I love my husband but I don’t like him anymore?

[Myusernameisunique]

So the title I suppose doesn’t make sense. I’ll try and explain but it’s going to be a long post so sorry In advance and thanks for reading if you manage to get to the end!
DH and I have been together for almost 14 years, married for nearly 10 of those and have 2 DCs 8 and 4.
For the last year DH and I have been having issues with our relationship. DH took on an extra job that I had begged him not to take and it basically meant he was working every day and so tired if he did actually spend any time with me and DCs he was literally falling asleep the whole time. I felt completely alone and asked him time and time again to give up job 2. He’s obsessed with money and is never happy with his lot. I offered to get a job. At this time I worked very part time self employed as because of his job 1 not having set hours me working an employed job wasn’t possible due to childcare issues. DH insisted on keeping job2 and we continued on. Me becoming more and more unhappy and bitter DH getting more and more exhausted. I pleaded with him so many times to stop but he just wouldn’t. He said he was fine and it was helping us but I could see our relationship failing and him just getting more and more downtrodden. I finally reached the end of my tether in September. It was a build up of silly things but I really lost my temper and I told him to pack his bags and leave because I was done. This was over a phone call and I was extremely angry. DH was at work at the time. Later on that evening I heard him come into the house whilst I was cooking dinner, I heard him tell our DCs he was going back to work a nightshift and then he left. No communication at all with me. My fault I know but sometimes people get angry and is just reached the point where I felt like I was continually banging my head off a brick wall and I’d had enough. I didn’t have a clue where DH was and attempted to contact him but couldn’t get him. My DBil managed to call him and found out he was staying in his works amenities overnight. I eventually got a hold of him, apologised and said I’d been angry and asked him to come home because we needed to talk, everything had gone too far. He refused. He came home the next day and said he was thinking about leaving. I said that I felt we could work through everything but we needed to talk and communicate better. A 14 year relationship with DCs is at least worth a shot at fixing I thought. DH came back but everything had changed. He was distant and i could feel that things weren’t right. I asked him over and over of he was ok and asked him to talk to me. He continued with job2, even though I really felt we needed a break from it and some time together. It all lasted a couple of weeks and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told him he needed to talk to me and that I couldn’t continue living the way we were. It was unfair on everyone. He then told me he didn’t love me anymore. I was heartbroken. Absolutely broken to the core. We talked it through and he basically told me I was a terrible, awful person. I told him I thought we could work at it. A lot of my attitude had came from pure frustration. I didn’t really believe he didn’t love me. He agreed we should try and sort things. We had a family holiday booked and went away as planned. First week was iffy but the second week I really noticed progress and a change in DH. He wasn’t tired and didn’t seem down anymore. He was more attentive with me as well and I thought we may just get back on track. DH told me he did love me, his feelings had just been muddled and we should put it behind us. We got home and DH went straight back to job2. After a couple of weeks things changed again just back to as bad as they’d always been. I asked him again and again if all was ok, told him I could feel something wasn’t right. He constantly denied it saying he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. After a week or so of that we had a discussion in bed. He was ignoring me, distant and never really home. He told me again he didn’t love me anymore. I just broke down. It was awful. He slept on the couch that night and then we came to an agreement that he needed to go get his head straight so he left. He left me with our two DC’s and barely contacted at all. He didn’t even contact DC’s despite knowing as if told him that he was more than welcome to call and speak to them. I didn’t know where he was. He was adamant that we were over and he was leaving. Unbeknownst to me he’d actually been away seeing mortgage advisors and contacting citizens advice etc to work out maintenance and things the whole time I was asking him if all was ok. We spoke once in the phone and he agreed to try couples counselling. I love him, love having my little family and couldn’t just give it up. I suspected he was in the middle of a mental health crisis and I wanted to help him and save our relationship. During this time I also applied for a new job which I got and was able to take due to a change in DM’s circumstances meaning she could help me completely with childcare. DH came back, we had 4 counselling sessions and after a couple everything turned around. He seemed happier, we had discussions not arguments and he gave up job2 because of my job. He told me he loved me and he was so sorry he put me through all he did. He’d changed back to my DH again, it was wonderful.

The past couple of weeks now though I can feel it all skidding. DH has completely gone off sex. If we are intimate it’s very much for him without me being satisfied and that’s it. There’s no cuddles, kisses, affection. Ive tried to speak to him. I’ve really been struggling within myself and I’ve told him that. I think he’s going to leave and that he doesn’t love me because of his change in behaviour. He just isn’t the same. I’m angry I feel this way. I feel worthless, unattractive, fat, boring and I blame him. I’ve told him that. Not in a horrible way but I’ve told him how I feel and I know I need to sort it out in my own head but I’ve said to him time and time again I want to feel loved by him and like his wife and I don’t. I just don’t get any feeling that he cares. He told me the other night he’s getting impatient with me now because I’m finding it hard to deal with my feelings. He seems to think after 9 weeks I should have dealt with it and be fine. I’ve sent him through articles on anxiety as I feel that best describes what I’m going through and he hasn’t even bothered to read them. He thinks that stuff is silly and I’ve got nothing to be anxious about so I shouldn’t have anxiety. Just like he thinks if you’ve got nothing to be depressed about you shouldn’t have depression. He’s slowly turning into someone I actually really dislike but the strangest thing is I still love him. I’d do anything for him and I want to fix this. I’m sorting out counselling sessions for myself at the moment but I just feel so lost. I’ve never felt like this before. Before all this happened I was sure that DH adored me, I felt it, and the feeling was mutual. I don’t even know what I’m posting here for really. Advice? Opinions? Anything is welcome. Sorry this post is so long!!

I am not surprised you are confused at the way he has behaved. It is inconsistent and it looks inexplicable. I can’t tell you what is going on in his head or elsewhere in his life. I can only speculate.

To me it seems that he must have had a very valid reason to work two jobs. In his perspective anyway, even if you didn’t agree with that or understand it. Nobody works two jobs without good reason. They simply don’t. Your counter opinion that you didn’t need the money may be valid justified in your eyes but not his.

This is a pretty big disagreement over a very fundamental and critical element of your life together, money. It wasn’t even theoretical and it speaks volumes about differences in aspiration and values. That have never been resolved. In fact your respective behaviours made it worse. Him taking a job and your reaction in throwing him out. Added to which you both stopped supporting each other and shifted to attaching each other.

Now neither of you are sure of things. He isn’t sure you share a vision of a future together and you don’t think he loves you. Plus you don’t have a way of properly identifying or reconciling your differences.

I expect on some level you do have feelings of love for each other. But you don’t want the same things or share values. That fundamental incompatibility it leading to you both disliking each other. That you both can’t or won’t fix.

Given very part time job and older children at school
I suspect you have too much time in your hands?

What is MLC?

Mid Life Crisis! @blondiebrowneyes

It doesn't matter what advice you get off anyone or it doesn't matter what anyone tells you, you will only do what you want to do and you will only do what you think is best for yourself.I get you have kids together but just go with what you think is best. But don't just hang on to something where your making do. And if I'm honest going to see a therapist probably won't make a difference. GOOD LUCK

@Changeembrace I have one DC at school although they are only 8/nearly 9 and the other is only in pre-school nursery. Definitely didn’t have too much time on my hands! I constantly had younger DC and did all school runs, nursery runs, after school activity runs, household chores, cooking and household admin plus run my own business and was bringing in roughly £100/£200 a week. I work FT now though as DM’s circumstances changed and she basically does all childcare to enable me to work. I now bring in roughly £1k a month. I would’ve went back to actual work when younger DC had went to school anyway just with childcare I wasn’t able to before that as DM worked shifts and nothing I could do was compatible/would’ve made financial sense with private nursery or childminder options. I’m not the cleverest so no degrees or anything to bring in a good wage. My qualifications are in customer service and the beauty industry.

Oh gosh OP, he's told you he has to focus on his own happiness. Next he will be telling you he has been unhappy for years and it's all your fault. 🙄

Look after yourself OP, don't blame yourself. You are amazing, look at everything you do, even sorting childcare out so you could go back to work FT. Meanwhile does he even iron his own shirts?

I highly doubt you will still be together in two years. In the long run you will find someone else who loves you. While he ends up eating poop out of a can on his own.

LemonTT's post above is one of the wisest I've seen on MN.

I empathise with OP's husband.

Not every unhappy/distant man has an OW.

OP you weren't to know but this sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. Your DH has been doing everything right in his mind up until the point you pulled the rug out from under him. Now he'll not only be bitter but most significantly, he'll have gone into self preservation mode (hence the looking after his own happiness stuff).
It sounds like he's trying to check out for his own mental protection for when the inevitable (to him) split comes back again. Rather than this being all about your insecurities, I think he is feeling insecure about the woman he loves and has spent his life with, pulling the rug again.
I'm sure he loves you, but maybe a switch has been thrown in his mind and it can be very hard to come back from that and feel secure, and loving towards someone 'so mean' (again, in his eyes).
I think you both need to concentrate on your own wellbeing - spend time cultivating your own passions outside of the marriage. Take a breather from each other but I don't think you're at the splitting up stage. Hope it works out for you!

Nobody works two jobs without good reason. They simply don’t

I don't agree with this as lots of behaviour isn't "rational". He could have an irrational fear of not having enough money, irrespective of income, he could be using work to avoid home life due to attachment issues or simply opting out of family life, or using work as a source of status or success.

The fact he is not engaging with his wife and discussing is the issue, which leads others to suspect he has checked out. He is stonewalling her concerns, over a long period of time, which led to her asking to him leave. She admits that wasn't positive as said in anger but stonewalling is seen as an emotional abusive tactic.

Is the counselling joint?

@WannaStay thank you! He has said he’s been unhappy for years and it’s all my fault! I don’t know how and he’s never so much as mentioned it until the end of last year.
@Bubbleguns, totally agree with the OW thing. It’s not his style anyway and not something I’d ever suspect. It would be the most massive shock if that turned out to be the case.
He does have an irrational fear of not having money and is very money driven. He’s obsessed with how much everyone earns, how much money they have, how much they spend out etc. It’s exhausting sometimes. And he’s always known even before he took on job2 that I wasn’t happy with the decision and I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him over and over again I wasn’t happy and why. It was never a secret.
It’s individual counselling I’m going for now. We have done couples and it was going well but we thought we’d went as far as we could with it so we stopped then everything went to crap again. I’m looking to restart it.
Thank you to everyone for your comments even those of you that have been less than kind to me. It sometimes helps to see things from another perspective and sometimes I see things I agree with. It’s a tough time but I’ll work it out one way or another as I’m not the type to mope and let things get to me. I’m more of a dust yourself off and get on with it kind of person. I’m just finding it harder than usual this time.

Whether he is right or wrong, being financially secure is very very important to him. This is something he tells you over and over again, in his own way.

Having time with him is very very important to you. This is something you told him over and over again, and in your own way.

Some of the ways you tell each other what is important to you are destructive. His unilateral decision to take a job and you decision to tell him to leave. The disagreement became a battle of wills.

Trying to bend people to your will has unpleasant consequences even if you succeed. Take a step back and see that, because he got his way in this. Which was for the family to have 2 incomes. You probably resent and dislike him for it.

The family has always had two incomes @LemonTT? And I absolutely love the job I’m in now so I don’t resent that. Just didn’t have the childcare to facilitate it before!

It’s not working that you resent. It’s the way things played out when you told him to leave. That was an ultimatum to get him to change. But he stuck to his guns and left.

@LemonTT I don’t think I do resent that. I’m just not happy with how I’m being treated now and how he is now. Why come back and work at something and say you want to when you don’t actually act that way when you do? It’s very confusing for me. Most around me tell me he’s toxic and he’s emotionally abusing me and they can see it. I don’t think it’s that I think he’s struggling mentally but I fear he won’t get help.

He needs to want to get help for himself. It sounds to me like he is depressed: rewriting your history, no intimacy, self absorption etc. Would he see the GP (take meds?). You have recognised that he needs help with his MH, you know him not us internet randoms. The way he is behaving is soul destroying, a total MF for you, you are in shock, grieving and trying to desperately help him all whilst holding it together for your DC and trying to impress in anew job. Geez, I can't believe the "lighten up" comments above (Trolls?).

I'm sure this feels like an utter nightmare for you. You are doing amazingly well, you sound strong and are getting up each day and trying to get through it. You are getting help for yourself, so doing the right things. Be really kind to yourself, pamper yourself and try to emotionally "detach" as much as possible from your DH. Offer tosupport in getting him help, but like the old saying "you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink" you can only offer, he has to want to be a better H and father and deal with his issues. So you must put all your limited energy into looking after yourself to be strong for your dc.

If he does have MH issues it doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. My H was incredibly cruel to me whilst going through a MH crisis. He may not have "been thinking logically" but it felt like abuse to me and caused me great emotional pain.

OP threw her husband out. Whether it was a heat of the moment thing or she meant it at the time, that's not an easy thing to get past.

A big question here is whether husband's poor mental health is caused by, or causing, the relationship problems.

@Bubbleguns we should’ve moved past that by now though and if it really affected him that much why come back and treat me badly when he had an opportunity to leave?
He has a lot of past issues, things from growing up, that I believe affect him way more than he’ll let on. I can’t continue being treated the way I am that’s absolutely for sure and having that confirmed by a counsellor has made me realise that actually I am ok and this isn’t right.
For now I’m focusing on my job, DCs and counselling. Trying to make the best of what I have and detach from DH. I won’t be drawn into anymore arguments and I try not to let things upset me. I honestly feel sometimes that he enjoys that power over me. Everyone IRL sees the situation and tells me to leave but I’m hanging on because I love him and I really do think he needs help and it would be a shame to throw this away and not support him. It’s getting harder and harder though.