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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to be upset here?

29 replies

Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 19:06

Hi..hope you guys can help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years.
Recently things have been very rocky and we have hardly seen each other since October. I found out he was using drugs and acting badly towards me. We still stayed in contact. He keeps saying he misses me and he went on a family holiday over Christmas where he said he was working things out. So he came back I went to see him and I could tell he was high that morning..but I didn't want to cause a scene. Then he fell asleep. The whole time I sat feeling awkward and I left after a while. Then he rang me to ask if I wanted to get a takeaway, I said I'd head down.
I got there within half an hour with the beers he asked for..and he either wasn't in or ignoring me. Wouldn't answer his phone even though he was active on whatsapp. So I sent some nasty texts, couldnt help it.
Not heard from him since and he's not been online since, that was 2 days ago.
I'm so upset. Why keep trying to talk to me saying he misses me only to behave like this? I feel bad for sending shitty texts but I was so mad. If he really wanted to work it out surely he would be trying, or else leave me alone to get over him.
He says I have pushed him away in recent months but it's because I tried to enforce boundaries, i e the drug taking.
We're constantly arguing over how his friends/ drugs come first, yet he does nothing about it.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 30/12/2019 19:10

Stop calling him your boyfriend, he sounds like a total loser

Ollypollydolly · 30/12/2019 19:10

I’ve been there OP. Walk away. Things will never change and even if they do, the memory of it will chip away at the respect you have for him to the point where you don’t even want to be with him anymore. Life doesn’t have to be like this and your relationship doesn’t have to be like this. This isn’t it now- you have the opportunity to walk away and find better

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2019 19:12

Why are you wasting your time on this loser? How many times do you need to see proof of what a waster he is? Block and move on.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 30/12/2019 19:14

He wants both you and the drugs. Block and delete.

BorissGiantJohnson · 30/12/2019 19:14

Surely this is your ex, not still your bf?

rvby · 30/12/2019 19:16

What are you wanting to have happen @Ariel856 ?

Hes clearly showing you that he cares very little about you. You can't make someone care about you, that's something that's either there or it isn't.

What do you think you should do next?

Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 19:19

I don't know what to call him. We never broke up officially. I've just kept waiting for him to figure out out. I hoped.
He works away and seems to keep right when he's away but soon as he's back it's drugs again. I think this is what happened the other night too. Just feel really hurt. I was doing ok cos he seemed he was thinking of me getting better then soon as he's back it's the same again. I know im a fool and i just dont seem to learn.

OP posts:
darndifino · 30/12/2019 19:20

The drugs will always come first - like any addiction he can't just decide to put you first, it doesn't work that way.

You can't persuade him, he needs to deal with that himself.

Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 19:27

The thing is, when he's away working or his family holiday, he seems to control the drugs. So it's just me he can't do it for.
I don't know why I can't seem to walk away. I can't even really move on as we haven't spoken about splitting officially.
At least what little self esteem I have has prevented me from calling him.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 19:29

Honey, my cousin (who I adored), was a loser pretty much exactly like your boyfriend. Get out while you can. He's not worth it. He's not worthy of you.

He treated his girlfriend/wife like absolute shit. Sadly they had a child. It didn't go so well for the child.

justsotiredallthetime · 30/12/2019 19:49

Seriously move on. When I was 18 I wasted 2 years on a druggy loser, I thought the same as you 'I can't move on blah blah'! YOU CAN....I did (Admittedly not with the person I'm with now) but I met someone who treated we well and it lasted 5 years. Sticking around won't do you any good and he won't change!

rvby · 30/12/2019 19:57

I can't even really move on as we haven't spoken about splitting officially.

@Ariel856 Do you know that you can just dump him and move on, he doesnt have to be involved in the discussion at all..? This is your life... you're the protagonist of this story. You're acting like a bit player in your own life!

He stays sober for work and family, when hes not in those two situations, he gets ripped and has you go get beer for him and then locks you out. And you're somehow here trying to explain to yourself that you're still in a couple with him?

You're not in a couple. He doesnt give a fuck about you. This isnt a relationship. It's a convenient arrangement for him to get someone to deliver food and beer to him when hes on a bender.

This ain't a fairy tale OP. This guys barely recognizes you as a human being. Hanging around mooning over him and being nice to him is just making him think you're really pathetic (sorry).

What do you think is going to happen next if you keep in contact with this guy? Serious question. What is your prediction?

Interestedwoman · 30/12/2019 20:04

He is a substance abuser, that's chavvy. You can do so much better. If you value your self esteem as you say, bin him and you'll eventually find someone worthy of you. xxx

Gingernaut · 30/12/2019 20:08

So he came back I went to see him and I could tell he was high that morning..but I didn't want to cause a scene. Then he fell asleep. The whole time I sat feeling awkward and I left after a while. Then he rang me to ask if I wanted to get a takeaway, I said I'd head down.

Why??????

He's a drug addled loser who prioritises getting high over quality time with his DP.

Dump him.

He may well be clean and sober at work, but his pastime is drugs.

Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 20:16

I don't know what is wrong with me. I felt fine whilst he was away then I knew soon as he's be back id be upset again.
I know he treats me like crap. But when he says he misses me I give in only to be treat like crap again.
Why does he try to reel me back in when he doesn't even want me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 20:17

I think I need to change my phone number. I'm just not strong in this situation.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 20:22

I think that is a singularly good idea.

He tries to reel you back in because you're useful - you buy him beer, takeaway, a nice girl on the arm, no doubt you give him some loving as well. It's an entirely one sided transaction.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/12/2019 20:28

There's nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly normal to be upset when you realise a relationship is not good and has run its course.

Be thankful for the good times you had and put him firmly into your past.

Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2019 20:33

I think you need to look at why you have set the bar do low for yourself.nits clear to everyone on here this guy is a loser.

Are you afraid to be alone? Think you can't do better?

Surely you know that you deserve to be treated better in a relationship.

Want better for yourself and never entertain this idiot again. He's not the catch you think he is.

Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 20:39

Well, he was the one who was paying for the takeaway. He was to reimburse for the beers but I have drank them now.
He is a paranoid mess on drugs anyway, I have just received a text from him he is obviously off his head again. I do realise it's not going to work. I have to push myself forward.

OP posts:
Desolate2nite · 30/12/2019 20:47

Definitely change your number. I did that nearly 3 months ago and it's definitely the best thing to do. My ex was a druggie and, to my shame, I was taking coke with him. Its not been easy but I don't give him or the drugs a second thought now. Put yourself first x

ErickBroch · 30/12/2019 20:53

??? Boyfriend?? Really?? Change your number and forget him - this literally isn't a relationship just walk away x

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 21:03

Hello OP. This man is a long term problem for himself and anyone who likes or loves him. I would not want to presume what you might want in the future, as many women are now not having kids. But if you envisage your future with a partner and kids, this one is not going to work well for you and if you want those things and pursue this relationship you are in for a couple of decades of pain. Sorry to say this, but I have been around a long time. I wish you all the luck in the world, but you are unlikely to have a good life with this guy.

chipsandgin · 30/12/2019 21:07

Please walk away. Block, delete, change your number, whatever it takes. You are worth more than this & there are good men out there - moving on is the best way to give yourself the opportunity to find one. He is not one of them. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Ariel856 · 30/12/2019 21:09

He certainly doesn't treat me like a girlfriend. I guess I just hoped it could work but it seems it can't unless I do all the running. He just doesn't want to give up the drugs.

OP posts:
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