I love my husband but I don’t like him anymore?

[Myusernameisunique]

So the title I suppose doesn’t make sense. I’ll try and explain but it’s going to be a long post so sorry In advance and thanks for reading if you manage to get to the end!
DH and I have been together for almost 14 years, married for nearly 10 of those and have 2 DCs 8 and 4.
For the last year DH and I have been having issues with our relationship. DH took on an extra job that I had begged him not to take and it basically meant he was working every day and so tired if he did actually spend any time with me and DCs he was literally falling asleep the whole time. I felt completely alone and asked him time and time again to give up job 2. He’s obsessed with money and is never happy with his lot. I offered to get a job. At this time I worked very part time self employed as because of his job 1 not having set hours me working an employed job wasn’t possible due to childcare issues. DH insisted on keeping job2 and we continued on. Me becoming more and more unhappy and bitter DH getting more and more exhausted. I pleaded with him so many times to stop but he just wouldn’t. He said he was fine and it was helping us but I could see our relationship failing and him just getting more and more downtrodden. I finally reached the end of my tether in September. It was a build up of silly things but I really lost my temper and I told him to pack his bags and leave because I was done. This was over a phone call and I was extremely angry. DH was at work at the time. Later on that evening I heard him come into the house whilst I was cooking dinner, I heard him tell our DCs he was going back to work a nightshift and then he left. No communication at all with me. My fault I know but sometimes people get angry and is just reached the point where I felt like I was continually banging my head off a brick wall and I’d had enough. I didn’t have a clue where DH was and attempted to contact him but couldn’t get him. My DBil managed to call him and found out he was staying in his works amenities overnight. I eventually got a hold of him, apologised and said I’d been angry and asked him to come home because we needed to talk, everything had gone too far. He refused. He came home the next day and said he was thinking about leaving. I said that I felt we could work through everything but we needed to talk and communicate better. A 14 year relationship with DCs is at least worth a shot at fixing I thought. DH came back but everything had changed. He was distant and i could feel that things weren’t right. I asked him over and over of he was ok and asked him to talk to me. He continued with job2, even though I really felt we needed a break from it and some time together. It all lasted a couple of weeks and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told him he needed to talk to me and that I couldn’t continue living the way we were. It was unfair on everyone. He then told me he didn’t love me anymore. I was heartbroken. Absolutely broken to the core. We talked it through and he basically told me I was a terrible, awful person. I told him I thought we could work at it. A lot of my attitude had came from pure frustration. I didn’t really believe he didn’t love me. He agreed we should try and sort things. We had a family holiday booked and went away as planned. First week was iffy but the second week I really noticed progress and a change in DH. He wasn’t tired and didn’t seem down anymore. He was more attentive with me as well and I thought we may just get back on track. DH told me he did love me, his feelings had just been muddled and we should put it behind us. We got home and DH went straight back to job2. After a couple of weeks things changed again just back to as bad as they’d always been. I asked him again and again if all was ok, told him I could feel something wasn’t right. He constantly denied it saying he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. After a week or so of that we had a discussion in bed. He was ignoring me, distant and never really home. He told me again he didn’t love me anymore. I just broke down. It was awful. He slept on the couch that night and then we came to an agreement that he needed to go get his head straight so he left. He left me with our two DC’s and barely contacted at all. He didn’t even contact DC’s despite knowing as if told him that he was more than welcome to call and speak to them. I didn’t know where he was. He was adamant that we were over and he was leaving. Unbeknownst to me he’d actually been away seeing mortgage advisors and contacting citizens advice etc to work out maintenance and things the whole time I was asking him if all was ok. We spoke once in the phone and he agreed to try couples counselling. I love him, love having my little family and couldn’t just give it up. I suspected he was in the middle of a mental health crisis and I wanted to help him and save our relationship. During this time I also applied for a new job which I got and was able to take due to a change in DM’s circumstances meaning she could help me completely with childcare. DH came back, we had 4 counselling sessions and after a couple everything turned around. He seemed happier, we had discussions not arguments and he gave up job2 because of my job. He told me he loved me and he was so sorry he put me through all he did. He’d changed back to my DH again, it was wonderful.

The past couple of weeks now though I can feel it all skidding. DH has completely gone off sex. If we are intimate it’s very much for him without me being satisfied and that’s it. There’s no cuddles, kisses, affection. Ive tried to speak to him. I’ve really been struggling within myself and I’ve told him that. I think he’s going to leave and that he doesn’t love me because of his change in behaviour. He just isn’t the same. I’m angry I feel this way. I feel worthless, unattractive, fat, boring and I blame him. I’ve told him that. Not in a horrible way but I’ve told him how I feel and I know I need to sort it out in my own head but I’ve said to him time and time again I want to feel loved by him and like his wife and I don’t. I just don’t get any feeling that he cares. He told me the other night he’s getting impatient with me now because I’m finding it hard to deal with my feelings. He seems to think after 9 weeks I should have dealt with it and be fine. I’ve sent him through articles on anxiety as I feel that best describes what I’m going through and he hasn’t even bothered to read them. He thinks that stuff is silly and I’ve got nothing to be anxious about so I shouldn’t have anxiety. Just like he thinks if you’ve got nothing to be depressed about you shouldn’t have depression. He’s slowly turning into someone I actually really dislike but the strangest thing is I still love him. I’d do anything for him and I want to fix this. I’m sorting out counselling sessions for myself at the moment but I just feel so lost. I’ve never felt like this before. Before all this happened I was sure that DH adored me, I felt it, and the feeling was mutual. I don’t even know what I’m posting here for really. Advice? Opinions? Anything is welcome. Sorry this post is so long!!

Deep breath and take a step back emotionally. You are being pushed into a needy and clinging state by his behaviour and so can't see the wood for the trees. Get your counselling sorted and explore why you are so insecure - is it his behaviour? Or childhood stuff rearing its ugly head? Or is he gaslighting you? Find out what YOU want once you have cleared your head.

Don’t take offense OP but I could tell even by the way you write that you are an emotionally draining woman. Stop chasing your husband so much and being preoccupied with the way he makes you feel. I can understand that you want attention from your husband as any wife does and life isn’t easy with chores and 2 young children but do take effort to focus on yourself and building your self confidence. If you want your husband back then he will become more attractive to you once you let go off him for a bit. Stop bringing yourself and your husband down with your own negative thoughts and feelings. Instead be proactive and start with simple things.. like cooking a new recipe for your family, taking time to read, meet your husband with a good attitude when he comes home from work.

Leave him alone, woman! Poor man must be exhausted

OP I get you are feeling a lot right now, but look back at that post, it is heavy!

Maybe you just need to lighten up a bit?

Sometimes life isn't that complicated we just make it complicated.

It is heavy but it’s how I feel. I really really wasn’t like this until this all happened. It was like when he told me he didn’t love me it completely flicked a switch and I started to doubt everything about myself. The full character assassination I got from him at the time probably didn’t help either.
Before this I was sure of myself. I knew I was loved but didn’t need to be told. I didn’t think I was anything special but I felt attractive and wanted by the person that mattered, my DH. I wasn’t bothered about physical affection. I was sure enough in my relationship that I didn’t need constant reassurances. When things got bad I worried about DH and my DC not really myself and then got angry and frustrated at what he was doing to himself and them. It’s never really been about my feelings until now. It’s very hard to “lighten up” when you feel the way I do. Honestly if it was as easy as that I’d do it. I’m very much so just the kind of person who would usually just suck it up and get on with it. I don’t want to be this person. I’m in touch with a counsellor it’s just Christmas holidays mean it’ll be a week or two before I start sessions.
Best of it is is that my DH accused me of not being affectionate enough or showing him that I loved him by not hugging him and things when he left. I’ve never been a needy person and especially have never been someone who looks for constant attention from their other half. DH would say that himself. It’s all came about in the past few months. I certainly wouldn’t have been described by anyone as emotionally draining before this all happened!

Also I work a lot now and am never really in contact with him apart from the hour or two at night we have together. No texting or calling through the day unless it’s updates for collecting DC. So I definitely don’t chase him. All Ive done is tell him how I feel because I’m feeling something isn’t right and unfortunately at the moment it makes me upset. We’re very lucky to have two easy going DCs and parenting for us isn’t that hard if that makes sense. I also do all the chores, he literally has nothing to worry about. We don’t have hard lives apart from our working lives can be hard at times with lots of hours.

I think people are being harsh. Your husband has said he loves you, then he doesn't, then he does, then he doesnt, then he does again, and now he is acting like he did when he didnt love you again. That would make anyone feel upset, anxious, insecure. Also most people would be pissed off if their husband took on another job they didnt financially need and as a result was too tired and stressed to join in family life.

You cant stop his on again / off again stuff, but you can take steps to protect yourself. Get counselling. Get financial advice etc so you are prepared if he does leave you. Invest in hobbies and friendships outside the home so you have support and your happiness doesnt just depend on relationship. And make it clear if he leaves again or says he doesn't love you again that that's fine but its final as you're not going to put up with being messed about again. Or if he is acting distant and not communicating or treating you properly then I think you might feel a lot better if you take control and end things yourself, so at least you know where you are.

Have you experienced any counselling or therapy OP? I only ask because it seems you appear to have lots of feelings and thoughts swirling around - it might help give you some clarity? I think your question is too complex for a simple thread and response.

Thank you @OoohTheStatsDontLie. I’m way lucky in that I have an absolutely amazing family and some really lovely friends who have been there for me and helped me so much. They are such a good support. I’m also financially fine because of my new job and I made it very clear to DH that one of the reasons I took this job was to make sure if we weren’t together that I would be financially stable and in a good position to look after our DC. That I could no longer work my life and financial stability around his career as it’s unfair. I’ve done it for almost 9 years now and it’s prevented me having a pension or prospects.
@TirannahRex we’ve had some couples counselling and I’m in contact with a counsellor to start some sessions for myself. I do need clarity definitely and I know that mumsnet isn’t the answer for that I more just wanted a space to talk with impartial strangers and gain other opinions. I felt that it may be helpful in the run up to counselling.

IDK why people are being nasty OP, it's shocking. Even the most balanced of people gets upset sometimes, especially as, as you say, he completely laid into your personality etc. Anyone would feel insecure after that.

As to him not doing any chores so he has nothing to worry about, I think he should do more of the chores. It might mean he feels more involved in home life.

His dismissal of your anxiety would really piss me off. Of course you have things to be anxious about, and he's given you them! I hope you feel better in yourself soon and find a way forward that you're relatively comfortable with. Hugs xxxxx

@Interestedwoman thank you. I was honestly the most balanced person you’d ever meet before this. I’m really struggling now though and he’s not understanding at all. I probably am extremely needy and I’m sure it’s a nightmare for him but it’s always in the back of my mind that he’s acting differently again and it rings alarm bells. We went for a family day away with DCs yesterday and he spent the whole time on his phone and barely spoke to me. I was hoping a bit of family time might make me feel better but it actually made me feel worse.

Mines like this and then has a go at ME when I get fed up and call him on it
I'm.insulting him
I'm offending him

All I want is a bit of intimacy from my husband .... too busy.....work....phone....tired.....stressed.the excuses just keep on coming. 18 years together and I'm only 42. Feel like I'm married to an OAP sometimes

I hate to say it, OP, but are you absolutely sure that the second job is a second job and not a second relationship?

Sounds like you are just emotionally drained. I’d park the whole relationship stuff for a while, get counselling and take up hobbies or interests. You said you were feeling fat. Why don’t you start swimming once a week or walking round the park or somewhere else safe with your friends. Or the gym, Pilates or yoga if you can afford it.

To quote Ru Paul “if you don’t love yourself how on the hell you gonna love someone else”.

Make a life for yourself. I imagine your husband is probably hurt and because most men don’t like talking about feelings and emotions to friends (apologies to the few enlightened men that do) he will be bottling his feelings up. I imagine he will be on online dating trying to make himself feel better about your unexpected rejection of him by chatting up random burds for his ego to feel less bashed.

When he had that second job he will have thought he was sacrificing himself for that job to care for his family and think it was a good thing he was the provider.
He wouldn’t have realised that money isnt everything.
Then you throw him a curved ball and he’s all OMG I thought everything was fine as I was doing that for our family and now I’ll never trust her again.
It’s a natural reaction to being burned: keep back from the fire.
The counselling will help you. He could benefit from it too (alone) but I don’t see that happening as he’s prob thrown his toys out the pram since he was hurt and unlikely to engage.
Good luck with it all OP.

Sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship and he’s going through the motions.

You can’t make him love you, you can’t make him be involved and you can’t make him stay. However, you can say the crumbs on offer aren’t enough and if he’s not prepared to offer more, he should go.

Your desperation is driving you crazy and your MH is suffering waiting for the other shoe to drop.

@Zaphodsotherhead second job was most definitely that. Paid cash in hand so I saw the money he was bringing in, unless the OW was paying him of course!
@Elieza I feel fat and frumpy but I’m assured I’m not by various people. I do at least 3 spin classes a week plus a couple of Pilates classes so I don’t think exercise is the issue. More that I’m feeling insecure because of the situation IYSWIM. I’m not really sure how I threw him a curved ball because I always said I didn’t want him to do job2 even before he took it on. I knew it wouldn’t be good for him or our relationship. I’m also not really sure how he was hurt?
@AgentJohnson I really hope not as he could’ve walked away and didn’t. He’d made all the moves to go and had a plan in place so I don’t see why he’d come back? It’s a very confusing time for me though and I second guess everything because I felt so secure for so long then had the rug pulled from under my feet.

He sound grim OP. Of course you want to keep your family together, but it sounds like he does not give a shit about anyone, unless he has a woman on the side. I would say Fuck Him, he has been destroying family life for a long time.

Hang on a minute...he took a second job that you don’t financially need and you do ALL the chores? Did I read that right? You carry 100% of the life admin stuff while he works and stays absent. Then he tells you he doesn’t love you. No wonder you’re in a state! He’s absolutely taking the piss and deep down you know it. Have you thought about separation? Make him do his own chores? Take the kids every other weekend...give him a reality check. You’re being taken for granted and used

Sorry OP I didn’t express myself well before. I was trying to see it from his point of view.

He would have ‘been hurt’ in September when you dumped him. Mostly his pride. In my experience it’s a Man Thing. How very dare a woman dump a man, a provider, a father, the head of the house. (Load of old tosh).

With that in mind, I meant from his point of view, the so called ‘curved ball’ you threw would have been when you told him the extra job wasn’t helping it was actually the cause if the problems, as he may have thought money will fix our problems. If I can just earn more I’ll be a better husband etc etc. (There’s more to life than money, though it helps).

All in all I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Youve been honest, given him every opportunity, and he isn’t changing. Because he either can’t or won’t. And after all the heartache would it be any wonder youve had enough of him.

Glad you are looking after your health at such a stressful time. He’s a prick.

I’ve got private counselling arranged now. Apparently he can’t help me anymore and is fed up of me being unhappy. I should be “over” it all by now. According to him he has to focus on his own happiness. I have never felt so alone in all my like. Even with amazing family and friends to talk to. I just want him to be there for me. He’s changed so much. He’s just such a cold, selfish person now.

Sorry to say it too, but this screams of MLC / OW!!!
He is totally messing with your head right now.
He knows it too.
Please tell him to leave.
You seriously need some time and head space with him away from you.
I'd also look at solicitors and see where you would stand if separation was to happen.
You would be entitled to a lot of his pension as well.
Once he's gone plan some family days out.
Tell him communication devices are a no no and you all concentrate on each other.
But he really needs to get out of your headspace.
It's having a very negative impact on your mental health.
Unsurprisingly!
HE has done this.
HE can fuck off for a bit while YOU decide what YOU want.

It’s def not OW but yes MLC or anything else it could be!
We can’t separate even a trial unfortunately. Our DCs are 9 and 4 and it wouldn’t be good for them having us splitting up and getting back together. It’s not good for them in my opinion. He did leave for a week at the beginning but I had to lie through my teeth to them although at that time they were so used to him not being around they didn’t actually ask about him for at least 5 days.
I’m trying my hardest to just focus on myself and DCs and just let him be. I’m spending a lot of time with my friends and keeping our contact to a minimum. Hopefully the counselling will help me to work out what I want and sort my feelings a bit. He’s said he’s going to be seeing a counsellor through work although I’m never sure if he’s being truthful about that as he has form for lying.

So sorry this is all still going on. :( Of course your anxiety etc is completely understandable- maybe he's in denial about the hurt he's causing you.

Best wishes for the counselling- if you don't get on with one then try another. You could also see your GP and try meds- again, keep going back until they hit on one that works for you- there are loads they can try.

Please keep us updated about how things are going. Hugs xxxxx

I also suspect OW as his behaviour is very, very typical of him having a connection with someone else. Cheaters always find the time so don't be off put by that.

Can you access his phone or email? If you did ask him, expect a denial.

I know how horrendous it is when your spouse checks out. The way he is acting is horrendous for your self esteem. Stand back and don't chase him but ask him to engage with your marriage. I suspect he will look to blame you/force you to make him leave as he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

First counselling session coming up. Things are awful. I’m in bits. Trying to keep it together. I have tried explaining to him that I’m confused by his behaviour but it falls on deaf ears. I’m looking forward to my session with someone that’s unbiased and not friends/family to hopefully clear things a bit for me.