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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

31 replies

Astonsmum1 · 30/12/2019 13:48

I’m feeling so lost and mixed up today. I was with my boyfriend for just over two years, first 6 months great and after that it’s been such a rocky road. Good times and bad times and if I’m honest probably more bad. He’s been very manipulative and verbally abusive towards me and recently he has needed a lot of support for a personal situation and I’ve been there for him 100%, I would have done anything for him. To cut a long story short he was drinking yesterday watching the football and his language was getting a bit unacceptable so I reminded him
This is my house and I’d appreciate you not speaking like that in my house, he took the total huff so I left him downstairs watching darts and I went back up stairs to watch Netflix. He then came up asking for a set of darts which he didn’t need right then and there so was just being petty in my eyes. I then came downstairs and just asked him why he was being such a prat which then just resulted in arguments and I said if you’re not happy just take your stuff and go, he refused as he had been drinking so I said I don’t care go get someone to come get you but you won’t speak to me like that in my own house. So he phoned his mum she was coming to get him he then asked for all his stuff to be sorted so I started getting it sorted and then went upstairs to get the rest. That’s when things got ugly and he was all in my personal space intimidating me, tapping my cheeks with his hands in a patronising manner, idle threats saying he is going to expose me for what I am, he grabbed my stomach and shook it and called me fatty, he then came in my space again nose to nose so I pulled head away and he came right in my face and licked me down one side of my face, he eventually left after threatening to get my family assaulted and made an imitation of my disabled brother infront of me. I was absolutely trembling and crying my eyes out when he left and ended up phoning the police. So currently they are looking for him, they don’t think anything will come of it cause there are no witnesses and it’s my word against his but lastnight I was ok and today I have taken an almighty plummet. I can’t pick myself off the couch, I’m miserable, I miss him, I am scared that he hates me, I’m scared that I will never see him again, and I am devastated that he hasn’t been in contact. I can’t help but feel I’ve done the wrong thing and maybe I’ve overreacted cause he isn’t 100% bad, I just feel so pathetic and lost and just want to hide away from the world. Sorry I know I must sound like a right pathetic loser, I just love him and am struggling at the thought of never seeing him again and him hating me.

OP posts:

ArkAtEee · 30/12/2019 13:54

You have absolutely done the right thing, he may not be 100% bad but he is definitely abusive. That must have taken a lot of strength from you. Seek support from all the people you have in real life, if you tell them what you have written here they will most certainly agree with me. I can't work out what is most abhorrent - the in your face business, touching your face, the threats or the imitation of your brother. He sounds awful.

It's totally normal to feel down after freeing yourself like this, you are a strong person and can get through it. Best wishes.

StealthPussy · 30/12/2019 13:58

You have done the right thing. He is an abuser. Clear as day. You were right to chuck him out.
The feelings you are having now are normal but you must stay strong and not contact him and not let him back in. He will not change. He will only get worse. Now is the time to get informed about abusive men and what you’ve been through.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do the freedom programme. You can do it online or at a group. Also read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.

You are on the right track and your life will get better. Don’t have him back. You are worth much more. You only have one life. Don’t spend it with him being abused.

handsinthebucket · 30/12/2019 14:01

I completely agree with @ArkAtEee. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them! Congratulations for sticking to your guns in such a difficult situation.

Original poster

Astonsmum1 · 30/12/2019 14:04

Thankyou. At the time it absolutely felt like the right thing to do, I didn’t think it was too much to ask of him not being rude to me and not being a bigot in my house. I’m just struggling with my emotions today because I feel guilty and am doubting myself which I have done since I basically met him. I just feel sick to my stomach that it got to this stage. I know he would never apologise for his actions either, the whole blame will totally be put on me. If one of my friends told me this I’d be furious and I’d be like cmon give yourself a shake, I just can’t seem to take my own advice and can’t shake off these feelings. That is how I am feeling today, I hope I feel different tommorrow.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2019 14:09

If he has a key, change the locks. If you allow him back it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

StealthPussy · 30/12/2019 14:11

The guilt and self doubt are seeds planted by him. It’s all about manipulating you and making you feel bad. He gets off on it. There will be loads of behaviour which you will come to realise is abusive which you had brushed aside.

ponies4life · 30/12/2019 14:19

I agree with Aqua, it would be a huge mistake to allow him back. His behaviour is abhorrent and he has clearly chipped away at your self esteem for you doubt yourself over this. It is not normal or healthy behaviour and no one deserves to be on the receiving end of it

Justaordinarybloke · 30/12/2019 14:50

Take him back and it won't be long until he is physically abusing you, he's a coward and clearly shown he's capable of it. For your own safety keep him out of your life.

Original poster

Astonsmum1 · 30/12/2019 15:21

He just seems to get off on belittling me in front of people, I had a small cut on my cheek from my cat and he said how did you get that? Was it from shaving. Also told me lastweek he cringes every time he is with me intimately. I genuinely thought lastnight I was for it, I thought when he was nose to nose with me that he’s really going to lose it here with me. I’ve got an appointment with the doctor tommorrow so might be worth going through counselling again, try and get to the bottom why I’ve accepted all this kind of behaviour for so long. I have two kids to a previous marriage and he’s great with them but you never know, maybe that’s all a front too.

OP posts:

StealthPussy · 30/12/2019 15:27

He’s not great with them because he has been abusing their mother. That damages them long term. They will be likely to end up in abusive relationships themselves.

ponies4life · 30/12/2019 16:55

Counselling sounds like a good idea although you are most definitely not the first woman to be taken in by a manipulative and abusive man. Keep him away for the sake of your children if you feel your resolve breaking HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Be easy on yourself, you have come through a terrible experience and used great strength to get this far. Your feelings are perfectly normal and you will get through this

ALifeMoreCurious · 30/12/2019 17:06

Well done for taking care of yourself and your children OP. Having witnessed this kind of behaviour as a kid I can honestly say my mum should have got out much sooner. It escalated. They often do when you invite abusers back in. I’m glad you’re going to counselling and getting the support you deserve x

ALifeMoreCurious · 30/12/2019 17:08

*it often does when you invite abusers back in.

Sorry my grasp of English language seems to be shocking between Christmas and NY.

Sh0na · 30/12/2019 17:11

He sounds AWFUL.

Well done for drawing a line and saying no, in my own house I will be treated with respect.

Be grateful that he revealed his true colours to you so blatantly. It's hard now, it's the shock, the ''withdrawal'' but when you are looking back on this and the decision you made you will have the advantage of knowing for certain that he was a verbally, emotionally and physically aggressive and abusive arsehole.

Well done. x

Sh0na · 30/12/2019 17:13

PS I agree, change the locks.

And as for him not being 100% bad? Well, if there's good in there, he hides it well, and so what anyway? You're not obliged to overlook the 95% bad and just see the 5% good that is apparent when everything is going his way!

He seems like he's ALL BAD when he doesn't get his way.

Emmelina · 30/12/2019 17:14

You’ve done the right thing, he’s an aggressive and abusive a-hole. Now is the time to be strong - put the chain on, arrange a locksmith. I don’t know if the police might know somebody to do this for you.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 30/12/2019 17:16

Well done for standing up to his abuse.

Keep strong, do not let him back in.

Have you concidered doing the freedom programme?

It is good that you are looking to have counselling,

Original poster

Astonsmum1 · 30/12/2019 17:29

I will look in to the freedom programme, anything to help push me forward. I feel like the shittiest mother ever today, I’ve just day on the couch and not done a single thing with my kids, I just want to curl up on the couch and cry and cry

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 30/12/2019 17:34

Never ever take him back. This time it's just verbal abuse, next time it will be violence, he is seeing how far he can push you.It always starts the same way.

ponies4life · 30/12/2019 17:52

That is understandable so don't be too hard on yourself. It is an awful situation.

ArkAtEee · 30/12/2019 20:26

You've had a shock, don't be cruel to yourself.

Gizmo79 · 30/12/2019 20:32

Well done. You have made the most important step for you and your children that you will ever make. Keep being strong.

selfcare11 · 30/12/2019 21:26

Listen to the other posters and keep coming back on here for more support whenever you need it xx

rvby · 30/12/2019 21:38

@Astonsmum1 my heart goes out to you. You've been extremely brave.

Those confusing feelings of being devastated hes not been in touch, while.struggling with memories of violence vs. times he was nice... I just want you to know, this is very normal.

Not so long ago, people (especially women) who went it alone ended up dying from exposure/eaten by a bear/ etc. Your brain is hard wired to keep you with "your people", including partners, even abusive partners. Because just a few thousand years ago, it was safer to be with an abusive partner than it was to be alone.

Your brain/body doesn't know it's not the stone age anymore. Its terrified that you're completely alone in the wilderness, rather than understanding the reality that you're in civilization, warm house, food in fridge etc and that you dont need to keep this guy around in order to be safe. So, you're feeling shaky and uncertain. It's completely natural.

Give your brain and body time to calm down and realise you're safe. Bath, tea/hot drink, funny films, chocolate - rinse and repeat. Slowly, the thoughts and feelings will change.

You're going to be ok, as long as you have compassion and patience for yourself. Xx

Original poster

Astonsmum1 · 30/12/2019 21:54

Thankyou. I will keep coming back here and keep reading these threads. I got a call from the police tonight and he handed himself in for interview but it’s my word against his so nothing they can do. He said he was disappointed with yesterday and won’t get in touch with me for a few days till things settle down. It’s given me false hope when I’m feeling vulnerable so I just need to keep coming back here to be reminded of actually it’s not ok to be treated like that.

OP posts:

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