Conflicted thoughts. How much should you common with your DH?

[Freshnewus]

How much in common do you have with your DH?
All we seem to have in common is the children.

We have totally different taste in TV/film. He decides what we watch, so over the years I don't really know what I enjoy.

He's not into any sport. Whilst I'm not sporty, I love horses and used to ride. I would love to get my children into riding, but he insists this is not on the cards as we can't afford horses. (In both time and money). He laughs and says riding is for girls, but I think it's actually a very boy friendly activity. (Plenty of mud and outdoors, responsibility of looking after animals e.t.c.)

He's terribly unhealthy. Doughnuts for breakfast are standard. Whilst I'm not particularly healthy, I try and find it difficult to be healthy when he won't eat anything I make.

He doesn't like my cooking, whatever I try to cook there's something wrong with it.

It's a total drag to motivate him to do anything, like go for a walk e.t.c

He's the opposite of spontaneous. Everything needs careful planning. (😩😩😩 I am a bit of a dreamer and love on the spot change of plan, whatever I fancy doing at that moment... Which is obviously a little harder with children, but you catch my drift)

He's very intelligent and I'm not (I'm not stupid, I have a degree ... But I'm not smart). So he's often condescending, or telling me that I've done something wrong. This could be something as simple as making the coffee the wrong way, or accidentally leaving the microwave door open, inviting my grandma over without pre-warning him (They dislike each other, verging on hate each other. Which is so sad. But things have been better recently)

We have a good sex life. His sex drive is incredibly high though... Constantly groaping goes on (🙄)
A thread recently made me think about it, but whilst baby would be crying in the room next door, he would try initiating sex. He insisted baby needed to just learn to cry it out (obviously contraversial. But I agree baby's can cry for a couple of minutes before drifting off to sleep. But when they are screaming top of their lungs for more than 10 mins, then I think that's wrong)... I would put my hands over my ears whilst having sex as the crying would upset me... Husband would tell me it's such a turn off having sex when I do that...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

In the recent months he's been a lot nicer. We haven't argued and it's been pleasant, so I haven't thought about leaving for some time. But when i think about it, I don't think we have much in common. He's quite...boring to me.

He's a good person, very honest, a good dad, a good provider and generous. But... Should I be wanting more?

Whilst I've thought about how free I would feel if we separated. I know I would struggle. My children are very demanding. My business is very demanding where I work evenings (I wouldn't be able to work in the evenings if I were single). Also it sounds ridiculous, but I haven't ever been single... I have relationship hopped since I was 14. I'm 30 this year.

I'm sorry, op, but your marriage sounds miserable to me. The two of you are barely compatible. I hope you start doing some very serious thinking about what you want for your life.

The thought of you putting your hands over your ears while your husband has sex with you is just so awful it is sickening. That is not a good man.

YOu sound miserable and trapped. I would suggest the usual thing of going to a solicitor just to find out what might happen if you split up. Can you change your working hours for instance?

Hearing you speak of having or looking after a horse(s) sounds so wonderful in contrast to the abusive misery you are currently spending your time on.

Bizarre. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

Condescending, boring, lazy, patronising, unhealthy, sexually bullying and abusive, neglectful, domineering... yet you say: he's a good person.

It doesn't sound as though you know nothing about yourself and have always lived through men. You haven't been single since you were 14 and living with this Prince amongst men is better than being alone.

You're 30 and it's your life. It's up to you if you stay with him or escape and start living your life on your own terms. Time is ticking on regardless.

Um, this has nothing to do with having stuff in common but the fact that your husband is a domineering abuser who's conditioned you to feel responsible for and to accept his abuse as normal. It's not.

You're describing coercive control. He's not a monster, just a regular human who chooses to be abusive because he likes feeling powerful and superior.

Good dads don't create an abusive environment for their children to grow up in. The evidence is that all children growing up in an abusive home are damaged regardless of whether abuse is directed at them or not. Indirect abuse still has serious lifelong consequences.

Especially when the abuser has trained their mother to accept and excuse it. He is not a good dad. You wish he was a good dad and you'd feel better about living this way if he was, but he is not a good dad.

He coerced you into sex while your child was in such distress you couldn't bear the sound. Yet you seem to think that was in some way acceptable? Or your fault for not being tougher?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you both.
He isn't a bad man. I just don't think we are compatible.
Our families are so entwined, but not for good reasons. It's hard to see if I'm sad because of how things have planned out the last few years. Or if I'm sad that we don't have much of a future.
He would never cheat and I don't think he would ever leave me. He's very comfortable.
So it's me that's got to initio this.

I don't have much savings. We have a good life together and it's very comfortable, so it's going to be so hard to give this up.

I can try to bring my working hours to day time hours, but it's tricky as it's a relatively new business so I need to be flexible to clients.

Do you think I should speak with a counselor? Would they be able to help me consolidate my thoughts. Because right now if anyone asked me why do you want to leave him... I struggle to come up with anything on the spot, as things seem so rosy from the outside. I can write things down though. So it's helped me by posting this.

You know 'anything'

Christ that’s bone chilling. Actually bone chilling. you putting your hands over your ears to stop the sounds of a screaming child and he complains he can’t enjoy fucking you.
It’s actually made me feel sick

Yes, you should definitely see a counsellor. Many, many people get stuck in situations where it seems easier to continue than start over and many people are afraid of being alone. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Make an appointment through BACP or another similar organisation. It will be the best investment in yourself you ever make, if you find the right counsellor. Have a chat with a few before settling so that you get the right one.

I think that as you start to become healthier, you'll be able to see how bad your relationship looks to others.

I have looked into the freedom project before. But his behaviors aren't as severe as the case studies they talk about. However he does show tendencies.
It's partly him and partly him. As I mentioned before, I'm a bit of a dreamer and it pisses him off that in always looking for the next thing to do. Holiday, house project, business plan e.t.c. so I can see why I piss him off.
But I do feel that since having children I just don't want to tree on eggshells to be happy. I want to do what I want. He's not abusive but certainly questions the things I want to do or the things I value in life.

I haven't heard if BACP @1234kbm but I'm going to look them up later.

he’s not a bad man
What else is there he can do before you think he is??
Forcing you to have sex and ignore your crying baby is beyond vile. He’s a controlling bullying abuser, please make a plan to leave.

I would speak to women’s aid in person.
Everything you’ve said on here makes me think he’s abusive.

If you want to make it lack of compatibility then that’s ok. But you’re not ever going to be able to change that. And you’re not going to be able to change his personality or your personality. So if you’re this incompatible then you should separate.

He is abusive OP. His is very abusive sexually, psychologically and emotionally. You are in an abusive relationship. The only reason it hasn't become physical is because you're not rocking the boat. He keeps you under control without having to raise a hand and the 'walking on eggshells' comment is a common marker of abuse.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. He's not your stern dad that you have to watch what you say to. You are not lesser than him. He does not get to dictate what you do, what you say, when you have sex, what you watch on TV, whether you lie there with him grunting over you while your baby screams in the next room.

You are being abused OP.

He sounds like a controlling narcissistic abusive bastard. So sorry you are living through this OP, but his behaviour can't really be dressed up as anything but abusive. Get some advice.

Thanks everyone. My eyes have been opened a little here.
No idea how to bring this up in real life, or who to discuss it with personally. But a counselor is my first step I think to help me make sense of my thoughts.

He nitpicks and denigrates you and the sex thing - it's just horrendous. you may not think it's as bad as other cases you've read about, but it's bloody awful, even so.

I hope you leave him.

Gosh he sounds like an abusive prick, he is in no way a good dad or husband and I worked as a SW and for women’s aid,

I would run a mile from someone that treated me like this. Please call the DV helpline and talk to them.

I'm sat here thinking (having read something someone posted on another thread)

Do I want to start a new life now, or in 15 years time when the relationship will inevitably break down.

Nothing in common, we don't really have conversations. Even if his'behavior' was normal, is it worth staying?

It would be heartbreaking to leave. He would be heartbroken and so would I. We have built a good life. But much of it seems to have been a conveyor belt, the natural cycle of a long term relationship.
Our children are all under 5. So is it just that we don't have much time to ourselves anymore? In which case it's worth trying to save the relationship isn't it? I'm not sure that's it.

If we split, some people in my life will be disappointed and some will say I told you so. I would be centre of gossip, I don't want that.

@MrsPnut is it just the baby crying bit that makes you say that. Because I have to say, that is one of his particularly bad moments I have chosen to highlight here...

Should we be judged on our worst moments? Genuine question.

Yes, I do think your husband ought to be judged on the moment he continued to prioritise his own fuck over you with your hands over your ears trying to block out your baby’s cries. Yes. He absolutely has earned judgement for that no matter if he’s actually Jesus Christ made flesh the rest of the time.

You’re worth more. So are your children.

He is disgustingly vile and abusive. You have been trained by him to minimise his behaviour. He sounds dangerous and an appalling model for your children. I hope you find a way to leave very soon.

Should we be judged on our worst moments?

Depends what we learn from our worst moments, doesn't it? Does he look back and think, mortified, "that was a horrible thing I did" and make efforts to do better? Or does he think what he did was perfectly reasonable and ok?

My worst moments are something I will be forever ashamed of. And they’re not on a scale of as bad as that.
I would wonder how you could keep your dick hard in that situation.

Anyway. Lots of people have told you your fucking up your children’s lives. But at this moment you don’t want to hear it. Though I think you know the truth deep down.

I've been on this site for a good few years and read about a lot of shitty men. Yours would rank very highly on the wanker scale OP.

He really does sound appalling and not just for the baby crying situation.

OP your OH sounds very abusive. What you've described has set off red flags of years of gaslighting and conditioning to doubt yourself. The sex part is, as others said, extremely chilling and worrying. And whilst it's true about judging ppl by their worst moments, you need to ask if the person they revealed themselves to be in that moment is someone you can accept staying around permanently. Because unless he himself apologises and recognises, there's a high chance of a similar situation happening, that's what ppl mean by him showing you who he is I think.

Please speak to someone to help you make sense of exactly what situation you're in and then steps to confront or leave.

I have a lot on common with DP. Hobbies, music & social tastes, films etc.

I find men without a hobby or passion or social outlet boring. They're always the ones wanting sex all the time as their sole focus is you as their entertainment.

I don't believe at all that opposites attract. Non-compatibility is just hassle. You say it would be heartbreaking to leave. I'd say it would be heartbreaking to stay with a critical, condescending man who sees you as a sex object and on top of all that deems himself as more intelligent than you (bore) AND let's you know it.

• sits there stuffing his face with doughnuts for breakfast. How do you feel watching him doing that? Yuk.

Life really is too short for some situations. Break free, and live