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Original poster

New husband's sex addiction

33 replies

Brokenflowers · 30/12/2019 14:58

I've been in a relationship 4 years, married a couple of months.

All along I knew my husband had a strong interest in everything sex related. Above and beyond the norm. He used to be an erotic photographer, had every playboy ever released, had an online collection of lingerie pictures for years, none of it particularly bothered me, except in the context of the bigger overall picture..

He cheated on his ex wife for years, seemingly because they didn't love each other and she was cheating too. I spoke to her and she confirmed this so I put it down to just that - a bad marriage, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, ignoring the very obvious red flag because everyone deserves a second chance.

Now I've found out be went to several prostitutes behind her back AND at least one that I know of behind my back. We are married since late summer. I also just found out today - after weeks of seeing a couple's counsellor - that he's on fetlife and the last activity was 9 months ago while I was planning our wedding and he was looking for a 3 some to take part in.

My counsellor says he's a sex addict in deep denial. He has seen me through many severe mental illnesses until now, including addiction, abusiveness, psychosis. I have not been easy to be with.

I could probably have overlooked the prostitute.. (wow. What a sentence to be writing..) but the other stuff... While I was planning our wedding.. and he can't even admit he has a problem be "was just angry at me because of days of crazy and abuse" at the time..

I know I'm going to get 100 comments UNDERSTANDABLY saying leave his ass.. I guess I'm hoping for some that say stay.. somehow.. some way.. just like every broken little girl ever.. I love him with all my heart. I've never had a relationship like this, where I felt whole. I'm just married. I desperately want to find some way to make this work.. am I crazy ?!

Maybe none of it was even real.. 😔

OP posts:
Menora · 30/12/2019 15:03

Wow I mean I do not know what to say

I think it does sound like this was a wishful dream rather than the reality. So he came along and saved you when you were mentally unwell and you overlooked all the red flags and married him anyway... either to not be alone, or to save him, or to be the one he changed for. So you have changed as you are well again but he’s the same person, just now you can see it?

In any circumstance I would say leave after prolific cheating but in your situation I can’t see how he is in any way good for your mental health or stability. He is going to make you unwell if you stay. Is any man ever worth your health?

Original poster
Brokenflowers · 30/12/2019 15:09

And if I leave , it will plunge me off a mental health cliff. Last break up took me years a d years of counselling to get over, lost friends, my job. And that was just a mid twenties bf, no marriage or new house.. this would be hard to deal with anytime but the timing is just ... I don't know what to do. I love him so much.

OP posts:
FestiveFavourites · 30/12/2019 15:11

You've suffered with addiction, psychosis and been abusive? And he rescued you from that life of hell, and this behaviour is his reward?

Forget the newly married bit, forget the happily ever after, look at the bigger picture. You need to be in a healthy frame of mind to be in a relationship with anyone, and it doesn't sound as if you are anywhere near that. Your husband appears to have a hidden agenda. Is he really the man you thought you married? You're not a broken little girl, you're a grown woman. Take some time apart.

Look after yourself.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 30/12/2019 15:14

What's the alternative staying with someone who pays some else to cheat. He will also cheat on you. This is some who pays vulnerable woman to have sex

Menora · 30/12/2019 15:14

See I just don’t see this the same way. He’s going to break you anyway. Surely if you take control of the break up in your own way and get support you can rebuild. Rather than get an STD or him leaving you for someone else anyway. The risk to stay is not worth the total loss of trust and peace of mind. Your worth isn’t tied to this man or any other man. You are a woman, not a child. You can’t replicate something perfect with this man.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/12/2019 15:15

Your relationship can't survive if he doesn't admit there's a problem. If he accepted he had an addiction, maybe there's a chance to get help.

Until then, he'll just keep cheating.

PicsInRed · 30/12/2019 15:17

You don't love him, you love who you hoped and wished him to be.

Can you really not see that just you considering leaving him (even just pondering the question) is a testament to your improved mental health and resilience? That you are seeing your abuser for what he is and considering getting away from him? I don't think you'll collapse without him, OP, but it's virtually assured that you will collapse with him.

FruitcakeOfHate · 30/12/2019 15:17

Stay, so you can get antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea or syphilis or both? He uses people. He's using you. He exploits them. NO ONE is going to tell you to stay with a psycho like this.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 15:18

Mate, he is going to do your head in if you stay.

Menora · 30/12/2019 15:18

The part where you say he is blaming your illness on why he paid a vulnerable woman for sex is absolutely grotesque, twisted and cruel

This man does not care for you or love you. He sees women as objects and felt you were ‘faulty’ therefore got his pleasure elsewhere

Menora · 30/12/2019 15:23

Because I don’t think you will leave him this is my advice:

Go and get a full STD check ASAP
Do not have any sex with him at all without a condom
Continue counselling on your own without him. You need to stay well
Ensure you have access to money and a support network in case you do ever want to or need to leave

This is quite sad

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/12/2019 15:24

It seems to me your using this notion of it being an addiction to abdicate him of all responsibility for his actions. What a crock of absolute shit!
If he was simply addicted to sex then he could get his fix from you, couldn't he? He's not addicted to sex. He's just an amoral scumbag with no respect whatsoever for women, including yourself.

Namethecat · 30/12/2019 15:29

You say you love him enough not to want to ltb . So don't . You came in here mainly to get that out of your system , and you have . Be aware however , if you always do what you've always done , your always get what you've always got .
Meaning he will carry on, and you will have to accept his behaviour.

Starbucksbasic123 · 30/12/2019 15:31

It doesn’t have to result in your mental health jumping off a cliff....you’ve listed valid points, you’re unhappy with his behaviour and your logic of marriage doesn’t fit his. Look after yourself, do not allow yourself to nose dive, seek your version of happy for you xx

DonPablo · 30/12/2019 15:33

If sex with prostitutes isn't your line in sand what do you think will be?

I'd second the advice of a proper std check and regularly. And do not have unprotected sex with this man.

whereishappyat · 30/12/2019 15:34

From what you have said about him being in denial about having a problem, there is very little hope your marriage is going to pan out the way you want. He is going to hurt you, maybe over and over again until your mental health is so poor that you may not ever fully recover. I wish for your sake you could stay with him but the glaringly obvious truth is, you can't and I'm sorry.

CupoTeap · 30/12/2019 15:37

Ring to scared to leave is not a reason to stay. Can your mental health take staying?

fluffyjumper · 30/12/2019 16:07

Go on to five on demand catch up and find a documentary called me and my affair. Theres a young guy on there that discusses his sex addiction. Could be insightful to you.

sonjadog · 30/12/2019 16:13

Ok, if you want to make this work and want someone to say it, I will say this. You can stay if you have zero expectations of fidelity from him. If you can live your life knowing that he will cheat constantly. You yourself cannot have sex with him without the uncertainty of whether or not he will give you a STD, so you probably shouldn´t. If you want to stay for him just for the house and security then sure, you can do that, but only if you want a relationship based on just that. Some people do.

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2019 16:15

You’ve been in deep denial for some time too, This is who he is, who he has always been and the price of staying is the soul destroying reality of living with someone who is a sexually incontinent liar. Not a relationship I’d recommend to anyone, especially to someone with poor MH.

Katrinawaves · 30/12/2019 16:28

So sorry you are experiencing this OP. I recently discovered my husbands multiple infidelities including with prostitutes and he too claims to be sex addicted so I understand what a mindfuck this is.

There are some good books out there. I found Paula Hall’s book about sex addiction from partners perspective very good. Also one by Robert Weiss called out of the Doghouse. It seems to be the lies and secrecy which is the big driver at least for my husband and what I find hardest to come to terms with.

I can’t tell you what to do - I don’t know what to do myself. I have a long marriage and dependent kids and my cheating husband has been my only serious relationship so I’m feeling bereft and confused at the moment. The only thing which is helping me (a bit) is building a team around me to support me through the tough times. Mine consists of a paid therapist, psychiatrist and two close friends. So not cheap sadly and not available as far as I know via NHS. You could look to see if there are any partners groups for SAA or SLA or COSA near you or an online meeting you could dial in to. Talking to people who understand the issues is comforting because if it is sex addiction it isn’t common or garden cheating but a whole different level of pain and betrayal to come to terms with - whether you leave or stay.

Much love to you xx

AngelsSins · 30/12/2019 16:42

You have to get you’re head out of the clouds here, this isn’t a fairytale so there is no magical potion to cure him. If you stay you have to accept that he will cheat, he will pay vulnerable women for use of their bodies, he will spend family money on this. You will not be able to have unprotected sex with him safely, if you want children this could be a big problem. You will be risking your health physically and it won’t be good for you mentally. After all of this, he may still leave you for someone younger or more vulnerable anyway.

Leaving would be hard of course, but to sign up to years of torture will be harder.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, he’s an absolute arsehole and responsible for the breakdown of this relationship. I suspect he picked you because he thought you were vulnerable enough to put up with this shit.

AngelsSins · 30/12/2019 16:43

*your not you’re ! Bloody autocorrect!!

CanIHaveADrink · 30/12/2019 16:59

Carry on with the counselling. And add some counselling on your own.

I get that you are worried about splitting up and the effect this will have in your MH. But the reality is that KNOWING he is a sex addict will also have a major impact on your MH. How are you going to trust him now for example??

So I would say, start by looking after yourself. Get some counselling, build up your self esteem. I am sure that the obvious answer will come to you amd you will feel strong enough to deal with it.

lovemenorca · 30/12/2019 17:04

* He has seen me through many severe mental illnesses until now, including addiction, abusiveness, psychosis. I have not been easy to be with.*

This is significant.

He’s behaved appallingly. But he never hid his sex obsession, and you knew he’d cheated before you married.

If he really has stood by and supported you during very serious mental health problems, and otherwise he’s a good loving man - I would not rush to end it myself

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