregnant to him straight away when I was 10, then we moved in with him and he was an abusive asshole. He was never nice to me or my siblings, always yelling at us or ignoring us. He emotionally, financially and mentally abused my mum. He sometimes physically abused her too. My mum already had 4 kids when she met him. Ny dad was out of the picture because he was in jail. My mum has smoked weed for as long as I can remember because of her depression and anxiety issues. I just hate his guts. There is a lot of bad things that happened in the past and everyone in my family just wants to pretend like it never happened which annoys me. So I look like I'm being over the top... maybe I should just get over it.. but I don't want toxic people like that in my life.

She has only been split from him for a few years. She was with him for over 10 years.

You shouldn’t have to get over it at all, you are entitled to your feelings and to decide who you do or do not want in your life.

He is your sister’s father though, and is not just going to disappear.

The entire situation sounds very messy. Perhaps going forward you could arrange to meet your mum outside of her home?

So your mum takes drugs but you are happy for your DC to be with her?

Look, you can decide who you want to meet or not, and your family can decide whether they want to go along with your demands or not, but it is all a bit misplaced, isn't it?

Your mum didn't protect you when you were a child. She isn't going to put you first now, either. If you want a relationship with your mum then either you have to accept that or just cut yourself off from her. I would say in her favour that a/ she obviously wanted to see you and b/ she told him to stay out while you were there. But she isn't going to put your requirement first, any more than she did when you were a child.

You almost certainly have years ahead of you of being upset and betrayed by your mum, over and over again. Please have a look at the stately homes threads on this board for some much-needed support.

I can understand why you’re annoyed with your mum. She put him first again, which is obviously what she did when you were growing up. She should have protected you and she didn’t.
It must have been very hurtful to hear he was hiding in the garage.

Can you tell your mum how disappointed you are that he was there? I agree with wareen, I’d say in future you’ll only meet her away from her house, if this man is around.

tell your Mother to go fuck herself and close the door.. keep in contact with your younger siblings

Thanks for the response, I think I will only meet my mum outside of her house from now on.
Okay I wrote a whole long post and I lost it all because I accidentally clicked on something else. So I'm just going to put a few things in dot points.

*My mum and siblings have head lice and have had them for years. I have to treat our hair whenever we get back from seeing them.
*My youngest sister is an evil bitch and treats my mum like her personal slave.
*My other half sister is tolerable but also can be abusive to my mum
*My brother smokes weed all day and always has his weed smoking friends at my mums house, he's 20. His friends are always there to the point they just let themselves in. MY mum won't tell them to leave, neither will he. They are both doormats in this situation, sometimes it is so bad they eat all the food.
*My sister who was born after me and myself are the only ones that treat my mum with any respect. This sister is also in an abusive relationship with her partner and they have two kids together. I fear she is following my mums footsteps,
*My mum is a doormat that lets everyone walk all over. She tries to make everyone happy but only ends up making everyone miserable. Then she wonders why.
*MY mum ends up looking after my brothers 2 year old instead of him when she stays with them because he's too busy with his friends.

I know my mum is the problem in this situation. I can't really remember the point of saying all this. I guess I'm just trying to vent. I don't have anyone I can talk to besides my partner.

It is true that I feel she chose him over me. She always has. There was a time that her ex brought a prostitute to our house late at night while we were all sleeping and fucked her in my mums bed. My mum was sleeping with my little sisters in the next room. I woke up to yelling and screaming and ran up to stairs to find my mum yelling at him and telling him to get out while he was naked. One of my sisters was yelling at him to and he grabbed her tank top and broke the strap exposing her breast....
Anyway, after that the police came, took him away for the night. The next day our grandmother and her husband came and helped us pack all our stuff and move... we moved, spent time in a refgue and temporray house. All for us just to end up living with him once again. i think this is the main thing I can't get over. how she made us move 2 hours away from everything we knew to get away from him just to end up living with him again. just somewhere else...

her ex is also addicted to porn and prostitutes. my little sisters saw porn that he downloaded on his laptop while they were using it to watch movies. i have walked in on him masturbating before when he lived with us...

I don’t blame you for limiting contact OP and well done to you for staying strong and creating a good life for your son despite the trauma in your past. You and your son come first, wishing you well for the future.

I can totally understand your anger toward your mother, but not young teens. Your family sounds very screwed up.

I’m confused about what you say about your sisters. Are these the ones in their young teens? My youngest sister is an evil bitch. My mum and siblings have headlice. You’re referring to the young teens, right?

Has it never occurred to you to involve social services?

Op a since you live two hours away and won't see them day to day are you sure he's not moved in and living with them again ?

The whole thing sounds shocking, with him and prostitutes and porn and your mum smoking weed, you brother and his friends smoking weeds in the house, them being eternally infested with head lice etc.....you should really contact social services (for your younger teen sisters ) they shouldn't be exposed to all of this, it's not a normal childhood, it may be the shock your mum needs to keep him out of her life (after all he can see the younger teens at a contact centre, doesn't have to be in their house )...op if I was you I would also try and help the sister who is in an abusive relationship (maybe send her email account links to women's refuge...or if she has children and you suspect he is violent then alert social services, she may need help to get away from him if she feels trapped ..

Op keep your own children away while ever your mum has the weed smokers and her ex around and while they are the lice infestation..protect your own kids from being exposed to any of it

Try not to be too hard on your mum, it was probably a knee jerk reaction knowing how you would react if she didn’t had told you the truth.
I’m not saying this excuses her behaviour but she may well feels she has to choose between you and your sisters. Explain to her that her not being honest and you could have handled the truth.

It sounds horrendous and dysfunctional.

Consider reducing contact with all of them.

I think meeting your mum outside the home is a very good idea and you should do that, if you're seeing her at all.

I do not see any advantage to your child being exposed to these people and their chaotic lifestyle.

I’m surprised that SS didn’t remove you all when you were younger! Your mum is co dependent on him. She’s probably very unhappy and lonely and he’s taken advantage of that. I think you need to protect yourself first. Like you say, see her outside the home. It’s not a good place to take your child anyway. Keep contact with your mum. You are the only stable influence in her life! Well done you for turning out the way you have. You have boundaries and strength despite what you’ve been through. Have you thought about becoming a social worker yourself? I just think that somebody like you has a lot to offer and you remind me a lot of my friend who now has a very successful and well paid job as a social worker.

OP do you realise you and your siblings have all been abused. And still are being and that it's also your Kim thata abusing them?

Mum not kim

Why haven't you called social services?

Your contempt towards your young stepsisters is not OK. They might well be jerks, but they are also children in an abusive environment.

Is it possible part if you is jealous because you feel their father does not abuse them like he did you? Or they somehow have kt 'easier'. If so, you are an adult now and should know that you need to give your head a wobble for thinking this.

You are an adult now and its time you look to start healing from the past and becoming independent of the abuse.

*cut contact with your abuser(s)
*step up and protect your sisters by informing social services of their condition
*report any relevant abuse to the police
*read books on subjects such as codependency

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I speak the way I do about my youngest half sister because she makes my mums life a living hell and everyone in my family dislikes her. She makes my mum miserable by treating her like shit and like a slave. If my mum doesn't do what she wants she will go to great lengths to make her do it, stealing her phone or handbag... using physical force. She is 13 now and is bigger than my mum, taller and bulkier because she plays football. Honestly I'm scared she will kill my mum one day, either physically or from all the stress she causes her. She is an out of control brat. She makes my mum suicidal but there is nothing any of us can do. It breaks my heart to be honest.... I know my mum has done and tried her best in her circumstances and with 6 children while living off of benefits. I do feel bad for her but also feel she doesn't do anything to help herself.

My sisters dad won't take her either. He knows what she is like and doesn't do anything about it. He isn't a good dad, I'm not jealous. He used to beat the crap out of them when they were younger. He has never hit me but there are times I thought he would. He only hits his own kids. Though he did hit my brother when he was younger but my brother is taller than him now.

Love, don't you think that being brought up in those circumstances and being beaten by her father has some bearing on why your sister is as she is?! It's not come out of nowhere - she's been taught this is the way to be by the violence and dysfunction she's been exposed to. She's 13 and she's a victim who is going on to become a perpetrator. And that's partly on your mum for not protecting them.

This is exactly why you should reduce or stop contact with them.

Imo back away from the whole lot of them. They bring no positive anything to your life.