How to talk to dh about drink & respect

[TheDuckSaysMoo]

Married over 10 years with a couple of kids and I'm really struggling with how my dh talks to me and his drinking. It has come to a head many times over the years but I've always shied away from tackling it as I hate confrontation and he's useless at receiving any criticism (he immediately catastrophises and blames me for things he has been sitting on too, which could be perfectly valid). It leads to a massive blow out with tears and no real talking or therefore resolution and is then dropped by both of us by the next day.

Anyway, I've written the note below and wanted views. Does it make sense? Should I just send it, read it to him, neither? FWIW he does pull his weight but makes me feel guilty if I'm not constantly busy. We both work full time. He drinks about 5 bottles of wine a week. His father was a violent alcoholic. His mother and one sibling are alcoholics. Am I being ott with the alcoholic label?

"You criticize me constantly. Nothing I do is good enough. I feel guilty if I sit down for 10 minutes at the weekend - even if that is to eat lunch. I spend all my time at home during they day cooking, cleaning, laundry, doing the majority of our family admin or playing with dc. Then you come home and tell me I'm lazy. I cant live that way anymore - constant judgement.

I'm exhausted by night. But then I cant sleep. I'm awake from 2 - 4 or 3-5 most nights, sometimes longer. Sometimes it's just menopause but most nights I'm woken with you breathing alcohol on me then I lie there worried about your drinking and how it affects your health, and the mental health of me and the kids. Will they be alcoholics? The family curse? Dc1 notices and asks me about it. He tells me he hates it. I assume he sees you drinking on a friday and Saturday night. Dc2 won't be far behind in noticing.

The mood swings (are they a side effect?) are very hard for all three of us to deal with. The anger and sulking - both dc ask about this and I really struggle with what to say and how to protect them. Is it a learned behaviour from your childhood? You tell me I spend too much time on the phone yet you spend all your time glued to the mac or your phone. What am I supposed to do?

I'm not perfect by any means and I am aware the above is my one sided view of the world but it's my reality. I'm willing to hear yours and see how we can move forward but I cant keep going on like this. The last 3 days have been unbearable torture - constant micro aggressions - and I have done nothing to deserve this treatment.
"

He's having about 50 units a week ... I know people who would drink that amount over a night or two, let alone a week

Then you know people who have a problem with alcohol. They may be still functioning, working, etc, but they still have a major drink problem.

An alcoholic isn't just someone who drinks in the morning and can't hold down a job. That's a comforting stereotype, but it isn't true.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine Lots of people are fat and don't exercise - It doesn't make them abusive cunts.

The OP needs to separate the alcohol consumption from him being a cunt.

Clearer now?

The OP is failing to see that he's being a cunt. It's easier for her to find something else (not him) to blame. So she blames the alcohol.

I'm not an idiot. I never suggested the WHO suggested we should all be drinking to their guidelines daily lol

A man is RECOMMENDED to have 3-4 units a day

Did you mean "no more than 3-4 units a day", then?

The alcohol wouldn't get him drunk, he wouldn't be suffering withdrawals, the alcohol has nothing to do with him coming home and calling her lazy! That's just abusive on his part - likewise her not feeling like she can sit down. Likewise she is abusive - accusing him of passing on bad genes - I'd walk at that accusation.
This shit can't go on..

The OP needs to separate the alcohol consumption from him being a cunt.

I would imagine the one has quite a lot to do with the other. The link between alcohol and domestic abuse has been well-researched and well-documented. But you carry on trying to pretend there's no link between the two if it makes you feel better about your own life in some way.

Recommended guideline daily amounts.

I know I'm recommended to do a whole lot of shit I don't do.

He's not exceeding the recommended amounts by much.

Y'all eat 5 a day? 2 litres of water? 20 minutes exercise MINIMUM daily (not to be mistaken for the RECOMMENDED MAXIMUM)?

Unless you're hard of thinking, it's quite clear what I was stating.

No, it really wasn't due to your inability to construct a sentence correctly. Don't try to pretend that your inarticulacy is a failing on my part. If you can't communicate ideas clearly, that's on you.

I sort of read your sentence as meaning their marital difficulties were not due to my inability to construct a sentence properly.

Funny how you can mistake things when you want to...

But not having 5 fruit and veg a day, or drinking less than 2L of water doesn't affect your behaviour. We all know alcohol does affect behaviour. It is also a dependency which is bad for mental health and sets a bad example for children - nobody is addicted to drinking less than 2L of water.

OP I would just leave this man. He sounds aggressive and he doesnt make you happy. He is setting a bad example for your children and affecting their mental health as well as how they view relationships. Do you really think the note will change anything?

If I don't get my five square of chocolate a day, it's arguable that my mental health is affected, I'm dependent and it sets a bad example for children.

Maybe you should cut down your chocolate habit if it is affecting your behaviour and mental health.

50 units a week is a lot, especially if he has no days when he does not drink. It's likely to affect his behaviour, especially in terms of lowering his inhibitions. You can't separate the alcohol use from his behaviour here.

I don't think writing him a letter is going to do much good though. You need intervention from a professional who can unpick what's going on and get to the bottom of why he thinks it's OK to criticise you and call you lazy. However, he doesn't sound terribly worth the effort.

AA don’t define alcoholism by how much your drink, what you drink, when you drink, where you drink, how you drink.

They define it by if the drinking is having a negative impact on the close relationships of the drinker. In this case the DH fits that criteria. You don’t have to use the word alcoholic if it makes you or your DH feel uncomfortable or defensive - “problematic drinking” will do.

Sounds like the DH is binge drinking on Fri and Sat night. There is no doubt that consuming 50 units of alcohol over roughly 30 hours (?) long term is mentally and physically damaging for him and mentally damaging for the OP and her DCs both directly and indirectly.

If he is drinking in the evenings younger children may not be exposed to the drunk part of they are in bed but they will be exposed to the hungover part - so Sats and Suns when he is tired, moody, snappy, asleep, disengaged, unable to focus and attune to his DCs needs - he is at best emotionally absent / emotionally neglectful and at worst emotionally abusive.

They sense, feel, absorb and internalise all of this - scared to trigger anger, disappointed being dismissed and ignored. So they skulk away in emotional pain. Then add to this their DM totally drained and preoccupied with the drinker, stressed trying to second guess his mood, deal with his abusive behaviour and cope alone - their DM can’t be emotionally present for them either.

This is how your DH suffered in his childhood and he is repeating the pattern here.

The only one who can stop drinking is him.
The only one who can change the dynamic, protect the children is you.

Your children will already have been deeply emotionally injured to date - how much more of wounding has to be inflicted? They will have deep anxieties that they are unable to articulate and this will come through is behavioural issues, MH issues and relationship issues.

I am sure that you have begged and pleaded for years.

He does not hear you. You and your DCs are not his priority - alcohol is.

Forget the words. Take action. Change the dynamic to make your DCs emotional health the priority. Get support from Al anon.

Sounds like alcohol is being used as his excuse to abuse you and the children.

Forcing your children to live like this - while you minimise and excuse it ( "daddy doesn't mean it", "daddy doesn't know what he's doing", "daddy loves you really, he just doesn't know how to show it", "daddy shouts because he's worried about you") - will damage their futures.

Rescue your children, not the adult man who doesn't even want to be rescued.

OP please ignore what vafanculo is saying about alcohol. 50 units a week is too much. But even if it wasn't that much, alcohol problems are about more than just quantity. His drinking is having an adverse effect on family life, therefore it is a problem.
I think your note sounds fine.

The only note I would leave is:

Your alcohol abuse is affecting all our lives. i would like a trial separation. Please arrange to move out as soon as possible.'

He's just going to screw up that note, throw it away and never mention it again, ducks. Honestly. I tried writing my XH a note to say what I needed to say to him, about his abuse of me (he called me 'lazy too, from his place on the sofa while I was putting our five children to bed). He ignored it. It was inconvenient for him to face the truth, so he just didn't.

So I divorced him. You need to start planning for this eventuality.

I can't believe someone is trying to pass off five bottles of wine a week as fine and normal what a joke!

OP, read your note. It doesn't sound to me like he's going to change based on a note, it sounds like he doesn't care. He's treating you like shit whether it's the drinks fault or not.

The note will only be met with aggression and all that will happen is he will write or say back all the things he thinks you are doing wrong.

My ex was like this, I could say to him 'dxh, can you please put your shoes away, I trip over them every morning' rather than him say 'yeah no problem' he'd reply with 'well you didn't do the washing up last night' it was exhausting and meant we never resolved anything.

I think what I'd do differently (I divorced him in the end - no bad thing I assure you), would be to book a counciling session and say or write something along the lines of 'I'm worried about our lack of communication, we both need to make changes to make the relationship work, so I've booked us marriage guidance counciling on the X date at X time. I'd really appreciate it if you would attend with me'

If he refuses, use the session for yourself and plan your exit as he'll never get any better if he's not willing to see a problem with his behaviour or make any changes

Writing a note like this is passive aggressive and not likely to end well. It will do nothing to "open up a conversation" because it is literally the opposite of having a conversation - it is a one sided opportunity for you to say what you want to say. Having conversations about difficult issues like this isn't easy or fun, but if you want to actually address it then that's what you need to do. You can say beforehand that you need to talk constructively and that if the conversation gets too heated or off topic, you will suggest putting it on pause and resuming once everyone has calmed down. Then do it.

When telling your husband about the issues focus on how you feel. If you say 'you do this and it's bad' he can argue. If you say 'when this happens I feel xyz' he can't argue because the only person who knows how you feel is you. Try to plan out the conversation beforehand (you probably know or can guess the kind of excuses he is likely to raise) so you feel you're prepared. But the only way to resolve this is by talking about it, probably on multiple occasions, probably over a long period of time, possibly with the help of a professional therapist. Writing a note will not sort this out.