This is how I feel.
I feel desperate, hurt, like this pain I have won't ever go away. It's hard for me to describe exactly my feelings as I try to shut myself away from them. It was almost unbearable so I decided to control every emotion I have. For my sake and children sake. I'm managing it somehow but small things are triggering the memories.
Simple post on Instagram mom giving birth in a pool and the dad & toddler there with her.
Dad kisses the baby and the mom. Simple things and it made me cry so much. I just gave birth, it's gonna be a month soon. I was alone at home with my DS1 who is just 11 months old.
Woken up for pain, contractions. Partner not here obviously. Why would he be here.
I was told he has to work, he had to fix his mistake at work. He went to sleep to his "colleagues" place. Girlfriend.
Anyway, I couldn't reach him for hours.
As soon as I realized I'm in labour I called my DS1 God parents and they been here within 10 minutes. During this time I wash some bottles, prepare clothes and get my stuff sorted, while on the phone with emergency helpline and ambulance on the way. Since the phone call made, ambulance arrived exactly 20 minutes after. They walk in to witness me in massive contraction and water break as they walk through the door. Luckily for parents were with my little one. First question are we going to hospital or we staying? I knew we are staying, I felt the baby pushing so hard and I knew he is on the way. We moved to my bedroom and I didn't even know what position I would be. I simply find the most comfortable one. I was on my 4, holding the end of the bed while waiting for the gas & air.
Still no contain what's so ever from my partner.
Contractions came every minute now.
Suddenly I had a massive urge to push, luckily I had my gas and air and knew exactly how to make a use of it, not like last time.
I felt the baby moving to birth canal. I felt how I tear inside and suddenly another push and the head is out I was so shocked it was so quickly. One more small push and the baby was out! I couldn't believe it! Exactly 45 minutes since I wake up 4 pushes and the baby was here me holding him in my arms 😍 all I cared about that moment if he is ok. My first question was is he breathing? Then I heard a massive loud cry! 😍😍😍 It was one of the best moments of my life. But one of the saddest as well.
All this is did by myself without my partner. I expected him to be with me hold me please me, love me and support me. He was not here.
4 hours after giving birth I had a message: is this a dream? Instead of rushing to us it took him 12 bloody hours to come and see us.
What kind of partner does this?! My partner ☺️👎
Anyway, I had no support. All the happiness I should feel he took it away by his selfishness.
When he had the first message from her he had the choice to refuse her. Simply tell her, I have a partner beautiful children and one more blessing on the way. He didn't, he choose her over me, over us.
There was a massive fight on Christmas Eve as I saw a message from her to him. Calling him baby and she loves him. I was told it's a hoax but it was enough proof for me. On that day I was punched, beaten up and raped and threatened. I won't go more into details it would be to long.
I said hope she was worth it and he laughed at my face. In the end I called the police and he can face up 30 years in jail. My financial situation is fucked at the moment as of his employer is the guarantor of our this property. I have no money of my own but I'm positive today. Here I tell you why, I managed with 1 month old baby and 11 months old by myself for days now, I admit I cry but today was great. I did laundry, house is clean. Bottles clean, children been feed and clean, sleeping now while I'm thinking if I should cook for myself or not. Yesterday I felt the worst pain, I let my emotions slip, I let them out and I could barely take it. That the person I loved the most in my life, who I thought would be here for me love me support me hurt me the worse way ever.infidelit hurt more then my marks on the body for some reason.
He said sex with her was better, she was better than me. Then you can have her, I'm sure he can enjoy her from behind bars.
I'm learning now how to control my emotions, not to let it out again, not to be angry just simply be there for my children, as they need a sane mother.
Im sure there will be time when the emotions will surface again but I'm learning day by day how to put my focus there where is useful and needed. On my children. Tomorrow I'm going to council, to see what help we will get. I will call the local womens aid for guidance and I will let myself to be free again, heal and find myself. Start new chapter in life. No more walking on eggshells, no more chances. New life here I come ☺️