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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Debating abortion

37 replies

NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 22:20

Before anyone starts telling me off for getting pregnant with my boyfriend in the first place, spare me - things were going well.

Been with boyfriend 2 years. He moved to Liverpool from a place 4 hours away and hasn’t made any friends, his small family are still back home. That’s just a bit of background but I feel that’s part of the issue. We each have our own places but live about 10 min walk from each other. I fell pregnant in November (making me 9w+2 today). And I’m so happy and excited but we as a couple are really struggling.

He has two other children (about 2 now I think) from a one night stand that he doesn’t want to be involved with, which really bothers me despite me encouraging, but I can’t force him. We argue a lot, we see each other less and less as time goes on, he’s really socially awkward around my family and friends so i find it difficult to bring him out sometimes and relax as I worry about him and finally I’ve been to his place a couple of times in these 2 years and honestly, it’s a ,Esw -I couldn’t believe it, he had ripped the flooring up with a view to put more down but never has, dishes and clothes everywhere, a damp smell - I’d worry about bringing the baby round to his. Again, I’ve raised this and he said he’s going to sort it but I’m unsure.

I’m starting to feel like we just aren’t meant to be together - but what do I do? He’s always maintained he do anything for me which 8 believe and I think he’s a great guy but the timing of this is awful given my new situation. I want the best for the baby but as things stand right now he isn’t the best...

OP posts:
readitandwept · 30/12/2019 23:17

You had this same issue in June and the same doubts. What happened with that pregnancy?

NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 23:20

Miscarried.

OP posts:
NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 23:25

Yeah I want it and can make it work, I just wanted to see if it’s sort of wrong to bring a baby up without a ‘stable’ dad. I know it’s over between us in terms of our relationship, but I wanted to ask what other people thought of the situation at a glance.

Yeah I have a great mum and dad, few cousins too. My mum would be distraught (she’s pretty old fashioned) but she would support either way.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 30/12/2019 23:30

As you want to keep the baby and feel ready in yourself I'd go for it. But without him. I'd even be tempted to dump him right now and just tell him you had a termination. But that's immoral and I'm not saying you should do that.
Have you family or close friends who will support you?

NotExactly9 · 30/12/2019 23:32

Not really a lot of close friends, but or 2 good ones. I have a strong family too that are local and I’m close to.

OP posts:
june2007 · 30/12/2019 23:38

Hangon you are beratting him for no social life and you say you don,t have many close friends?? So perhaps your not so different afterall.

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 23:47

If you have this baby you will be connected to this man for the rest of your life.

Crunched · 30/12/2019 23:56

Having had a child I think choosing the father of your children is the most important decision you will ever make in your life- id definitely tell my daughter this.
Wise words ^

BecauseReasons · 30/12/2019 23:56

he’s just not what I want and I can’t have a baby to him, realistically can I?

Of course you can. Let's face it, OP, lots of women have babies with the man they think is the love of their life and in a stable marriage and find themselves single parents in the middle of custody battles before the kid is five. Life has no guarantees.

If you have this baby you will be connected to this man for the rest of your life.

Maybe not, given that he's refusing to have anything to do with his existing ones.

For me, it's simple. Ifou want the baby and you can support the baby then have the baby.

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2019 07:33

I think the fact that you've been pregnant twice in a year suggests that you really want a baby, and terminating a pregnancy after miscarriage would be extremely hard.

category12 · 31/12/2019 07:53

Yes, if you've been pregnant twice recently, it does seem like you really want a baby. So he'll be a shit dad, at least you know that going in.

NotExactly9 · 31/12/2019 15:37

Thanks again, for your opinions.

@june2007 there’s a difference between having a strong and quite large family and a handful of close friends and nothing at all. Your comment didn’t prove helpful to my questions at all.

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