Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ok, finally reached my limits. So what happens now?

30 replies

user1495870676 · 30/12/2019 22:35

Dh has a problem with binge drinking. We keep setting limits ( like when he should drink etc) but he keeps gradually pushing and always ends up back at the start i.e. drinking from 11am on his days off, keeping buying more beer instead of sticking to the few he bought originally .
It has been affecting our DC age 9 recently so we had to have a very frank conversation about how if staying with him was detrimental to dc then I would end it straight away. Dh grew up in alcoholic household and has some bad memories of his childhood so understands my point. Today he went out to pub ( after a run of night shifts and no sleep today) for " a few" come 7 pm ish I phone him to see what state he is in and if he needs picked up and after him answering but not speaking then answering incoherently eventually a woman answers says she is the barmaid and angrily ( understandably) tells me that my husband has been filmed by some girls trying to damage and burn her car. I then hear him being threatened and told to fuck off out of it etc. Phone then goes dead and when I get him back on phone again it's about 30 mins later and he is barely understandable saying its "all cool". Comes home denies everything. I gave him a sleeping bag and the couch and left him to it. But when I went down there to get dc a drink he had emptied his pockets onto couch and I found a bag of white powder ON THE COUCH . He says he doesn't know what it is (?cocaine or mdma) . A few years ago he had a really bad episode of depression and attempted suicide- I can't believe he would take drugs and risk triggering his mental health problems again. And today he gave me a huge lecture about overspending on the food shop but spends money on drugs, ( for the record I spent 70 for a few dinners and for nibbles for a NYE party). Sorry if this is disjointed but my head is upside down and I don't want to drip feed. Been married 13yrs. I will talk to him tomorrow about going somewhere else to live but just need a hand hold and advice.
I still love him. And when he is sober he is the funniest kindest person. But horrible when drunk.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 22:40

He was filmed trying to damage and burn the bar persons car? He could be in serious trouble.

TimeforanotherChange · 30/12/2019 22:43

I'm so sorry. You sound very tolerant but I would be saying to him tomorrow, when he is sober, that he has blown his last chance and that for the sake of your DC you are ending the marriage and he needs to go. Alcoholics are always sorry afterwards and always think they can change...can control it...It isn't a problem...

It is. And if he genuinely could stop then why has he fucked his marriage after the last conversation you had?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/12/2019 22:43

Why was he damaging her car? Was it because she had refused to serve him any more alcohol?

user1497997754 · 30/12/2019 22:44

Get rid of him he us not a good father and a shit husband and a drunk....who could be in trouble....you need to stand up fir you and your daughter and tell him to leave

Zofloramummy · 30/12/2019 22:45

Oh my lovely you can’t carry on like that, he’s a disaster zone. Yes he needs to go. He is an adult with the ability to make decisions about his own life but it is impacting seriously in your life. He is a heavy drinker/alcoholic and is leaving drugs on your couch, he isn’t thinking about you or your ds at all. He’s a risk, a risk to your child growing up in a toxic environment seeing things no child should have to see.

Ask him to go, he then has a decision to make, sort himself out and after a considerable time proving he has changed he might be able to build some bridges OR he carries in destroying his life. But at least that won’t be under your roof.

DoctorManhattan · 30/12/2019 22:46

His behaviour is completely out of order on many levels here, but on the cocaine one alone I’d be telling him to move out. Having that falling out of his pocket into the sofa when he is comatose is a massive risk to your DC and being around that behaviour will only damage them.

Zofloramummy · 30/12/2019 22:46

Ds - dc

Original poster

user1495870676 · 30/12/2019 22:48

I don't know why he was damaging the car but yes I suspect maybe she refused to serve more drink. He can get really angry and aggressive when drinking and drugs would only make it worse.
What's worse is that he has a police check thing(?pvg) for his work so if he gets charged with anything will lose his job.
Me and dc don't need this anymore.

OP posts:

PickAChew · 30/12/2019 22:53

I'd throw him out, at least until he can get his shit together. He's not going to see any reason to change without feeling immediate consequences. And you're right, you and your child shouldn't have to be caught up in his mess.

christmasstress · 30/12/2019 22:56

I'm so sorry but I think you know what to do.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/12/2019 23:03

He doesn't deserve your love. See him for the selfish, destructive alcoholic he is and switch your love for him off. It's very easy to do if you choose to see the reality and not the rose-tinted fantasy your desperately gripping onto. You deserve better than this. Your DC deserve better than this. You have a choice. Make it.

Original poster

user1495870676 · 30/12/2019 23:17

My choice is made. He will have to go because I don't want my dc to grow up watching this cycle of drinking and denial. It's easy to say that now tonight when he is drunk and on the couch. It's tomorrow when I will have to be strong and follow it through. What's worse is that I am seeing his dsis tomorrow ( who I love like a sister) and would rather sort it all out before I have to tell family, as in the past they always try to fix things and make them better but talk me into letting him stay.

OP posts:

Cocobean30 · 30/12/2019 23:20

I can’t believe you’ve stayed with him this long OP. Stay strong and don’t let him manipulate you out of your decision.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 23:28

I would take pics of the drugs you found, and tell your family about the barstaff's call - then maybe they'll finally get why you can't go on with him.

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 23:38

He doesnt believe the limits you set for him because there are no consequences - and his behaviour is dangerous - how did he get home from the pub? He has white powder but no idea what it is? FFS, this man is out of control. He needs to hit rock bottom before he takes his behaviour seriously, and that may have to include not being with you for a while - or even forever if he cant get it together. He needs rehab, support but first of all consequences. Plus, if he grew up in an alcoholic family, he will know how much damage it causes, so should understand you dont want him around your child when he is like this.

SilverSurfer2020 · 30/12/2019 23:43

Train wreck.

Weirdly the part that got me the most was lecturing you about buying some food; and then going out and spending loads on alcohol and drugs.

memaymamo · 31/12/2019 01:37

Have you ever had a proper discussion about AA (or similar) and going completely sober? It sounds like he's a different, quite decent, person when not drinking. I agree that you need to separate for now but you could try to agree on a timeline/ultimatum for getting sober in order to reconcile.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2019 07:55

OP, if you feel yourself faltering today, look at your husband and see your dc's future if you stay. Even if DC never has a problem with alcohol, they will be completely messed up by growing up in this situation. If they grow up. What if DC had come down and picked up the powder in the night?

I couldn't leave the abusive ex for me, but I could do it for my son. He kept me strong by existing. Something I only understood after the fact was how much a 9 year old will pick up on what is going on. It took a conversation between a social worker and my son for me to fully comprehend that (he was a couple of years older by then, but he was referring back to incidents from age 6 onwards - things I thought he knew nothing of). I'm not saying this to be upsetting, but to save you from making the mistake I did - I stayed too long.

Not saying your husband is abusive - but it is the same dynamic in that you feel unable to leave when you focus on your husband.

By staying, you are condoning and enabling your husband's behaviour - keep that in mind too.

If there is a local Al-Anon group, or a CoDA group, those are both places where you can find support when the decision to leave feels too much.

dontknowdontknow · 31/12/2019 09:02

By throwing him out you dramatically improve his chances of getting well. He needs to feel the consequences and desire to get better. Whilst you stay he doesn't need to do that. Although it feels like the reverse you really are doing him and yourself a favour and demonstrating good acceptable behaviour to your vulnerable DC.

BaolFan · 31/12/2019 09:28

His family want to talk you into letting him stay because they like the status quo, and it's easier to pretend that he's 'just' a binge drinker who gets a bit lairy. If you chuck him out (which you should BTW) then it forces them to face up to the fact that he is an alcoholic who is damaging his children.

Good luck and hold firm. If you haven't already done so then look for an AlAnon meeting for you to attend so that you can get some support.

Remember the three Cs - You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What that means is that he has to find his rock bottom and reach the stage where he wants to find help. In the meantime you need to detach for your own wellbeing as well as that of your DC.

finn1020 · 31/12/2019 09:34

But it is detrimental to your DC. It’s been like that already for ages by the sound of that. A 9 year old sees a lot more than parents realise sometimes, even if understanding comes later. If you don’t want your DC to be like this too, you need to provide a different home environment now, so he/she learns it’s not the norm for everyone.

BobbyBlueCat · 31/12/2019 09:41

I would say that at 9 years old your child already has been long-term affected an is at high risk of becoming the third generation of alcoholic in your husband's family.
If you falter, look at your child and picture him in 30 years putting another spouse through the same as your husband is putting you both through now.
Even without the alcoholism, one incident of drugs being brought in to the family home would be enough for me to walk away for good. Without a backwards glance.
You MUST do this for your child.
Stay strong and good luck.

Groovinpeanut · 31/12/2019 09:44

It's time for tough love!
You've given him chances, tried to work with him with regard to limitations, he's just carrying on regardless.
Your duty is to your child.
As hard as it is you need to stand firm, bringing drugs into your home along with the alcohol issues is just not fair to your child
You would think having grown up in a home with an alcoholic he'd want better for his own child.
Make him leave, you owe it to your child.

DonPablo · 31/12/2019 09:47

God, this sounds bad.

I think you're right to have reached your limit. What are the practicalities for splitting? Get all that shit sorted and present a fait accomplis.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/12/2019 09:56

Don't back down on this.
I assume you have threatened before and never followed through so he has basically had a free pass.
No consequences to his actions.
But there are many consequences for you and your DC.
He has already been affected by watching this cycle over and over again.
Think of him. Think of how he will end up. Just like his father, if YOU don't make a stand against it and follow through.
Don't allow your poor DS to follow in his dads footsteps.
Show him it's wrong and that you won't put up with it affecting him anymore!!
You got this!

Flip

1 2