New husband's sex addiction

[Brokenflowers]

I've been in a relationship 4 years, married a couple of months.

All along I knew my husband had a strong interest in everything sex related. Above and beyond the norm. He used to be an erotic photographer, had every playboy ever released, had an online collection of lingerie pictures for years, none of it particularly bothered me, except in the context of the bigger overall picture..

He cheated on his ex wife for years, seemingly because they didn't love each other and she was cheating too. I spoke to her and she confirmed this so I put it down to just that - a bad marriage, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, ignoring the very obvious red flag because everyone deserves a second chance.

Now I've found out be went to several prostitutes behind her back AND at least one that I know of behind my back. We are married since late summer. I also just found out today - after weeks of seeing a couple's counsellor - that he's on fetlife and the last activity was 9 months ago while I was planning our wedding and he was looking for a 3 some to take part in.

My counsellor says he's a sex addict in deep denial. He has seen me through many severe mental illnesses until now, including addiction, abusiveness, psychosis. I have not been easy to be with.

I could probably have overlooked the prostitute.. (wow. What a sentence to be writing..) but the other stuff... While I was planning our wedding.. and he can't even admit he has a problem be "was just angry at me because of days of crazy and abuse" at the time..

I know I'm going to get 100 comments UNDERSTANDABLY saying leave his ass.. I guess I'm hoping for some that say stay.. somehow.. some way.. just like every broken little girl ever.. I love him with all my heart. I've never had a relationship like this, where I felt whole. I'm just married. I desperately want to find some way to make this work.. am I crazy ?!

Maybe none of it was even real.. 😔

And when you say he has stood by you during your “abusiveness” what do you mean by that?

I don't think he stick by you through your mh issues out of love, but out of convenience for himself. You were vulnerable and easy to manipulative. He could play the saviour knight and make you mentally dependent on him, while all the time behaving in ways that he KNEW would seriously fuck up your mental health again. That's not love, that's targeting a vulnerable woman to such an extent that she is now willing to put up with multiple infidelities and unsafe sexual practices that are a danger to her health for fear that her mh will suffer if she doesn't stay.

He knew when he meet you, dated you and married you that he had unacceptable sexual behaviour that would fuck with your head (it would fuck with anyone's, but he KNEW it would be particularly bad for you with your mh history). Instead of thinking "I really like this woman, I don't want to fuck her up so I'll leave her alone", he went full steam ahead with the relationship and continued his behaviour.

OP, you need to put support, other than him, in place because while leaving MAY be detrimental to your mh, staying WILL be.

My ex was similar. I left him after he gave me five STDs and was having three monthly HIV tests to see if he had given me HIV. I discovered he was seeing prostitutes when he asked me what the bumps on his arse were, they were, of course, genital warts. (He gave me two types of HPV including the one that gives you cervical cancer).

He continued to lie and tell me that he got the genital warts from a towel in a hotel. Obviously thought I was born yesterday. His sex addiction was so bad that he wouldn't even walk the dog, he would use the opportunity of me being out of the house to have a wank. We were having sex every night anyway but it obviously wasn't enough.

I would wake up in the night and he'd be wanking over porn. When he eventually admitted to it, I'd obviously stopped sleeping with him as soon as I found out, I found out that he'd been seeing prostitutes from a young age. I later discovered, as I knew nothing about sex addiction or how many types of HPV there were or anything else, that it's like alcoholism or drug addiction and he's doing it as a form of self medication.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is, he is not going to change. You need to be prepared to live with his sex addiction and have an open relationship. Have regular STD tests and remember that even if he's using condoms, they are still transmittable via oral sex and via the skin. Condoms do not fully prevent STD transmission.

I was very, very lucky in that he didn't give me HIV and I no longer have STDs. Some were cleared up with antibiotics and the body can get rid off HPV by itself if you're lucky. I had yearly STD tests at my local GUM for about five years afterwards, as I was so paranoid they were incubating.

Everything Thingsdogetbetter is spot on!!

He's nasty, manipulative and has likely deliberately preyed on you because you're vulnerable. As hard as it will be to walk away and rebuild yourself, it will be a lot easier than being emotionally battered continuously for years by this man.

He isn't ever going to change and you will never ever trust him. If you can cope with staying and knowing he will be using prostitutes, going in sex websites to find partners and generally cheating then I suppose it will work.

But I dint know any woman that would put up with it

OP the truth is you need to either accept he is never going to be faithful or leave.

The situation would be that you stay. Go in cycles of mental health crisis, while he shags about and being grateful he has stuck by you. Its toxic. But then when he is bored of seeing you through crisis. He will leave anyway.

You need time and a lot of professional support if you cant end an unhealthy, miserable relationship without 'going off the deep end'. Break ups are hard. But we recover. It seems you stayed and married him, so you didnt have to experience a break up

I am going to buck the trend and say it can work.

It won't be healthy, it won't be easy and it probably won't be good for you or your mental health and it probably won't be good for him either, but yes, you can both prop up each other's addictions and brokenness. I mean this genuinely, it can work for you both.

It often seems much easier to deal with the devil you know, doesn't it, OP? It is all shit, but it is your shit and that can be a comfort. You can feel that you love him despite all the shit because it feels sort of safe and you know where you are and you also know that you both need each other. And the real crux of it is that you deep down feel you are utterly worthless and he is the only one who will actually put up with that and accept you for who you fear you really are... I note he reinforces this by telling you that he does what he does because of the way you are. That bonds you to him in an intimate way, and that feels like love. It also feels like miserable shit though, doesn't it?

The only question that sits like an elephant in the room is - do you actually want this for the rest of your life?

OP, where do you see yourself in five years time? You are having counselling - are you having it because you want to stay this person? Don't you want to feel good about yourself for a change?

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like the man you you married only exists in your dreams. You were aware of all the red flags before the wedding but chose to ignore them because you believed that marriage would be the answer to all your problems. I don't know how to help you but I am glad you have a therapist. Keep talking and I hope you find a way to resolve this.