This is how I feel.. cheating, pain, birth of our baby

[Brig93]

This is how I feel.
I feel desperate, hurt, like this pain I have won't ever go away. It's hard for me to describe exactly my feelings as I try to shut myself away from them. It was almost unbearable so I decided to control every emotion I have. For my sake and children sake. I'm managing it somehow but small things are triggering the memories.
Simple post on Instagram mom giving birth in a pool and the dad & toddler there with her.
Dad kisses the baby and the mom. Simple things and it made me cry so much. I just gave birth, it's gonna be a month soon. I was alone at home with my DS1 who is just 11 months old.
Woken up for pain, contractions. Partner not here obviously. Why would he be here.
I was told he has to work, he had to fix his mistake at work. He went to sleep to his "colleagues" place. Girlfriend.
Anyway, I couldn't reach him for hours.
As soon as I realized I'm in labour I called my DS1 God parents and they been here within 10 minutes. During this time I wash some bottles, prepare clothes and get my stuff sorted, while on the phone with emergency helpline and ambulance on the way. Since the phone call made, ambulance arrived exactly 20 minutes after. They walk in to witness me in massive contraction and water break as they walk through the door. Luckily for parents were with my little one. First question are we going to hospital or we staying? I knew we are staying, I felt the baby pushing so hard and I knew he is on the way. We moved to my bedroom and I didn't even know what position I would be. I simply find the most comfortable one. I was on my 4, holding the end of the bed while waiting for the gas & air.
Still no contain what's so ever from my partner.
Contractions came every minute now.
Suddenly I had a massive urge to push, luckily I had my gas and air and knew exactly how to make a use of it, not like last time.
I felt the baby moving to birth canal. I felt how I tear inside and suddenly another push and the head is out I was so shocked it was so quickly. One more small push and the baby was out! I couldn't believe it! Exactly 45 minutes since I wake up 4 pushes and the baby was here me holding him in my arms 😍 all I cared about that moment if he is ok. My first question was is he breathing? Then I heard a massive loud cry! 😍😍😍 It was one of the best moments of my life. But one of the saddest as well.
All this is did by myself without my partner. I expected him to be with me hold me please me, love me and support me. He was not here.
4 hours after giving birth I had a message: is this a dream? Instead of rushing to us it took him 12 bloody hours to come and see us.
What kind of partner does this?! My partner ☺️👎
Anyway, I had no support. All the happiness I should feel he took it away by his selfishness.
When he had the first message from her he had the choice to refuse her. Simply tell her, I have a partner beautiful children and one more blessing on the way. He didn't, he choose her over me, over us.
There was a massive fight on Christmas Eve as I saw a message from her to him. Calling him baby and she loves him. I was told it's a hoax but it was enough proof for me. On that day I was punched, beaten up and raped and threatened. I won't go more into details it would be to long.
I said hope she was worth it and he laughed at my face. In the end I called the police and he can face up 30 years in jail. My financial situation is fucked at the moment as of his employer is the guarantor of our this property. I have no money of my own but I'm positive today. Here I tell you why, I managed with 1 month old baby and 11 months old by myself for days now, I admit I cry but today was great. I did laundry, house is clean. Bottles clean, children been feed and clean, sleeping now while I'm thinking if I should cook for myself or not. Yesterday I felt the worst pain, I let my emotions slip, I let them out and I could barely take it. That the person I loved the most in my life, who I thought would be here for me love me support me hurt me the worse way ever.infidelit hurt more then my marks on the body for some reason.
He said sex with her was better, she was better than me. Then you can have her, I'm sure he can enjoy her from behind bars.
I'm learning now how to control my emotions, not to let it out again, not to be angry just simply be there for my children, as they need a sane mother.
Im sure there will be time when the emotions will surface again but I'm learning day by day how to put my focus there where is useful and needed. On my children. Tomorrow I'm going to council, to see what help we will get. I will call the local womens aid for guidance and I will let myself to be free again, heal and find myself. Start new chapter in life. No more walking on eggshells, no more chances. New life here I come ☺️

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I forgot to add, I had a thread created it on the 24th. But been deleted because of identifying information. Whoever read that this is a new one and will try to not to do that again. Hope this one is fine.

@gamerchick thank you. I feel I need to write how I feel and Mumsnet is my best option, as here is great support and I would go insane if I would keep all of this inside.

I'm so sorry he did that and that you went through such a terrible experience.

I hope you have had plenty of medical attention.

Wishing you the very best. Xx

I have been examined,taken DNA and stuff..but not really given any medical check only taken pictures ..

Sorry you’re going through this - I read the original thread. You are better off without an abusive partner he sounds disgusting. It might be hard now but you can do it & I hope you get some support.

What you've been through is horrendous.
You should be very proud of yourself, even with all you've been through, you've cleaned, cooked, washed and taken care of your children. It's tough, but you and your children will get through. I would certainly give Women's Aid a call, they are a fantastic organisation.
Take care of yourself, come on here and talk to many people who have been through what you have, their experiences will show you the support to get by, and come through the bad times.
All the best xx

I am so sorry to hear this. What an amazing mother you are. And keep talking about it, it does help, well it helped me and there are some great people on this Web who have taken time to help me. I can see they have done so for you too. You are clearly very strong, and brave. And as a mother of two adults, who has gone through similar, I am so sorry you have had this awful experience. But take care of you, this, what your ex did, is no reflexion on you. Not your fault. Its his doing alone.

So sorry you are having to go through this horrendous time.
You are so bloody brave @Brig93 and have done an amazing job today.
Have you got any real friends and family that you can call on for real life practical support.
Google "Domestic Violence Centre near me" it will come up with a list of the nearest centres to you that you can contact direct if WA helpline is busy.
Good Luck tomorrow with the Council

Congratulations @Brig93, on your beautiful baby. You are a star!

You can do this

Thank you everyone ❤️❤️❤️ your messages warms my heart.
I'm awake feeding at the moment DS2 I passed out while I try to make my DS1 sleep, no idea how I fall asleep.. it's scary I can be tired like that.
I had lights on in the kitchen, TV on.
DS2 was sleeping in his moses basket in the children room. Good I didn't left him in living room. Gosh I need to be more careful.
As of my feelings I cannot believe this is my life. I honestly say I think I'm in denial.
Ex wants to see the children. He knows he cannot contact not did he tried.
I don't know if he is sorry or not.
The thing is I need explanation. I could never move on when I couldn't find closure and that's what I need. To tell me why he had to do this to me. Im thinking to message him but then I put him at risk because of bail. Which would be my fault contacting him not other way around.
I don't know, I'm just rumbling... 😔😔😔
I feel confused most of the time.
I want to move on and be there for my children, start a new life and finally be happy. But how can I if most of the times I don't even know what I feel? How I feel?
It's all the emotions, once I'm angry then sad then I want to cry. I think I need help to sort things out in my head. Somehow find a way to deal with it. As of now I don't want to accept this, any of what happened.
Anyone advice please?

Take it one day at a time.
Reach out for help.
Anytime you feel like contacting him, distract yourself, play with your babies, clean the cutlery drawer, do a chore you have been putting off. Do not give in.
He won’t give you the answers your are looking for. He is a monster who deserves to be behind bars.
So sorry you experienced this.💐

I wouldn't message him, if it breaks the bail conditions. He's a low life of the worst kind and you are better with him out of your life - he beat and raped you recently.

I'd have a chat with your health visitor about your financial situation and housing. You need to break all ties for good. Move on with your lovely children.

Good luck op. He sounds horrendous and you deserve better. Not all men are like this. 💐💐💐

I was thinking to call my health visitor, she is amazing woman really kind. Thank you for reminding me that.. since then I couldn't get out of the house.. not because I'm scared of him.. I'm.just scared to face the world I guess..at home I feel I have everything under control..and outside not.. I haven't been on the bus yet with two little ones..it's only 10 minutes journey for me to get to the town centre but I feel like it's an hour..I had anxiety in the past and I think it might have resurfacing again.. luckily my DS1 God parents are here to help.. just feel I shouldn't ask for simple things like help with shopping..I don't know, I'm.strongbin one side and other side I feel scared, vulnerable and weak 😔 I won't message him..it's not worth it..

I'm still at home, not even one of the children are ready, I didn't take shower for two days now, need to do make up to cover up my black eye.. prepare the bottles, milk etc. For children..why am.i so scared? I'm handling the kids by myself for days.. tomorrow it will be exactly a week...
I don't want to feel scared.. I want to feel strong and confident.
Anyone has been like me? Could you advice me how to pass this anxiety?

OP
You have had teo massive traumas close together.
Can you get some counselling?
It is early early early days still.... be payientvand kind to yourself

• patient and kind

The thing is I need to get out and go to council to see if they can help us, it's been almost na week and I have done nothing..
I know I need time to heal it's just I have to do all these things to make sure we are safe and have roof under our heads.. one minute I feel confident great I feel like a new life is ahead of us and being happy all that shit is behind me, then other minute I'm terrified of everything, everyone, questions why didn't you leave before? Why this? Why that? I told only my mom and not everything. I had a massive argument with her as she keep on want to talk about him, non stop. How bad he was how bad he is bla bla.. like that's what I need..I told her did you even ask me how I feel? Emotionally? She said I know what you are going through as you father was like this.. she even enclosed something really disturbing.. anyway I said to her not to tell anyone.. she is making this her personal drama and all I wanted is to have someone listening to me about how I feel and not judging me..
Well my ex partners ex wife, she is like that.. we talk a lot since the incident and she even offered me to come and see us and help. Imagine a person like that so kind hearted. She listened to everything I said and give good advice and never judged me..I don't even know what I'm asking..I will try to call womens aid today.. to ask for guidance as I feel lost atm.. I know I have to pull myself together for the sake of my children. I just feel I need someone who can tell me how to get out of this emotional mess and the reality I am in.

op I just want to say that I think you’re so strong and you have been through the worst part and done the hardest things already. Of course you are scared after what you’ve been through and started a new life is scary. But everything’s going to only get better and better from here. Even if you have setbacks sometimes, it will get better. In a couple of years you’ll look back and be amazed how far you have come. Let yourself feel these feelings, you are grieving for a life you would have and a man who turned out to be a monster. talking to people and seeking counseling if you can is a good way to work through things, I hope talking to people on here comforts you. My babies are around the same age as yours and it can be difficult and tiring and emotional even in the best situation, so it must be even harder for you. But you’ve done something amazing for your babies by getting rid of your ex and trying to rebuild your lives and what a great example to have someone so brave as their mother. I know it’s a cliché but time will help you heal and come to terms with what’s happened and rebuild your life and you’ll stop feeling pain and one day you will look back on this time like just a bad dream

Ask your local councillor or Citizens Advice Bureau for help with the practical things like your housing; they will do what they can to support you. If you are anxious about going our you can contact Citizens Advice Bureau online which makes things much easier.

I agree with the person who said to ask for counselling, the trauma you have experienced is enormous and you must get support with this - you are doing an amazing job but you are human and ness support too.

I remember in your post you mentioned your home country, is there a club or something locally where you can speak to women from the same place? I know what it's like to live far from your home country and sometimes you just want to speak your own language for comfort.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck, strength and good wishes for your new future xxx

Sorry lots of typos

*anxious about going out
*need support too

Congratulations on your new baby. Your little ones have a strong and wonderful mother.

Your story, although very sad, is now one of hope for a much better future. Take care.

I called women's aid and they advised me really well, listen to me, and said to seek GPs help as well. Also have a call the local sanctuary and I have plenty things to call, sadly my little one couldn't settle down and I miss the opportunity to call the citizens advice bureau, they are open until 4pm only 😔 which means I can give them call only on the 2nd as they will be closed for these two days.
I was searching on their website and this is what I saw, it worries me now as I have indeed pre-settled status.. I would have my settled status long time ago if I don't listen to my ex and listen to my guts.
I was told as well it's seems I have trauma which explains the flashbacks..I cannot believe this is my life.. Im fucked financially, relationship is over, scared for my children and scared if we would have a place to live. If we can stay here or have to move. If we get support or not.
As it wasn't enough I have been through, keep on getting obstacles even tho all I want is to be happy finally and make sure my children are happy and safe and have a place to call home! 😢😢😢😢😢
I know this will take time just wish I have more support, for my children 😔 and I'm scared that because of my situation SS is involved already they would take them.from me. I'm getting anxious more and more. Please anyone has any answers regards of my financial help and eligibility?

You know I found this, destitute domestic violence concession. And I'm reading it and have no idea still if I'm eligible or not. My brain doesn't work anymore honestly..
Could anyone explain it to me please?
I'm slovakian, my children are British and the farther of my children are British. I won't ever get back together with him, I was asked that question many times and it annoyed me like heck someone would get back after so much pain and suffering.
Anyway I'm getting annoyed again 😔 emotions all over the place

For some reason I cannot add more than one picture