If you have children, can you tell me if this is something you have done or can imagine doing if you had a terribly behaved child?

[user63212]

I think I had been badly behaved, aged 11 to 13, somewhere in that...i may have shouted in public at my parents or something horrible. i dont remember the specific reason but i remember driving home with my parents furious with me. when we got home (it was a reasonably long journey, at least over 45 mins), they went up to my room, which i had ran to, to hide, burst in and completely trashed it.

tipped over chests of drawers and the wardrobe, threw clothes everywhere, ripped some of them, smashed up a ornaments and things like an alarm clock and photo frames, glass was on the floor, the bed turned upside down, stuff from drawers like school work thrown onto the mounds. they took drawers from the hinges of the bedside cabinets and emptied everything out and threw them across the room. i was scared. i think i tidied what i could and then a few days later they were angry about the mess so they moved the furniture back.

as ive got older i am thinking about things like this more and more. is this self indulgence and self pity, or am i right to think this was unusual and wrong? like i say i dont remember the reasons why there was a big argument that day when we were out, but let's assume i had behaved awfully. my parents have always said i was a nightmare to bring up and i almost ruined their marriage. when i think back to days like my bedroom being destroyed, it fills me with waves of panic.

Please get some counselling op. That sounds like a terrifying and confusing childhood.

Some people are bad people. Some people are bad people who have children. Being a parent doesn't cure badness unfortunately.

I had a crappy childhood and after lots of therapy I can now accept that it wasn't me, it was them who failed. I felt sorry for a long time that my parents hadn't loved me enough to treat me nicely but they weren't capable of anything else.

I now have my own family and three kids who have a warm home, nice clothes, loving parents who listen to their inane chatter and treat them lovingly and fairly. They don't give it all a second thought and take us totally for granted, which is just the way I hoped it would be!

Yes, my mum would do anything similar, but not break anything. She would put the entire contents of my bedroom in the middle of the room, in a pile. I was then expected to tidy it all away and bin stuff I no longer needed. It was done as my room was a tip. She used to nag to clean it but I didn't do as I was asked. This was never a punishment for anything else, just a messy bedroom.

Mine also preceded a major event. I was wrongly lifted by police for something I never did. (Boys parent came to our house to appologise profusely) damage done. That was the first time I realised my parents didnt love me. I was 12. It started with a back handed slaptothe face which sent me into the livingroom door handle (big ouch) ended with a pillow over my face with my DDad telling me he "could just do it".

This used to happen regularly to me. Step dad would trash my room, rip posters off the wall, throw everything on the floor if I 'wasn't good enough'. I wasn't a badly behaved child I don't think, and these things happened If I hadn't done the dishes or my bedroom wasn't tidy. It stopped when I was about 14 and decided to do the same to him. I trashed my parents room the same way he trashed mine.

It was his way of making sure I knew the bedroom was not mine. He'd say often that it was not my bedroom, it was the room he allowed me to use in his house.

It's abusive. Even as a one off. How was the rest of your relationship?

whatnow my parents always said the room was one i was allowed to use and not mine. i dont think thats why they trashed it though. they tell me and my sibling that we are guests in their house now. i wasnt sure what to make of that but i never felt it was home for me in the ususal sense anyway, although that comment very much upset my sibling (said at xmas)

Have a look at Pete Walker's website on complex PTSD and see if that makes any sense. I found him really helpful when I was working through some of my childhood issues. I can now see that my childhood was dysfunctional and my parents abusive. It's affected all my relationships, but I didn't realise that until very recently. It's taken long term psychotherapy with an extremely experienced practitioner to reframe a lot of it but the damage is still impacting my life.

You sound like you have reached some awareness much earlier than me and I'd encourage you to work through it now as the sooner you can start to unravel it the better.

I think they probably wanted to scare into submission, into their version of well behaved.

Which is insane. Because as parents we model the behaviour we want our children to exhibit.

Which makes me think it was just abuse. Out and out abuse.

I think you know that their behaviour was off the scale wrong. Do you think on some level they are ashamed? Sometimes people blame instead of taking responsibility. But blaming a CHILD and telling them they drove them to trashing your room is just unspeakably awful. I sometimes loose my temper with kids. And behave badly. I ALWAYS apologise and admit if I've been wrong. Am the adult. Kids are supposed to be hormonal and push boundaries. That's 100% normal. Xx

I think this is abusive behaviour really.They may have looked after you but surely thats their job?! Possibly hard work as a child maybe not still doesnt excuse it IMO! They sound quite toxic to me

Dear god op, I feel horrified reading this, and really saddened. That is abuse, pure and simple. So sorry this happened.

the thing is they are better now. i dont rely on them as much really and they are supportive about things i am doing in my life. it is obvious they care and love me. i feel very conflicted by it all as i struggle to think back to my childhood with much happiness, despite the fact that i do believe they tried their best.

they both came from extremely dysfunctional backgrounds. my sibling's DH has said he is surprised we had the stable upbringing we had given what they learned growing up. it was interesting to hear that and does encourage me to see the wider picture and why as adults they may have acted like they did towards me.

My mother did similar when she felt our room wasn't tidy enough. It was foul.

I've recently gone non contact with my mum and started remembering so many instances of her abusive behaviour.

I have been through this whole realisation OP. It's taken me 5 years of therapy to unravel and understand the impact on my entire life. I spent 30 odd years living unconsciously until I went to therapy and learned my upbringing was deeply unhealthy and NOT normal. The first 30 odd years of my life were lived in toxicity without any awareness at all, and in direct result of my upbringing. I had no idea how to form healthy adult relationships with myself or others.

You can be happy but you must take responsibility from today onwards. Seek some therapy in 2020 and start living your life. Good luck x

Understanding why they may have abused you doesn't mean it was okay or hasn't traumatised you.

There is nothing any child could do that would justify those actions.

My mum was perpetually unstable when I was a child. Regularly threw stuff, emptied my drawers on the floor etc. She stopped the day I did it back as a late teen. It was always about some perceived slight or error in behaviour, quite often utter nonsense.

The biggest lesson I learnt was how not to parent my own dc. No matter how insane they make me, I walk away and go up the shed and have a loud swear. I have 4 dc and will admit that they can drive you to an emotional brink.

It was abusive. Don't care how bad you acted it's ridiculous to retaliate that way. Even if you behaved bad as a child that was a cry for help.
Look up CPTSD.

I dont doubt your parents came by their abusive natures entirely honestly. Typically, folk don't behave in the way you describe unless they have been taught less than nothing about respect, human decency, relationships, responsibility, parenting, communication, etc. Add to that the slightest bit of stress or challenge, and you have abusive parents.

They behaved like monstrous, bullying children in their treatment of you. What agony for you to have grown up with.

But the fact that one can trace the origins of their behaviour doesnt excuse their behaviour or mitigate its impact on you. No one has a right to abuse anyone, much less their own vulnerable child, in the way you describe. The way they behaved was shocking and I'm not sure there is a way to forget what they've done - you'll always know what they are capable of.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. You must have been terrified and desolate for so much of your childhood. I wish I could hug you x

It’s appalling. My DM has a temper, and I was scared of her as a child (she would shout and hit, but what was frightening was the fact that she had visibly lost control and was just in a blind rage. It was terrifying). But she certainly never trashed the house.

Like you, I can see where she learnt it from - her own DM was so violent that her DF often had to physically lock her in the cellar because he thought she might literally murder DM and her sisters if he didn’t stop her. So in comparison, DM was very restrained with me. She stopped DGM hitting me with the buckle end of a belt when I was about four - DGM used to belt her on a weekly basis. She wasn’t intentionally abusive. But I would never attack DS like she used to attack me.

Parents should never do this no matter how badly a child has behaved.
It comes under the description of emotional abuse.
I'm sorry your parents were not the parents that you needed them to be OP.

It's very tough when you assume your childhood was normal and then suddenly come to the realisation that it was in fact emotionally abusive. I'd suggest looking into getting some professional support for yourself if you are struggling.

My mum did stuff like this to me all the time too. I can remember once being woken at about 2am by her where she then proceeded to co platelet trash the room and through everything on the floor so I had to spend the rest of the night tidying it up.
It keeps you on edge as even when asleep you don’t know what’s going to happen. I wake up at any little noise now and I’m sure that’s a direct result of never being able to fully relax and go into a deep sleep as a child as you never knew when she would fly into a rage (often after hours of drinking)

I’m NC with her for the 3rd time now and have been For about 8 years this time.

My daughter often has an awfully messy room (age 11) and I will pile up stuff that’s ALREADY on the floor into a pile in the middle so she can see what needs putting away but not in an angry rage way, just a I expect all this mess to be put away else it’s going in the bin later way.

Children learn by example. If that's the kind of behaviour you saw growing up, it's hardly surprising you may not always have behaved like an angel (and what child does anyway?).

I don't know you or your parents but from the outside looking in, it sounds like a lot of the behavioural issues actually lay with them rather than you. Smashing up your kids things then leaving them to clean up broken glass? I don't think I'm the perfect parent by any means but that is a long way past bad behaviour in my book.

they said they didnt know what else to do.

Right .

No, they behaved like out if control, malicious, destructive, temper tantrum maniacs - not decent or reasonable parenting behaviour in any way.

Surprised they both did it - can imagine one doing it and the other trying to stop them or trying to reason with it (obviously that person should leave the other one but often that doesn't happen for years or at all) the fact both of them were did these sorts of things means you were very unlucky indeed in your Dna donors, ahem - parents.

everyone who meets them says they are lovely parents. they are in many ways.

just these memories panic and upset me from time to time and i cant sleep sometimes.

You had an abusive childhood OP

Physically and emotionally abusive. The social services would have removed you in a heartbeat.

Your parents behaved like deranged animals. There is no excuse. They are disgusting.

I’m so sorry. You have every right to own and acknowledge what happened to you. Your own truth.