If you have children, can you tell me if this is something you have done or can imagine doing if you had a terribly behaved child?

[user63212]

I think I had been badly behaved, aged 11 to 13, somewhere in that...i may have shouted in public at my parents or something horrible. i dont remember the specific reason but i remember driving home with my parents furious with me. when we got home (it was a reasonably long journey, at least over 45 mins), they went up to my room, which i had ran to, to hide, burst in and completely trashed it.

tipped over chests of drawers and the wardrobe, threw clothes everywhere, ripped some of them, smashed up a ornaments and things like an alarm clock and photo frames, glass was on the floor, the bed turned upside down, stuff from drawers like school work thrown onto the mounds. they took drawers from the hinges of the bedside cabinets and emptied everything out and threw them across the room. i was scared. i think i tidied what i could and then a few days later they were angry about the mess so they moved the furniture back.

as ive got older i am thinking about things like this more and more. is this self indulgence and self pity, or am i right to think this was unusual and wrong? like i say i dont remember the reasons why there was a big argument that day when we were out, but let's assume i had behaved awfully. my parents have always said i was a nightmare to bring up and i almost ruined their marriage. when i think back to days like my bedroom being destroyed, it fills me with waves of panic.

Abusers often behave normally for much of the time OP. Not all your parents actions were abusive and it is very possible that you were unable to identify the abuse at the time and also possible that they did not intend the abuse or recognise their actions to be abusive. It's still abuse.

From what you have said, you experienced an abusive childhood where the abuse was not visible to outsiders.

It's something that is difficult to come to terms with. It rocked my world when I realised I did not have the good parenting that my parents told me I had.

Hi op, can I ask how old you are? Only because my parents, well mother mainly, was very very strict, to the point where I don’t actually want to give details, but if you asked me what my childhood was like, I’d tell you it was perfect and mean it.

The reason is that firstly I was brought up in the 80’s, so another time, when parenting was very different and different forms of discipline were more acceptable than they are now.

Another reason is because I know my parents love me to pieces. They are wonderful, supportive parents, so rather than make myself a victim of a particular type of childhood, I look at them as just humans, making mistakes, learning to be parents...and having a teen myself now, boy it’s a minefield! I make mistakes with my son all the time, but I like to also think I’ve learnt a lot from my parents mistakes and am better for it.

Obviously Everyone will have a different view. But that’s mine and I feel that any ‘little incidents’ whilst perhaps not forgotten, have been completely forgiven enabling me to have rich adult relationships with my family.

You didn't have everything you needed. What you mean is they didn't let you starve and they didn't let other people see them treat you badly.

They didn't know what else to do? I'm betting they tried lots of options, right?

Let's say they didn't have good parenting skills because of their own upbringing. Ok. Still doesn't change the outcome of their actions.

Nothing - nothing - you did made them treating your room (the only place in the world you could close the door and feel safe) like that. Same with hitting you and dragging you by the hair.

And I'm 100% certain there's a long list of other things too.

Pete Walker has been mentioned. Look at Susan Forward's Mothers Who Can't Love as well as Toxic Parents.

You were a child. You needed to feel safe and secure - THAT was their job. They utterly failed. That rests on them, not you, no matter how difficult you apparently were.

everyone who meets them says they are lovely parents. they are in many ways.

But in other ways - possibly not seen by anyone but you and them - they absolutely were not.

My mother never did anything on this sort of scale, but I really recognise that gap between everyone thinking she was great, her talking as if she was great, and the significant ways in which she wasn’t really good enough. It messed with my head a bit when I realised that.

In response to your original question - I’ve never done anything like that, although I’ve definitely felt the urge to do so out of pure vicious anger. I feel fairly certain I would never give in to that urge though - I can’t really imagine completely losing sight of the part of me that knows how awful that would be for my children.

In my opinion, it's very unusual behaviour. I have 3 DS (now adults) and yes, at times there was conflict between us.
However, I never trashed their rooms or their stuff. Money was very tight in our household and I was always aware of how much everything cost, and would never countenance wanten destruction.

No way. That's definitely not normal. I'm no perfect parent and I've lost it a couple of times but I had to read your post about 3 times before I understood what it said, because I kept thinking it had been you who had trashed the room - that's what I would expect - it's the kind of thing a very angry, very troubled teenager does in response to something big. I can't even really imagine parents doing it. That must have been awful for you :( Parents are supposed to be calm and controlled in order to be your safety and stability during adolescence.

Another time or not - generationally I might say for example that hitting might have been acceptable parenting in the past, not abusive, but parents genuinely believing they were doing the best thing, even though this is not acceptable now. But actually trashing a bedroom, turning over furniture, smashing posessions? Sorry but no, that was never part of normal parenting. It sounds like somebody who has totally lost the plot.

I was born mid seventies and my mum was very strict. I can remember being left for hours at the dining table because I couldn’t eat the (massive) meals that were served.
I started sleep walking in junior school and they wanted to know why. As if I knew!! So they threatened to chop up my bookcase and burn all my books if I didn’t tell them. I love books and these were my childhood memories. I can remember cowering on the floor sobbing saying I didn’t know why I was doing it. The books were in a pile and my dad had an axe in his hand to chop the bookcase. They stopped and don’t do it. They just put a lock on the outside of my bedroom door and locked me in instead .

When I questioned it years later they said they were scared that I’d fall down the stairs, that they did it because they loved me. Bloody awful parenting. Yet they are also supportive, helpful and generous. I try not to dwell on it (and other incidents) as it’s a mind fuck. I’m also very aware of how I parent and ignore my mothers helpful hints about being more ‘forceful’.

Didn’t not dont

You parents abused you.

You are a survivor of child abuse.

They may nave experienced dysfunction and abuse themselves but that is not an excuse, most people who are abused do not go on to abuse others (some will, but most understand particularly from those experiences of their own that it's wrong). Sometimes children are naughty, that does not mean you trash their rooms. They should never have dragged you by the hair.

You can have parents who are abusive while not neglecting your basic needs and while also giving you nice things. They can have some positive traits while still being abusive. Abusers are not pantomime villains or unkind all the time, but when they are unkind that are very cruel.

I used to be told I was a spoiled and difficult child, and I thought I had a normal upbringing. I used to be sad and angry at times growing up but not know why. I felt awful about it as I had such nice things and I got taken on holidays, and my mum helped me with school. I tried hard to be grateful.

I now realise my father was abusive towards me and the rest of my family, and that was why I felt that way. He used to throw my things around and put my possessions into dustbin sacks while I cried if I displeased him, among other things.

I ended up with a non-molestation order against him and no contact as an adult.

This only seems normal and they only seem okay because this is all you know. It's likely weighing on you because your childhood has left wounds. Thinking about this a lot and struggling to sleep suggests to me you found it very traumatic. I used to list symptoms like this and think it wasn't right but not think it could be anything like PTSD as I didn't see my childhood as that bad (I hadn't been in a war or anything)...only when I spoke to other people about it and saw a proper counsellor did I begin to realise, it was that bad, and I did have symptoms of PTSD.

I strongly encourage you to consider finding a counsellor to talk things through, with one experienced with abuse. It's hard to come to terms with as it is a rewriting of the story you have always known and been told...it re-frames everything once you accept you were not the problem, but were abused and didn't have a lovely life. It allows you to acknowledge your true feelings and needs, but there is a lot of grief that goes with it.

I think you are still in denial right now and trying to minimise, because it's scary to see the truth of it and accept your parents are not what they told you or you wanted to believe. It might change how you feel about them as well as yourself. The denial is how you dealt with it as a child, when you were unable to get away, and it's likely part of what allows you to maintain a relationship now.

I hope you get the support you need and deserve to move forward. There are dedicated forums for survivors of child abuse which might help if a counsellor still feels a massive step.