I think my marriage is over.

[BunnyandBee]

Dh just sat down after putting our dc to bed and said he has feelings for someone else, he loves me but hasn't been in love with me for a couple of years.
We have both been under a lot of stress recently, I am off work with stress and he has just started a new course with work and has been spending a lot of time with his female colleague (who he has feelings for).
He told me he kiss her and she has feelings for him too.
Our dc are 5 and 3.
I have probably been in and out of pnd since the birth of our youngest who still doesn't sleep well.
I am bereft and don't know what to do. I am terrified but part of me just wants it over with. I am terrified for the girls and how they will cope.
He doesn't seem to think he wants to work on it.
I admit neither of us have put in enough effort over the last year.
Any words of wisdom? Or good stories about children coping? I have no desire to make his life difficult for the children's sake. I want them to have as happy a childhood as possible moving forward.

Hold tight to your self respect. Do not do the pick me dance. See a solicitor while he is still being Mr Nice Guy.
Maintain dignity.
Make it clear once he leaves that's it.
And mean it.

The only thing I can say is that you will find the strength in you to go through this and ensure your kids are ok.

It is unfortunate that this is happening, but the age of your kids will actually work on their favour, they will find it easier to adapt to the new situation than older kids do.

It is said that it is not divorce that damages children but all the nastiness and arguments that may come before it so, it is understandable you want things to be resolved more quickly. It is the uncertainty that is unsettling, once you know how the things will change you will feel more in control. Same with the kids, do not let them know their dad is leaving until you know when and where exactly contact will take place.

As for you, this is the time when you need to accept ANY support that comes in your direction. Don’t suffer this alone, those people that approach you to try to help may well become part of the so much needed network of support you need to your side.

In terms of practical things... check entitledto.org.uk if you qualify for universal credit. If so, apply for it as soon as possible, you don’t need to wait until he moves out, as long as you are not acting like his wife, ie cooking and doing his laundry, it is ok.

Hang in there

@BunnyandBee. So sorry to read this. There are a lot of us in this position. Please don’t be kind to him, he does not deserve it, and your tiny children were entitled to expect more from him. Have a look at some of the other threads on here. See a solicitor, interview a few using 30 minutes free. Look at www.resolution.org.uk. Be strong.

Thanks for your replies and links. I have spoken to a friend who was great. I have a very limited circle of support in real life though and have no plans to tell my family until things are definite as it will probably make life more complex.
I have told him he needs to think very carefully about what he is potentially throwing away. If he is just having a mid-life crisis and is finding the attention exciting I can understand that. I could work with that.
I have told him in no uncertain terms that he can't continue to explore his feelings with the OW as a means to figuring out whether he really wants to stay with me.
Deep down I think he has checked out. He went out for a run just now and I asked him when he came back if he had spoken to her and he said he had.
I am just in shock I think. I know waking up tomorrow will bring more questions and emotions. Will check out the other threads on this topic when I am feeling a bit less raw.

So sorry for you
It’s very hard to process when someone you have given everything to and brought children into the world shows you that they can treat you this way

My advice would be to take each day as it comes but don’t fall for any crocodile tears and also to get some advice about house, entitlements etc

Sending a hug
I can feel from your posts how heartbroken you are and I know how painful it is

So sorry - i’ve been there and it was hard and very painful. Exh left for OW. He kept saying he wanted to work it out with me, but wanted me to say yes before he dumped OW so needless to say it never happened. He and OW didnt last long. It was easier for me as we didnt have children.

Get support from family and friends and be kind to yourself. You will get through it.

I feel so fucking sad and angry today. All he keeps saying is if he was happy with us it wouldn't have come to this, but he really wants to see where things go with her. He is talking to me like a fucking mate not his wife that he is cheating on.
He said he had to do what is right (by telling me) but all I can see is that he has done what he can to absolve his own guilt and give himself the green light.
He has told his parents. I am a real future worrier and I am desperately worried that his parents will blame me. I want a good relationship with them, they have been nothing but lovely to me since we met.
I want to tell my mum but I am scared they will fly off the handle and I need things to feel calm.
I just feel so sad and have already started to blame myself. We had a difficult second pregnancy and I have not been myself since then (more anxious and low) so I can't have been much fun to be around. He says it is nothing I have done. How do I put on a brave face for my children?

What a selfish dick he is. So sorry he is doing this to you.

”he really wants to see where things go with her” so throwing away his family’s future on a ‘see how things got. So sorry OP.
Don’t blame yourself. There’s only one person to blame and that’s the H who said the vows. And who now thinks the grass is greener.

Have you asked him to leave?

So sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a stupid love sick teenager!

See a solicitor, grab the important documents and paperwork and tell him to leave.

Are you married, do you rent of is it a mortgage, joint etc ?

Married, joint mortgage. Couldn't afford the mortgage and upkeep on our property by myself. Rent is too high around here. Hoping with savings and equity from eventual house sale I can buy a small house.
I manage all the joint finances (he has no clue how to log in etc.) and we have separate savings (roughly equal I am led to believe).
Ow has apparently told her dh too, but they have no immediate plans
I just feel I am on the back foot here. He doesn't even seem excessively sad, although isn't being callous either. I suppose he has already processed this.
I will call some solicitors tomorrow for advice.

I hate men like this. Sounds like you have had a tough time since having your last DC. He has used this as an excuse to get his head turned and now suggesting 'your' not happy and somehow he is doing you a favour. If it was me I would agree and leave him with the DC and find yourself a place to live. See how he gets on moving on with his new woman with two young DC in tow.... men who think they can walk off and leave everything behind.... twats

I really think it is a mid life crisis hormonal thing that has driven this in part. I just can't comprehend he how he doesn't seem to want to try to save things.

He’s checked out hasn’t he? It sounds like they’ve been planning this , which must make it harder for you.
What do you want to do Op? Do you still want him in the house with you? Or do you need him to leave so you can think?
Do you have someone who can come round and keep you company?

You should take control of this situation OP and ask him to leave. Having him hanging around being all matey is going to do you no good imo.

Also wanted to add, this is not your fault! Many women have difficult pregnancies and PND and their husbands manage to remain faithful....

So sorry you are going through this, I am a year on from you in exactly the same scenario, my ex also told me he was in love with someone else. Those early weeks and months were so very difficult to negotiate but I can assure you it does get better. Try to look after yourself and be kind to yourself, try not to torture yourself with what he is doing and who with, you will drive yourself mad. I know it seems drastic but do seek the advice of a solicitor sooner rather than later, I’m only just doing that and I wish I had done it sooner. You will find the strength to get through this

I just don't feel strong enough to deal with the aftermath of him going and how that will impact the children. The 5 year old is very sensitive and I don't know how she will take it.
I figured if he is about morning and night and we have our usual roles then I can build some more resilience to be able to support the children.

if he was happy with us it wouldn't have come to this
He's a selfish prick.

He said he had to do what is right (by telling me) but all I can see is that he has done what he can to absolve his own guilt and give himself the green light.
You are spot on there.

his parents will blame me. I want a good relationship with them, they have been nothing but lovely to me since we met.
They might but not necessarily.

I want to tell my mum but I am scared they will fly off the handle and I need things to feel calm.
Could someone be with you when you tell your mum?

already started to blame myself.
You really shouldn't. This is not your fault. It's his.

Get legal advice. Rally round your support network. Keep things amicable with your H and ILs. The kids will be all right.
Do not do the pick-me dance. If you do, he will probably choose you, keep seeing OW and prolong the agony, and give him the go ahead to treat you like shit.

Good luck.
Sorry but some men really are bastards.

There was another thread recently where a DH did the same thing. He had been planning to leave his wife for months and when he told her he expected her to be happy as 'they' hadn't been happy for a while so he said. He couldn't understand why she was so upset and devastated and suggested to her that she would find true happiness too so it was all fantastic. He in truth had moved on many months before and had re written history to justify his affair. Sounds like your DH is doing the same , would love to know how he sold it to his own parents. However I have no doubt it would be the ' we haven't been happy for a while' line...... you will find your inner rage but I would suggest you tell your mum. If you don't want him to move out immediately then you need to set some boundaries however be prepared to get angry when he openly tells you he is speaking to the OW and meeting her as he has the 'green' light now and you know now. Dreadful situation

What's happened is that he's had however many months to come to terms with your marriage ending which is why he's not bothered. He's got his new woman and that's clearly where his priorities are. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry he's such an arsehole.

You need to take control now and DO NOT make things easy for him. He's probably loving his nice easy ride at the moment isn't he? Having his lovely family life at home still whilst fucking off out for his bit on the side! I'm fuming for you! Ask him to move out, even if only temporarily. Seek legal advice on your next steps

I am so angry for you.

What a twat dickface.

How dare he! Many people in marriages can develop feelings for others but they don't act on them and they can pass, instead people go to relate and connect more with the partner and try to work on the problems in their relationship. He didn't even give you, your kids, your family unit a chance instead he acted on those feelings. He is weak and has betrayed you and your kids. I am sooooo angry for you. Married life and having kids brings with it challenges did your husband not know that, did he think that you were super human and should spend the rest of your life being a happy go lucky person everyday? Your husband is weak and an ass and you and your children deserve so much better than him! Have you asked him why he hasn't tried to improve your marriage before embarking on an affair? You are handling yourself so well as I would be absolutely livid! His parents must be ashamed of him as you should be. He has let everyone down, he made a promise when he married you and he broke that promise. Shame on him, not on you, you have been faithful to him and your children. I hope you and your children get all the happiness in the world.

Don’t excuse his behaviour as a ‘mid-life crisis’. There’s no such thing. Just a man cheating on his wife.

It’s a shock for you so be kind to yourself. You will emerge happier. You’ve got this!

He just keeps saying he can't help his feelings for the OW. I pointed out he had the opportunity to distance himself from her 6 months ago when he was offered a new job. He chose to stay and I was so happy at the time as his work-life balance would've taken a hit if he had moved. Now I think he chose to stay for her.
I have asked him what his plan is long term. He has no idea. We spoke about the kids and he just went on to say he wants to try and keep it as normal for them as possible, trying to be about for their bedtimes most nights. I suggested that whilst I will facilitate this in the short term, this wouldn't be happening long term if we do separate. he can't continue to play happy families how it suits him. He is going to stay with his parents from tomorrow. I suggested he do some research into how things work with kids after separation. That it will need to be planned and consistent for them. He seemed a bit shell shocked. I really don't know what he was thinking.
Thanks for all your words of support and advice so far.

I never cease to be amazed that spouses think they can lob a grenade like that at their marriage & then be shocked that a. their wife/husband is devastated b. That their spouse doesn’t want to make their life easy

OP you need the cheaters script

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script