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Original poster

Can you truly be friends with someone you slept with?

37 replies

Bumblingbeeswax · 31/12/2019 05:37

I have a friend that i don't see very often, we used to be FWB but we basically ended up meeting other people the same year. We are part of a close group of friends that have eventually moved further away from eachother and so makes it harder to see everyone as regular as before.

Anyway we are both now married and have been with our DH/DW for 10 years now.

I really do care about my ex FWB but he was always out partying and meeting new women etc and i never really expected much out of it, it was a bit perplexing for me at the time as he was very good looking and was actively persuing me. always taking me out, spending hundreds in one night, travelling hours sometimes to come to see me when he was living away for work, but we never ever talked about relationships

So fast forward to the last 10 years and we've been out together in an extended group a handful of times. Each time he tells random strangers that i am his girlfriend, holds my hand and asks me to sleep with him.

I've never cheated on anyone, he met his DW before i met my DH and the FWB relationship ended as soon as i found out he had met someone new. I cracked on with a couple more potentials before settling down about 6 months later with my now DH.

The latest meet up (tonight) was no different. He dropped me in a taxi to my door and nearly got out but i told him to go back to his hotel. Every couple of years i hope that we can get over this awkward we used to fuck thing and be the good friends we actually are

Possible?

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 31/12/2019 05:39

Ime no

Bitofnamechanging · 31/12/2019 05:42

It can happen. I'm very good friends with a guy I used sleep with. I'm now married and he's seeing someone. There are zero complications. I think your fella there is lacking boundaries so it won't work

GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/12/2019 05:43

Well it's clearly not possible for him. And you're repeatedly allowing his behaviour to continue.
If you know what he's like why would you get a taxi alone with him?

Either be friends and make the boundaries very clear, or cut your losses.

You both need to have more respect for your spouses.

Original poster
Bumblingbeeswax · 31/12/2019 05:47

I wasn't in a taxi alone with him. He was with another friend who was sharing the hotel with him. He tried to tell our friend that he wanted to have a chat.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/12/2019 05:49

That's fine but you still allow the rest of his behaviour to carry on. Just start shutting him down when he's inappropriate.

Clymene · 31/12/2019 05:58

I am but that's not what's happening here. My exes don't hassle me for sex. He's not a friend, he's a sex pest. Why are you putting up with it?

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 31/12/2019 06:04

He’s not a friend.
I have a friend who is an ex, I’m married with three children, he’s in a long term relationship. He comes over for dinner; he went on my husband’s stag do, your guy is being pushy.

Betterbegoing · 31/12/2019 06:05

Wtf? This is the weirdest thing. Surely you’d just avoid the fuck out of him, the two of you aren’t remotely what I would call friends Confused you’re married and he refers to you, to other people, as his girlfriend? Very weird.
FWIW I do think you can be friends with an ex... but you two can’t.

category12 · 31/12/2019 06:11

In general, yes.

In your case, no. He's not interested in being just friends, for a start. Friendship is not one person fending off the other's sexual advances.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/12/2019 07:43

I'm good friends with 2 of my exes. Both married, kids etc. There's no way on earth either would hassle me for sex, and vice versa. As pp have said, it's about boundaries. Make yours high and clear. He's a pest who wants a shag, not a good bloke who despite once being fwb wants to maintain the friendshiip

mindutopia · 31/12/2019 07:54

Definitely, but not if one of you acts like an inappropriate twat.

I have an ex I was with for probably 4 years in my early to mid 20s, serious relationship, we lived together, talked of marriage one day, etc. We broke up though but stayed friends. It was more ‘friends’ at first and we would still have sex sometimes (in our mid-late 20s at this point, it happens). We both eventually moved on. He met his now wife. I met dh maybe a year later.

We hardly see eat other as we live in different countries now, but we’ve always stayed friends. I’m actually closer to his wife now that him! Dh and I went to their wedding (they were invited to ours too but couldn’t come, new baby and it involved a lot of travel as I’ve moved away).

We’ve been friends probably 16 years now. I’m friends with several other exes too but not as close as to him and his wife. There is no weirdness there though. Dh trusts me totally (I would never hold his hand or tolerate any flirting) and neither of us have any interest whatsoever in the other.

SimonJT · 31/12/2019 07:59

My best friend is an ex, he was also an FWB, we just spent xmas together at his family home.

He however is not your friend, he is a sex pest. Big difference.

whatswithtodaytoday · 31/12/2019 08:01

Yes, but not with him. He sounds awful, no normal person acts like that. He's not your friend.

Bluerussian · 31/12/2019 08:26

It's possible but not with you and him! To maintain a friendship with someone you were once sleeping with, both have to no longer fancy but genuinely like and respect each other. He still has the hots for you so don't.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2019 09:01

I read your thread title and was coming in here to say "Of course you can!" but in this specific case, no.

It is a shame, but sometimes you have to let people go - for their own good. He clearly wants more than you can give.

Maybe a frank conversation would, in the long run, do him some good? He might be hanging on to an unhappy marriage telling himself that "one day" you'll both dump your spouses and get together. If you're honest with him that it's never going to happen, it might give him a kick up the bum to either leave an unhappy marriage or put some adult work into improving it.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/12/2019 09:17

Every couple of years i hope that we can get over this awkward we used to fuck thing and be the good friends we actually are

You are making a number of errors in your assessment of the situation, namely:

  1. that this person is your friend - he isn't
  2. that this is "awkwardness" about your sexual past - it isn't. He doesn't feel embarrassed or awkward about having once slept with you, instead he feels entitled to keep having sex with you. He regards being his girlfriend/sexual partner as a club you never leave, so to him you aren't a friend - you're a potential dick-holster.
  3. that he is a nice guy - he's not. He shows no respect for his spouse and none for yours.

Stop miscategorising this as "an awkward situation with a nice guy". It's not. If you had never slept with him, how would you regard his behaviour - creepy, sleazy, and bordering on frightening, yes? So why is it somehow OK for him to treat you that way?

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 09:20

If one of dps friends kept acting that and dp kept meeting up with them or told them it's not fucking on I would be furious.

Aminuts23 · 31/12/2019 09:59

I have 2 ex’s that I’m very good friends with. One was a FWB and nothing more and the other I had a brief relationship with. I’d consider both of them amongst my best friends.
However neither of them sexually harass me or act inappropriately ever. They treat me as a friend and with respect.
Your ‘friend’ is an immature arsehole who clearly thinks nothing of trying to put both of your marriages at risk. He doesn’t respect you or his wife. I’d give him a wide berth in future. He sounds awful.

Menora · 31/12/2019 10:01

Yes but only when you no longer fancy each other mutually. I have ex friends and friends I’ve slept with but neither of us are holding onto the past and don’t talk about it anymore!

RipleysCat · 31/12/2019 10:17

DH is good friends with an ex, they share a hobby together. It’s been about 20 years though since they were a couple so there’s no awkwardness.
Although over the years she’s become one of my best friends and is closer to me.
Your friend sounds like he is trying it on to see if he can still sleep with you. Sex pest.

ChristmasSweet · 31/12/2019 10:25

Feel a bit sorry for your husband to be honest. You're allowing another man to call you his girlfriend, to other people. How is he going to take that if he finds out? Would you be happy if a woman called him her boyfriend then also kept offering sex? Hmm I don't think so.

Dunno why you're keeping this idiot around, for an ego boost? He's not a friend, he's heading into affair territory. Ditch him and focus on your marriage.

OurChristmasMiracle · 31/12/2019 10:53

He’s not interested in being friends so no a friendship can’t work. He clearly still thinks or hopes you can be friends with benefits.

I do think it can and does in some cases work, but that has to be based on mutual respect for each other and their relationship. My former FWB would never even consider making a move even if they became single because as a FRIEND they want to see me happy and respect the boundaries. Your former FWB doesn’t sound like much of a friend Tbh

TheReef · 31/12/2019 10:55

Yes it is possible. I'm good friends with a few men I've slept with. But I had absolutely no feelings for these men at all, none whatsoever, I think that's the important thing. When we go out on a group I sometimes actually forget I've slept with them

Echobelly · 31/12/2019 10:59

I'm someone who is just friends with a former FWB, but I know some people can't manage that, I don't know why it varies between people, but it does. I feel a lot of affection for exFWB but we could never have been a couple, we want very different things out of life!

yellowallpaper · 31/12/2019 11:18

So he would be happy to cheat on his wife with you? And he's a nice guy? He's someone with no moral compass who enjoys the chase and sleeping with other women.

A. I wouldn't even like someone like this let alone be his friend
B. I think he could end up causing trouble in your marriage.

Tell him clearly you will not be associating with him unless he stops this behaviour and you are not his bloody girlfriend!

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