Shocked at dh's hug

[Nothatsenough]

Hi, name changed as dd knows my usual one.

Not entirely sure why I'm posting but....

DH is working this evening. When he left he bent down (I was on the sofa), hugged me, almost gave me a kiss - or maybe actually did give me a kiss, a peck - and wished me a happy new year.

This sounds ordinary to you I bet.

It is nearly 15 years since he last touched me with affection. He avoids touching me at all. Actively avoids it.

I didn't reject him, reciprocated I think. It has left me a bit shocked, I was certainly taken aback, uncertain, bemused. Why? Why would he do that after all this time?

Is he ok do you think?

OP give him a call. Check he’s ok. That’s the first step.

The next step is a talk about your dismal marriage tomorrow. Good luck.

It wasn't my first thought that he wasn't ok but its worth checking in. Even if its just to show him you appreciate his effort.

Can't ring him at work, it's simply not possible, but if he hadn't got there they would have rung here and they haven't. I assume all is good then.

I was wondering whether it meant he was going to bugger off, so we'll see, but the more I think about it the less likely it seems.

It is more likely that he's been ill for much of the year; may he thinks I was OK at helping him, looking after him, and perhaps he does want a kinder relationship than it has been.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. He had been an utter utter bastard for years on end, as if he hated me, but he has gradually become kinder and now we are like friends who don't have a great deal in common, who live their own lives, but cook together and eat together most nights. We see each other during the day a lot as we're both home and we are so used to each other. He's more like a brother really. We have separate bedrooms btw. We are friendly and generally amicable. People have remarked on how well we get on.

DD knows damn well that our relationship is not normal, but it's not the only thing about us which is not very normal. I am disabled, he is a musician; this seems to set us apart the most.

Anyway, he's home at the more or less expected time. Nothing to be suspicious about.

I shall see what tomorrow brings. This could easily be a one off anyway.

sounds like you are flatmates; which is not too bad if that suits you.
but the out of character behaviour, I did wonder if he was ill at all. he is a musician; people in the arts tend to be quite expressive, touchy-feely, as if they need that fellowship support to carry on performing, and all the psychic energy it takes. I wondered if he maybe had a slight absence mentally and for a moment forgot you were his wife, =not to be touched, and mistakenly treated you as he would a woman colleague, greeting the new year. has he seemed vague at all.

Maybe it was just a “thank you” for how you looked after him...he knows you are still his wife and knows the relationship is poor but you still looked after him and he appreciated it...if ya feel comfortable about it ask him about it...

It's not just the start of a new year, it's the start of a new decade. Maybe, hopefully, he wants things to be kinder and has done a small thing to try to make a start.

However things work out, best wishes and a Happy New Year to you both.

Strange.... I'd ask him what the hug was about... but in a nice way as it threw you a bit.

This is really a flatmate marriage as you say.

I'm glad he's OK.

I really hope you are OK too.

It's hard to know what to say except I hope that in 2020, you find some measure of happiness. I wish you all the best.

I would try to offer a spontaneous hug to him. Hugging is intimacy and intimacy is helpful. Little steps maybe?

One thing, the lack of affection has not been one way, though my demonstrations towards him have become fewer over the years.

I thought artsy-type people were demonstrative and touchy-feely but dh has too great a need for control to be so. While he was never overly affectionate, he was pretty normal in the old days just a bit too controlling and eventually unkind.

As I said, he's come home, he is being very normal, we are joking a bit about something on the news.

Sorry, false aalarm. Thanks for your time, happy new year!