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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Debating abortion

37 replies

NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:20

Before anyone starts telling me off for getting pregnant with my boyfriend in the first place, spare me - things were going well.

Been with boyfriend 2 years. He moved to Liverpool from a place 4 hours away and hasn’t made any friends, his small family are still back home. That’s just a bit of background but I feel that’s part of the issue. We each have our own places but live about 10 min walk from each other. I fell pregnant in November (making me 9w+2 today). And I’m so happy and excited but we as a couple are really struggling.

He has two other children (about 2 now I think) from a one night stand that he doesn’t want to be involved with, which really bothers me despite me encouraging, but I can’t force him. We argue a lot, we see each other less and less as time goes on, he’s really socially awkward around my family and friends so i find it difficult to bring him out sometimes and relax as I worry about him and finally I’ve been to his place a couple of times in these 2 years and honestly, it’s a ,Esw -I couldn’t believe it, he had ripped the flooring up with a view to put more down but never has, dishes and clothes everywhere, a damp smell - I’d worry about bringing the baby round to his. Again, I’ve raised this and he said he’s going to sort it but I’m unsure.

I’m starting to feel like we just aren’t meant to be together - but what do I do? He’s always maintained he do anything for me which 8 believe and I think he’s a great guy but the timing of this is awful given my new situation. I want the best for the baby but as things stand right now he isn’t the best...

OP posts:
Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:21

Sorry and meant to say the fact that he has no friends/social circle bothers me as all he has is me, so he hasn’t nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 22:22

He sounds absolutely dreadful. Could you cope with being a single mum? Having to co parent with someone who lives in a midden?

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:26

I could cope yes, and I’m starting to realise that’s my only option. I’d need his financial support of course but yeah. I’d be okay.

His place is just a mess I couldn’t believe it, so we spent Amy evenings in etc always at my place which took its toll and one of the reasons why we argue!

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Legomanships · 30/12/2019 22:26

I think right now you should take some time and think about what you want. Having a baby doesn’t have to mean staying with him. Lots of people co-parent, lots of people raise children on their own, and lots of people make big changes to their lives when another life is on the way.

It might be worth speaking with planned parenthood Just to explore all your options. Whatever decision you make will be what’s right for you and for your baby. You’ve got this. Just take time and explore everything before you make a decision, which can be made with, or without him.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:26

Any* sorry awful keyboard on this iPad!!!

OP posts:
Mostlyhappy4 · 30/12/2019 22:28

If you take the moral view of abortion out of the picture for a minute (I'm pro-choice but appreciate it's a contentious subject), do you want to be a mother? How old are you? Do you feel you could cope as a single parent? I would consider these things primarily. If you could cope on your own and definitely want a child, I think I'd consider keeping the baby. However, I would not want to rely on this guy - things sound unstable there. Do you feel strongly about whether it's ok to have an abortion yourself? I firmly believe it is the woman's choice and don't think you should ever be persuaded to do something you don't want to do (i.e. keep the baby) just because other people take a moral stance on this. It's your body, your life.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:28

Thank you @Legomanships, I just feel like a complete idiot, but I have flirted with the idea of going, fuck it I’m doing this on my own, I have a great family down the road too.

I’ll have a look at planned parenthood - thanks very much

OP posts:
rhowton · 30/12/2019 22:30

If I was in the same situation as you, I would have an abortion. ❤️

fussygalore118 · 30/12/2019 22:30

Does he provide financially for his other children? Does he see them?

He sounds like an utter waste of space. If you go ahead I think you would be wise to think you will be doing it as a single parent with no emotional or financial support from him.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:32

@Mostlyhappy4 yes, I want to be a mother, I’m 31 and my heart is saying completely go for it. I’m just a bit scared, but ready. I was debating abortion because of him and the way he is etc. Things are unstable with him and I’m not even sure I know the full history even now, he prides himself off being a ‘closed bookand ‘private’ but I don’t like it and it’s massively made me think twice. I was literally on the cusp of having a serious word with him about it all and then I found out this news which threw me off!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:33

Doesn’t see the children but supports them financially, I believe.

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category12 · 30/12/2019 22:36

God, how many kids is he intending to have and abandon? What trash.

pallisers · 30/12/2019 22:42

Doesn’t see the children but supports them financially, I believe.

I doubt that very much. In your situation I would have a termination and move on. If you do continue the pregnancy, do it on the basis that you will have no support - financial or otherwise - from him.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:43

It would kill me to get an abortion but I feel like I (almost) have no choice - he’s just not what I want and I can’t have a baby to him, realistically can I?

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QueenOfTheFae · 30/12/2019 22:46

Whatever you decide, you will get through it.

Personally, I would not want to be.tied to thos person for at last the next 18 possibly more years, hes not supporting his children that are here already.

You deserve more Flowers

Foxglove85 · 30/12/2019 22:46

I can’t believe people on here ‘advise’ people to have abortions based on a few paragraphs?

You don’t need some deadbeat dad in order to be an amazing mum. In fact, better to do it on your own (though incredibly tough) than do it with someone you’re not sure about.

Perhaps give him a chance to access some help for his social anxiety and sort his living conditions out? Sometimes having a baby can trigger all sorts of personal reflections and improvements. But equally, be mentally and financially prepared to do this without him if he can’t come up to scratch. Good luck!

category12 · 30/12/2019 22:49

Best case scenario is probably him buggering off never to be seen again, so at least he might let you raise the child in peace, if you're lucky.

But no, it doesn't sound like a great idea to have his kid.

category12 · 30/12/2019 22:51

Foxglove85, how many babies does he need to be triggered? He's already had two Hmm.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:51

Thanks everyone for your comments, it’s made me think a little clearer, although quite upset!! But that’s okay, it will be hormones and just the weight of the situation combined...

Thanks again all

OP posts:
Mostlyhappy4 · 30/12/2019 22:53

Personally I would not be holding my hopes up for him to have some great personal reflections and improvements. I agree, you can be an amazing mum without a partner (I'm single with two kids, I'm not claiming to be amazing but I do well and we are a very happy little family) BUT whether you decide to keep the baby or terminate, I def wouldn't plan it around this man. I asked your age because I wondered if you might worry that a second chance might not come along. Are you close to your mum or do you have a sister that you could sound things out with?

Summerandsparkle · 30/12/2019 22:58

Having had a child I think choosing the father of your children is the most important decisions you will ever make in your life- id definitely tell my daughter this. It is so hard, but if you have family support and it sounds like you want the baby- that’s your choice.

A long time ago I fell pregnant to a total waste of space and having the termination was the best decision I could have made. I now have a lovely husband, beautiful little girl and solid family unit- I would have crumbled in any other situation.

The choice is yours and good luck with whatever you decide. Either way it sounds like you need to get rid of this man as he has a terrible track record.

Ambrose2 · 30/12/2019 23:04

I would be dumping him, regardless, and then working out what I wanted pregnancy wise without him.

Original poster
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 23:04

I agree I wouldn’t want to continue anything with him, I’d love to co-parent in an ideal world but it’s things like his property and no social interactions other than me putting me off completely. You’ve all said some really useful things for me to think about, thank you x

OP posts:
Foxglove85 · 30/12/2019 23:07

Apologies, when writing my post I forgot about the two previous children..he doesn’t sound like he’s taken any opportunities to better himself. So yes, you could hold a glimmer of hope but generally accept that he’ll be a deadbeat dad.

I think I was trying to be positive because everything you’ve written regarding the pregnancy (NOT your boyfriend) reads like an excited 31 year old woman with good family support, thinks she can cope and knows she’s ready and has found out she’s pregnant. And I think the compatibility of that happiness with abortion isn’t great. It would be different if you were indifferent to the pregnancy or knew that your situation was overwhelmingly set against the pregnancy. But nothing you’ve said suggests that’s the case.

I really hope you can access some support to help muddle through these feelings. But I’d consider him out of the equation, whatever route you take

girlygirl98 · 30/12/2019 23:16

Didn't bother reading about him. Do you want it ? Can you make it work? That's all you need to think about imo.