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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being really stupid to give this a chance?

31 replies

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 16:59

Met a man in a pub a couple of weeks ago through a mutual acquaintance. Spent the rest of the evening talking and got on well. He is separated from his wife, they have different houses, but remain amicable. He said nothing negative about her at all. They have two children, 9 & 5, and the eldest has quite severe needs. He lives around the corner from me. I enjoyed talking to him and we went home, separately, without exchanging numbers or anything.

Through coincidence I bumped into him a week later in a different pub in a different area. He said hello, then a while later said bye. I said he was welcome to join me & my friends for a drink since his were leaving, so he did. He had no plans for Christmas Eve because his children were visiting his wife's family abroad, so I mentioned that I was going to our local with my friends if he wanted to come. We exchanged numbers and he did turn up.

He's been texting me since. I do quite like him, but am I mad to be considering anything considering the complexities of him only being separated and not divorced, and having young kids?

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 17:03

How long ago did he separate from his wife?
I'd keep him as a friend and see how the rest of it falls into place.
You seem sensible and are aware of his children and their mother.
Good luck.

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 17:12

To be honest, I don't know. It didn't seem my business to ask the first couple of times until he's started texting me. He has asked me out for a drink just us now, so if I go I'll ask.

I've been caught out by a man before who was separated from his wife, definitely lived separately to her because I used to stay at his house with him, assured me it was a permanent split and the lack of divorce was due to money, and naively I completely believed him, and then I found out through someone else he was actually back together with her but had conveniently not told me. I don't want to be in that position again.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 19:02

Tread carefully and enjoy it as a friendship. Who knows what will happen but it sounds quite good.

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 19:38

Do you think so? I wasn't sure whether to tell him nicely to get back in touch, if he wants to, after his divorce?

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 19:41

I’d stay away he is still married after all. Just wait until he’s divorced.

allthesharks · 30/12/2019 19:43

I don't think you're being stupid to consider it. Just be sensible and take things slowly. I would be expecting him to want to take things slowly too. I know you said it was through a mutual acquaintance, rather than friend, but could you ask this person a bit more? Maybe phrase it in such a way that you're not digging for information, but want to know if you should leave him alone if it's possible that he and his wife could reconcile as you wouldn't want to stand in the way of that or get yourself in to a tricky situation.

allthesharks · 30/12/2019 19:47

Just to add that I met my partner while I was still married. I had been separated for a year, had sold our house etc, but we hadn't started divorce proceedings yet. I had spent that time rebuilding my life, focussing on my children and ensuring their happiness. I didn't expect to meet someone so I viewed the divorce as a paper exercise that could wait.

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 20:23

You invited him to join your group of friends not to move in. Enjoy the night out, don’t get attached until you know more. And no, you don’t need to wait for the divorce to come through (it can take years) it is not as if he is living with his parents, if he has committed to pay a deposit to rent a house, they may be well over already.

Just one thing too, being together with someone who is getting through a divorce is not exactly easy, if you want to avoid the drama, run away.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/12/2019 20:39

I am separated, not divorced. My exH (technically my H, i suppose) left in 2015. My partner is also separated, not divorced, and he split with his wife in 2016. Technically i suppose we are adulterers... but neither of us are bothered too much.

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 20:48

It's not the socialising with friends I'm wary of, it's the texting and invitation for a drink just us two. I once thought that about house deposits meaning a serious split, until that was the situation for the last man I was with, and I found out through friends he'd gone back to his wife and hadn't told me for 8 months.

Pleasantly surprised by these replies, thanks. I thought everyone would tell me to avoid him, just in case his wife didn't know that their separation was final & I'd be acting as the other woman.

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XXXXXX42 · 30/12/2019 20:53

My sister split from her ex husband. They decided to wait the 2 years to do a no fault divorce. They both moved on, my sister met a new guy, had a baby... He met a new lady. They didn’t bother with the divorce paperwork until my sister wanted to get married 9yrs later!

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 20:55

They don't live together - that's separated enough to start a relationship!
Divorce is expensive and potentially upsetting, even if you're well over each other. It took me and my ex 4 years to do it and only because he wanted to get married again.

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 21:12

They don't live together - that's separated enough to start a relationship! Okay great. I think the married man who went back to his wife has skewed my perceptions a bit.

I've been single for ten years (except previous married bloke) and I'm in my 30s so I've got my fingers crossed that this might actually turn into something, eventually. Can't remember the last time a man actually wanted to go out with me instead of just ringing when he fancies a shag.

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Interestedwoman · 30/12/2019 21:28

I wouldn't wait till he's divorced. He'll have someone else by the time those years a divorce takes have passed. He's not with his wife anymore, he's single.

It is probably a bit more of a risk, but worth a go if you like him. You're going into it with your eyes open. xxx

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 21:29

There's always a risk I think - being divorced doesn't guarantee that a man is over a marriage. Just don't assume he's still in love with her because they haven't done an expensive and time consuming legal process yet.

sugarisbitterintheend · 30/12/2019 22:47

Op you just said that you hope it turns in to something.
He is getting a divorce for a reason, it may not be all his fault but if they haven't been separated long he may have not dealt with issues or got over the marriage.

Also walking into a breakdown like this could bring you a huge amount of trouble as there are dc involved.
You need to make sure you clear what you want from this and what he is realistically able to give.

Whathewhatnow · 30/12/2019 23:07

Really dont assume that the fact he is still legally married means anything. Many, many people have moved on emotionally a long time before the marriage finally folds. Your previous partner just sounds like your common or garden variety of shit. I wouldn't see everything through that lens.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 30/12/2019 23:15

I met my DP when I was separated. It wasn't complicated and I just hadn't got divorced yet (was waiting for 2 years separation so I didn't need to explain myself to strangers).

It's bound to be trickier with children involved but maybe it will be fine. Good luck 😊

JKScot4 · 30/12/2019 23:18

@Lllot5
He’s still married after all?? eh?
He has his own house, he’s separated.
Do you think anyone who is separated should wait until they are formally divorced? which in some cases can take years.
Here have a grip

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 23:21

That's why I'm a bit reluctant and posted about it, @sugarisbitterintheend.

I've got a great job, lovely flat and busy social life, & I certainly wouldn't be looking for anything serious for a long, long while, and his kids are his and nothing to do with me, so I don't know if it would cause me any trouble, certainly in the short term, but perhaps I'm being naive? I've got no idea why they split up so no idea if he's in the wrong, but unlike many separated men he spoke of her only positively without any criticism, or 'psycho ex' rubbish.

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ElloBrian · 30/12/2019 23:24

I would proceed but with caution and keep a weather eye out.

ChristmasSweet · 30/12/2019 23:29

You've got to accept the kids as step kids if you're interested in dating him. They won't be your full responsibility, but you will need to have a relationship with them and look after them to an extent.

I couldn't date a guy who had kids because of that. But it's your choice.

Grumblina · 30/12/2019 23:32

I was in this situation. Find out who left who. In my case she left him and therefore 3 months into our relationship, when she found out about us she clicked her fingers and used their dc as a bargaining tool and off he went back to her. (Lasted a month and he was out again)

SirChing · 30/12/2019 23:33

I'm mid divorce and seeing other people as is my ex (well, current actually) husband. The divorce is just paper. The marriage is over. I think you were just unlucky before to be honest.

Original poster

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 23:47

Surely they're only step kids once you're married or living together? I've got my own flat and I don't intend giving it up any time soon, so there's no reason for me to meet the kids, and certainly no reason to look after them?

I'll do that, @Grumblina, thank you. Sorry about your experience.

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