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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my marriage is over.

47 replies

BunnyandBee · 29/12/2019 20:33

Dh just sat down after putting our dc to bed and said he has feelings for someone else, he loves me but hasn't been in love with me for a couple of years.
We have both been under a lot of stress recently, I am off work with stress and he has just started a new course with work and has been spending a lot of time with his female colleague (who he has feelings for).
He told me he kiss her and she has feelings for him too.
Our dc are 5 and 3.
I have probably been in and out of pnd since the birth of our youngest who still doesn't sleep well.
I am bereft and don't know what to do. I am terrified but part of me just wants it over with. I am terrified for the girls and how they will cope.
He doesn't seem to think he wants to work on it.
I admit neither of us have put in enough effort over the last year.
Any words of wisdom? Or good stories about children coping? I have no desire to make his life difficult for the children's sake. I want them to have as happy a childhood as possible moving forward.

OP posts:

Kit19 · 30/12/2019 20:01

Watch out for him following this

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 20:02

Hugs OP.

McTits · 30/12/2019 20:24

I think some posters are being unfairly harsh towards your husband here. If it was a woman who had feelings for someone else then the general advice would be to be honest with her husband and take steps to end the relationship. This is what he’s doing here, surely he deserves some credit for being honest and not giving you the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ bullshit while denying that there’s anyone else. However, it’s obviously devastating for you OP, I would tell your family so that they can support you.

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 20:33

Op, he doesn’t want to save things, you need to kick him out, if he wants to try it with the other woman and loosing you in the process that his choice but it is also your choice to continue acting as a support worker for your cheating husband.

Find some courage and ask him to leave, the more you try to convince him to stay the less respect he will feel for you and the more damaged you will get.

girlygirl98 · 30/12/2019 20:39

I would be wary of being too 'nice'. Be aware that any access arrangements you make once you split the court will stick to if you get into a custody battle. If you start him off having them 50 percent of the time, contesting it later will be hard even if he shacks up with a drug addict. Be very wary

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/12/2019 20:49

I'm so sorry OP , and I know it is crap, but you need to concentrate on yourself and your tinies now and show your husband the contempt he deserves. My blood absolutely boils when theses husbands and partners trot out the excuses , it's pathetic.

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 30/12/2019 20:53

@mctits I am, for my own sanity, trying not to demonise him despite my anger and sadness. I appreciate that he has told me, however

he has rolled out the 'I love you but I am not in love with you' whilst simultaneously coming clean about the Ow. It doesn't feel like that is any better (and as I said before it feels like he is just seeking permission now)
he has been unhappy for 2 years but never once expressed this so we could work on it. This may be the 'script' or it may be true. Either way it sucks. I am only 24 hours into this. I will talk to my mum when I can this week. Despite my devastation I don't see the point in becoming difficult or malicious to spite him. I am obviously scared that he will start to twist things to get his way, especially as things start to be formalised. At the moment I am trying to maintain my somewhat naive faith in people to be good and fair, which I know sounds crazy given what has just happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 30/12/2019 20:57

He is off to his parents tomorrow.
My initial thoughts would be a weeknight and every other weekend. I don't see how his work commitments would enable him to do more, but it just feels too soon to be thinking about this, even though I know I have to.

OP posts:

mildlymiffed · 30/12/2019 20:58

Hi OP- sorry you're having such a grim time. When my stbexh moved out, I said from that point that he could have our ds every Wednesday night and every other weekend. I wanted him to understand what it meant. Initially I went and stayed with friends on those nights and he stayed back in the house. This continued until we sold up, and got our own places.

This is just a reflection on how we managed it practically. Emotionally you will be tired and drained, and completely befuddled. Make sure you get your friends around you. I appreciate that you're not involving your folks in case events change. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus for quite a while. And then I accepted that this was the new normal, and that the faster I sorted out practicalities the more likely I was to accept the situation and be able to cope.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 21:17

What a Total Stinking Fucking Cunt this man is. Just saying, OP I really feel for you. and am angry at his weasley fucking 'just wubs her to bits' and so 'does not wub his family any more'. See a Solicitor, take him to the fucking cleaners, and take time to recover from this horrible assault on your family.

scottishlass123 · 30/12/2019 21:20

McTits
He should have left his wife because the marriage was not working instead of for another woman due to an affair. Nobody should embark on an affair and then leave their wife. That is such an insult. He should have tried to sort out his marriage first rather than have an affair. The husband is an ass.

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 21:21

Believe me OP, there are many nasty things that can be said in anger and when you are growing apart but the “I love you but I am not in love with you” is the one where you have to stop and listen. Nobody recovers from that unless you want to have him around as a buddy.

letsdolunch321 · 30/12/2019 21:23

Sorry to read this OP. Going to his parents will give him thinking time, what he expected to achieve when he has no plans set in stone is beyond me.

Are you getting help regards the PND ?

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 30/12/2019 21:27

@mildlymiffed How old is your DS and how did they take it?
Have you formalised that arrangement or did you both just agree to it?
Urgh my head is spinning. At least I have a gp appointment and counselling appointment this/next week (due to being off work with stress) so they will hopefully help with some of that emotional load.

OP posts:

mildlymiffed · 30/12/2019 21:35

@BunnyandBee my ds is now 9... he was 7 when this happened. We've been very slow at getting our divorce together.

Stbexh didn't argue with arrangement- it suits him as he works shifts. We do swap about a fair bit and I'm accommodating to his work patterns as far as possible. It was shit at the beginning. I won't lie. I felt like my world had been ripped in two. We had been to marriage counselling for a bit which helped, but the marriage wasn't salvageable (we gave it too long in all honesty).

We've remained civil. I think it's helped ds. Yes I hate the man for fucking up my life, but that's for me to deal with. However, my life really is okay now and I'd say I'm happy. He pays his way, and we are just starting the formal divorce proceedings now.

But please let yourself be angry. And let him begin to realise what the 'new normal' feels like too. He can't have his cake and eat it. There are consequences. He can't just flit in and out on a daily basis.

MayFayner · 30/12/2019 21:44

despite my devastation I don't see the point in becoming difficult or malicious to spite him. I am obviously scared that he will start to twist things to get his way,

He will twist things, so ok, no need to be difficult for the sake of it, as you say. But by the same token don’t be in any way generous, suit yourself completely and do exactly what is best for you and the DC. You will be painted as the bad guy either way, so don’t give an inch.

In time you may need to relinquish wanting the approval of your ILs because they will more than likely side with him in the end.

StartupRepair · 30/12/2019 21:52

This must be such a shock for you. Make it clear to him that the marriage is indeed over and this is no longer his home. Get to a solicitor as soon as possible so you can be armed with facts.

Clarinet53 · 30/12/2019 22:11

@bunnyandBee this is the same situation I have found myself in. Husband got too close to a colleague and had his head turned. He left in April. I'm not going to lie but it's been hard. I've not had much time away from our children. He doesn't have them overnight. The children don't want to come to the house.

Fast forward to now......im doing ok, managing the house, doing ok with a full time job, looking after the pets. Have done Christmas on my own and all organised for both children's birthdays over the next couple of weeks.

My husband on the other hand has aged, gained weight and is missing home. The grass isn't always greener but it's too late for your husband to realise this. Things won't go back to how they were and from what you say I don't think you'd want them to.

You will be ok x

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 22:15

I am so sorry this happened to you. A separation is a good idea, but I wouldnt want him coming into the house for bedtime when he feels like it. You are right to tell him to research how to make this work for kids - I would be looking at that stuff too. As for what is happening to him - I bet he is shell shocked, sounds like he wanted to get this off his chest but it to make no difference to his actual life as possible. i would suggest couples counselling but while he is talking about his feelings for OW, I dont think there is much point, tbh. You mention 'if you separate' - do you want someone who would do this to you as a partner? It may be a mid life crisis - but people get through it by taking up a new hobby, or buying an unsuitable vehicle - not having an affair. I think you should rally your support too - hopefully you have told your mum by now. People will be angry at him - he is being a total knob.

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 30/12/2019 22:26

I think I know deep down there is no 'if we separate'. There is a tiny part of me wishing for a miracle, but the damage has been done.
Thank you for your kind words, i appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It helps to know that time will settle things.
I will check in in the morning but I need to try to sleep now x

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 30/12/2019 23:09

You sound very calm and strong Bee, all things considered.
Good for you and I'm glad hes going to his parents so you have some space.
This is in no way your fault, please believe that and also that you'll be ok.

TuppenceDarling · 31/12/2019 08:48

There’s no way your husband is thinking “how will I juggle my work commitments with seeing my children? What childcare will I need once we separate?” ALL he is thinking is “when can I next have sex with OW”. Don’t do his adulting for him. See a lawyer ASAP. Don’t manage his life, be equitable but you are not here to facilitate his parenting. He needs to work all that out like a grown up. You need to focus on yourself and your children. You and only you can show them decent adult behaviour as their father is acting like a love struck prick.

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