Baby is 8 days old.

[kerryanna98]

Hey. Had my baby 8 days ago, easy birth etc had her at 5.44pm and was home by 10pm that night and walking around. But I haven't stopped from the following day.

My partner is off until next week still and he's Amazing with our little girl but he hasn't even had to change her nappy yet or her. He's given her a few bottles but that's about it. Our home is spotless, still cooking long homemade meals too. Doing all the big hit feeds the lot. This morning I asked him to let the dog out for a wee and he moaned so I said "oh right I'll just settle the baby, let the dog out and clean up yeah" he said yeah. I've just had a breakdown, I've had no tears until now but I think that just takes the piss. I settled the baby and got back into bed he's walked in and then walked back and in a huff and just closed the bedroom door. Please tell me this can get better, I would never expect him to do feeds when he's working etc but he moans even if I ask him to let the dog out ffs

You're overtired and he is being an arse. He needs to get off his backside and do chores he doesn't want to do. Some people will let others do everything if they can get away with it.

Yeah that isn't remotely okay. Tbh honest here he's lucky that you had a good birth and are bottle-feeding. I had an EMCS and needed the baby passing to me for quite a few days at least and then bf-ed so spent the first couple of weeks glued to the sofa. I physically couldn't do the housework so my DH had no choice. He made every meal (well re-heated from the freezer!), washed up and changed almost every nappy for his 2 week paternity leave.

You need to stop enabling him...why are you cooking long homemade meals?! Tell him he has to sort dinner. Hand him the baby when they need a nappy change as you need the toilet yourself/a break. Even with an easy birth you still need to rest from the ordeal of pregnancy and birth.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may be reeling from the massive change a baby brings to both your lives, and he may feel like he doesn't know what to do with nappy changes/bottles etc. Sit him down, tell him he needs to parent more/do more housework and give him the opportunity to do it. Also if he doesn't step up tell his parents/siblings he's not doing enough. My MIL would have come down on my DH like a ton of bricks if she thought he wasn't stepping up as a partner/husband.

Stop the cooking, cleaning now and make sure he does half the feeds and nappies today and lots over night.

Either A you will find you do have a good partner who can learn to be more thoughtful and a good dad. Oh and he is not amazing with her if he has barely cared for her. He can’t learn to be amazing without learning to do this.

Or B you have a selfless man child who would rather see you work yourself ragged whilst he needs praise to perform a few cuddles.

Lots of new parents fee that lurching disappointment in their spouse... it’s what happens next that defines your future. Change is possible but don’t allocate yourself all of the work - that can’t build a good relationship.

What are you trying to prove by trying to be the perfect housewife, cook and super-mom and letting him do fuck all?

It's a taboo subject but babies really put strains on relationships imo. You've got a whole new way of living to get to grips with and frankly he needs to step up. What he's doing isn't enough and why hasn't he changed her nappy yet? He should be doing at least half of the nappy changes, as well as getting up in the night, looking after you etc. You need to talk to him to discuss expectations and also remind him that even the most straightforward birth is a big deal physically and you need to recover. I hope he starts stepping up soon and congratulations on the baby

Hes amazing but hasn't changed a nappy yet????? You need to back off and let him patent his own child. Otherwise this is your life for the next 18 years.

*parent

Stop doing anything that isn't looking after yourself and the baby. Fuck the dinners - tell him when you need food and he can do it.

He's awful, not amazing.

I presume he left you to do everything before as well?

Also when you said about the clean home and the cooking who is doing that - I wasn't 100% clear from the post. I've got a feeling it's you though and if it is I strongly suggest letting go of all that during the newborn days or you will eventually burn out. Eat simple meals, ready meals, whatever and don't worry about the housework.

When my baby was little all we did: toilet and bathroom sink a quick once over every so often, wash up dishes as needed, laundry a load a day to keep on top of it, sometimes a very quick fortnightly hoover - that's it! No dusting, no mopping, no ironing. And my fiancé did his fair share of that too, when he was on paternity leave he basically did it all without asking. I'm not trying to brag, just trying to show you what u deserve.

Why on earth are you cleaning and cooking long homemade meals while he does fuck all?! Nah. Just stop before you have another breakdown and enjoy your baby.

I almost laughed when you said he's amazing with the baby and yet he hasn't even bothered to change a nappy. Have another think OP. He's a lazy twat.

Why you are you running round after a grown man? Let alone when you have a newborn.
Stop the cooking and the cleaning now! Let him suck it up.

I need to keep a tidy environment for my little one and I've always had a clean home. As for meals I also need to eat. I'm off to bed for a few hours anyway :)

He's lazy op. Nip this in the bud now. Don't let him get away with doing nothing. Stop doing everything.

You have a newborn and a man child.

I had straightforward if long homebirths with all 3 DCs. Stayed in bed, at midwives suggestion, for a week each time. It’s a big deal physically and psychologically even if things have gone well. You need time to recover, relax and enjoy your new baby. Is there anyone who can help?

Of course OP you like a tidy home and you need to eat but why isn’t your DP doing this?! He needs that too!

OP, try to talk to him about it. If this is the way things usually are in your home - you doing the cleaning/cooking etc, and you've continued to do these things despite being 8 days postpartum, he may not have considered the obvious - that it's actually pretty hard going and you need a hand!

My husband and I are quite 'traditional', I tend to do the housework, and the meals, and I'm fine with that and it works for us. But sometimes he doesn't see the things that need done that are blindingly obvious to me - he just isn't used to noticing it. But if I ask him to do things, he will crack on with it. A couple of times he's had a moan, but I've told him to wise up and he's got on with it - and it's helped him appreciate how much I do! Plus he actually notices some things that he used to be oblivious to. Might also help if you point out that he may not want to do stuff, but actually you don't enjoy doing it either, you do it because it has to be done, and right now you need help and as your partner, that's his role!

We had an arrangement that I’d deal with feeding if DH dealt with the bum end for the first while! If you don’t put your foot down soon it will only get worse. You are still recovering from birth, he should be doing more than you about the house, not less!

Quite a few men seem to believe paternity leave is a nice little holiday work give them to adjust to having a baby in the house and bond- rather than help out or provide support for mums physical recovery. Meanwhile, a woman’s maternity leave means she’s basically a housewife and should be responsible for all child/housework 👍🏻

My DH is ‘usually’ very good, works crazy hours but does chores without being prompted when he is home- not lazy.

We recently planned our parental leave. DH wanted 8 weeks but announced it would be ‘great timing’ as he has a big professional exam coming up after the birth and could use the time to revise (locked away in his study each day) Instead of just fitting bits around work like normal.

He couldn’t understand why I told him to sod off and refused to sacrifice 8 weeks of my maternity leave so that he could lock himself away studying all day and not help me or baby 😂😬🙄

An 8 day old doesnt need a tidy home they need a well supported mum. Yes you need to eat...but so does he. He should be doing half of everything while he is home as a minimum since you're still recovering

@platform9andthreequarters your other half sounds like an absolute keeper. 💙

Honestly spending hours cooking and cleaning isn’t what you need right now. Lower your standards on the food and get him to do all of the cooking.

What was the relationship like before? Did he pull his weight around the house? I’m guessing not. You will need to have a calm discussion about what your expectations are from him and how his attitude is making you feel. Enjoy your nap.

And what makes him Amazing????

Yeah, he's being an arse. I breastfed so did all the feeds when DS was a baby. I had anaemia so was quite weak after birth. My exh did all the cooking, nappy changes, baths and put DS down for naps.