Conflicted thoughts. How much should you common with your DH?

[Freshnewus]

How much in common do you have with your DH?
All we seem to have in common is the children.

We have totally different taste in TV/film. He decides what we watch, so over the years I don't really know what I enjoy.

He's not into any sport. Whilst I'm not sporty, I love horses and used to ride. I would love to get my children into riding, but he insists this is not on the cards as we can't afford horses. (In both time and money). He laughs and says riding is for girls, but I think it's actually a very boy friendly activity. (Plenty of mud and outdoors, responsibility of looking after animals e.t.c.)

He's terribly unhealthy. Doughnuts for breakfast are standard. Whilst I'm not particularly healthy, I try and find it difficult to be healthy when he won't eat anything I make.

He doesn't like my cooking, whatever I try to cook there's something wrong with it.

It's a total drag to motivate him to do anything, like go for a walk e.t.c

He's the opposite of spontaneous. Everything needs careful planning. (😩😩😩 I am a bit of a dreamer and love on the spot change of plan, whatever I fancy doing at that moment... Which is obviously a little harder with children, but you catch my drift)

He's very intelligent and I'm not (I'm not stupid, I have a degree ... But I'm not smart). So he's often condescending, or telling me that I've done something wrong. This could be something as simple as making the coffee the wrong way, or accidentally leaving the microwave door open, inviting my grandma over without pre-warning him (They dislike each other, verging on hate each other. Which is so sad. But things have been better recently)

We have a good sex life. His sex drive is incredibly high though... Constantly groaping goes on (🙄)
A thread recently made me think about it, but whilst baby would be crying in the room next door, he would try initiating sex. He insisted baby needed to just learn to cry it out (obviously contraversial. But I agree baby's can cry for a couple of minutes before drifting off to sleep. But when they are screaming top of their lungs for more than 10 mins, then I think that's wrong)... I would put my hands over my ears whilst having sex as the crying would upset me... Husband would tell me it's such a turn off having sex when I do that...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

In the recent months he's been a lot nicer. We haven't argued and it's been pleasant, so I haven't thought about leaving for some time. But when i think about it, I don't think we have much in common. He's quite...boring to me.

He's a good person, very honest, a good dad, a good provider and generous. But... Should I be wanting more?

Whilst I've thought about how free I would feel if we separated. I know I would struggle. My children are very demanding. My business is very demanding where I work evenings (I wouldn't be able to work in the evenings if I were single). Also it sounds ridiculous, but I haven't ever been single... I have relationship hopped since I was 14. I'm 30 this year.

The most chilling thing on this thread is that you appear to genuinely believe he’s ‘not a bad man’. He’s a shit, OP. Why do you think you deserve so little?

It’s not about you having things in common it’s really all about how utterly vile your husband is.

I love horror films and DH won’t watch them it doesn’t affect us at all in the love and respect stakes. That’s what I thought your post was going to be about.

The baby crying and sex thing is appalling and the way it’s written it reads it’s happened a few times.

DP and I don't actually have much in common in the sense of he's indoorsy, loves computer games and being at home watching an action film whereas I'd much rather be outdoors exploring new places or whatever.

The difference is we're happy. I'd assume that's in no small part to the fact he's disrespectful and fun, not a selfish, abusive, domineering, sex pest.

I'm sorry OP but everything your husband does is wrong and you deserve so much better.

He isnt a good man, he's a nasty bully.

The sex as your baby is crying in the next room made me feel sick too. I don’t see how you can both get in the mood at that time. You sound like you weren’t - if you had to cover your ears. If you’re not in the mood, you don’t need to have sex, even if your husband wants to. It sounds as if you don’t know you’re allowed to say no, which is really worrying.

Your husband sounds vile. He’s not a good person if he actively puts you down and demands sex. He’s an arsehole and you’ve been brain washed into thinking it’s normal and ok.

As I mentioned before, I'm a bit of a dreamer and it pisses him off that in always looking for the next thing to do. Holiday, house project, business plan e.t.c. so I can see why I piss him off.

Quite apart from the frankly abusive behaviour around sex, this statement is worrying. He seems to have conditioned you into thinking that a perfectly normal and commendable desire to try new things and make positive changes in life is something to be ashamed of! Why on earth would having an interesting and motivated wife piss him off? He has seriously messed with your head and your self-esteem. He is not a nice man.

I dont think this person is very kind (understatement) and I also think that you do not like him very much. For good reason.. he puts his needs above yours and those of your children. That is not love.

That's enough to leave, regardless of the bone-chilling sex description and the pestering for sex (see above re. putting his needs above everyone else's).

So, people will be disappointed. People will say "I told you so". I can tell you this from experience having been there: you wont only survive those things you will be empowered by dealing with that, because you will show yourself that you are in charge and that you know and value yourself. And in any case, people can only be disappointed in you for so long. Those who really really care about your happiness will be pleased to see you more content.

@Freshnewus It isn’t just the baby crying that makes me say that. Everything you wrote in your OP, I have heard a million times before from other women that have been in abusive relationships. You say that you aren’t clever despite having a degree. I’ll bet you are but it makes him feel inadequate so he tells you that he is much cleverer than you and all the shit about you not doing things correctly is his way of keeping you unbalanced and on eggshells. He likes you trying to appease him and keep the peace so he does it even more. He gropes you because he doesn’t see you as anything other than there to belong to him and the lack of care and regard for his children is chilling. His child was crying and he’s there banging away and getting cross because you aren’t playing the part he wants. Get your affairs in order and leave him or your children will suffer more than they are already.

I've been with DH for 34 years and we have different tastes in books, films, he likes loooong walks, I don't. Many different tastes and that's ok. We respect our differences. He cares about my feelings being hurt and does his utmost not to upset me. If we have an argument or disagreement, we never get personal or nasty.

The groping, you covering your ears during sex, being talked down to - is all really horrible and shouldn't be tolerated. He sounds deeply unpleasant at best.

You are still young, don't wake up at 50 and think "well, I've wasted half my life with this bloke". You don't get time back and you do only live once. You deserve better.

The sex thing is absolutely vile. It would be enough for me just once to leave.
The TV thing is very telling as well.
Tbh even without the sex situation your family life looks hopeless for me, sorry.

Could I please have some advice?
My current work situation is that I am contracted 12 hours per week in a part time job.
I do this in addition to running my new business in the evenings.

I was planning to hand in my notice for my part time job next week. (It's just all too much doing two jobs and having young children)

If I was planning to be separating from my husband. Do you think it wise to continue with my part time job?

I think I know the answer 😣

Have you found out your financial position if you divorce OP or separate? Any legal advice or advice from the CABx for example? If not, that is the first thing you need to do. You can then make an informed decision about your job.

Well done for deciding to separate.

So if you have children, have you worked out how easily you can manage to continue in your job? Do you have reliable child care? Would you be better off claiming UC and perhaps doing some retraining whilst you can stay at home so you can get a better job once the children are all at school.
You can do a child maintenance calculation online and perhaps do an entitled to calculation as well and see how the figures add up with and without your job.

As per pp, you need to get proper advice about your financial and housing position before you do anything else.

Does your home business bring in more than your part-time job and would it genuinely be viable to support yourself with it, should you split up? Regular hours and a reliable income are not to be sneezed at.

Also giving up your job voluntarily may have an effect on whether you can claim benefits.