Partner Vs Ex

[Conflict]

Apologies for the length first off! I've been with my current partner for coming up to 3 years now. I have 2 young kids, 10 and under. He has 3 older kids, 19 and under.

When me and my ex split, he moved away. Abroad in fact. Our relationship had been dead for many years, and so while he was gone, I moved on and started dating. He caught wind of this and returned home as soon as he could and went on to make my life a living hell. Harassed me, suicide threats, slander all over his social media etc - police were involved. During this time I was newly with my current partner and the strain of all of this was a lot to deal with, my dad also died, but we got through it and it eventually died down. My kids dad didn't see them for a year, I think he thought that it would force me into breaking up with my partner. When he realised that wasn't working, he started seeing them again. My eldest child was delighted, she had suffered a lot during this time and acted out in many different ways.

He starts seeing them again, he seems a lot calmer, he has stopped mentioning my partner and has even started dating himself and is currently in a serious relationship. I'm happy for him. My partner however, is not. And hates the man, the rage distorts his face whenever he is mentioned. He hates him for what he did to me/us during a really tough time in my life. Me however - am now indifferent to my ex. I can talk to him regarding childcare civilly, because honestly I've had enough drama to last a life time. I can be fluid with childcare arrangements because we have no court order, and there is no reason not to be flexible as long as it isn't causing a huge issue for my household and it often is my to benefit if something crops up. My partner doesn't seem to understand this, because his ex didn't operate this way at all.

Every time I say "ex is having the kids on x day this week" he will twist his face and there'll be a reason this doesn't work for anyone but ex. If I say "ex had the kids Christmas morning so I'm having new year", he'll again twist his face and make out like that only suits ex. He says I'm subsidient to ex, I say I'm indifferent and that it actually takes a huge amount of strength and control to be able to communicate with a man who I had to sit and watch break my kids hearts telling them he was leaving and then try and ruin me. Everything is an issue when it comes to my ex for him. I appreciate they hate each other for their own reasons but my stress levels are through the roof trying to keep everything civil with my ex for the sake of my kids, and trying to deal with my partners reactions to him.

The joke is I spent a year supporting him through mediation with his ex, her very rigid demands for access which hugely impacted our lives at home and work, because he knew that she was trying turn them against him any way she could and so when she said jump he flew.

How do I make it clear that whilst I don't forget, I do forgive my ex, because holding onto that hate only hurts me and my kids. I can't do this every week, I can't be scared to let him know what days my ex is having them as per his work rotas because I know be will find an issue with it. He wants it to always benefit us, actively encourages me to not accept days when he is in work and I'm off work because then that doesn't benefit us both. It's not just about us is the message he won't accept.

If I'm wrong for being civil with my ex, if I'm wrong for being understanding that my ex has 2 jobs and being relaxed with the days each week, if I'm wrong not forcing him to have set days via mediation just because that's what my partner has to do then I'm fully prepared to hear that. I'm quickly losing sight of what is and isn't normal or acceptable here trying to keep everyone happy but myself it seems.

Thanks if you've made it this far and can muster up the energy to reply!

Ugh posted this on the browser and did use paragraphs which don't seem to be showing on the app! 🤦🏻‍♀️

My dp despises my ex, because my ex was an abusive bastard. He hates him.

He also recognises that his feelings arent the most important thing. The most important thing is the kids. He wont heap more pressure on me by making every mention a cause of tension.

Your dp needs to grow and respect how you are dealing with things.

It sounds like you are doing your best to do the right thing by your children. Your partner needs to be on board with this

Quite simply, your arrangements with your ex are absolutely none of his business. I couldn't put up with that one bit.
It isn't about benefitting either of you, it's about the children. I'd find a man who couldn't grasp that incredibly unattractive.

(It's ok - you paragraphs are there)

Your new partner is getting this badly wrong. He may have every reason to hate XP. But youbare describing how w he treats you. He is persisting in talking to you in ways you hate, and is throwing obstacles in the way of how you make arrangements for his DC. And is comparing you unfavourably to his ex.

Bad behaviour is something that creeps in (through laziness or selfishness usually).

Don't put up with this into the New Year.

How best do you think you can get that message across? If he persists after you do that, you will know it comes from deliberate intent - it means he isn't happy with you, how you parent, how your and your DC's lives are set up. Think carefully about your boundaries - it's gong to be quite important that you know where they are and can stick to them

Thank you for the replies, saw the no paragraphs in the app and lost all hope

That's very much my attitude towards it. Whether he agrees or not he needs to trust and respect my decisions and not see it as some sort of personal attack against him, or me choosing to side with my ex. It's not about us. After 3 years and a lot of hurt me and my ex can finally talk about our kids without killing each other, and i want it to stay that way. That's not to say I won't stand up for myself should I feel something is off, but being made to feel like a weak doormat to my ex by my partner is wearing me down so much. I'm not his ex. I don't function that way. Everything is fine, except his visible disgust whenever ex is mentioned and it's me he's taking it out on.

Here's how I see it OP - You're caught between two pricks. One of them tormented you with his jealousy and now the other one thinks it's his turn to torment you with his resentment.

Don't get me wrong, in your partners shoes I'd be resentful too, but I sincerely hope I wouldn't consider it just cause to hurl irrational and unreasonable demands at my partner.

You need to see what he is doing OP. He's trying to manipulate you to get at your ex, and in his selfishness he's looking straight past the fact that this would only hurt you and your kids. Tell him exactly what he's doing and why, then tell him you've had enough stress out of this mess from your ex and you're not prepared to put up with any more from him.

Thank you chantico and scared, you're both absolutely right. He is trying to make my ex suffer by having me impose demands on him, but it's not hurting him - he can simply refuse. It will however hurt me when he starts kicking off again, and my kids when he dissapears again. But as long as my partner feels like he has the upper hand and control now then that's all that seems to matter.

He started this morning literally as soon as we woke up. "So why isn't he having the kids new years eve again?".. I explained, I told him 2 days ago why and that I wasn't prepared to argue about it. Then came the subsidient insults and how can i be civil to him after everything etc. Just fucking tired of it. What is the point? We will argue about it, make up, then repeat next week.

You sound very in tune with your feelings. I totally understand the concept of new partner not letting go just bringing added stress. To be honest I’d show him your (abrievated?) post. I think it explains things very clearly. You need solidarity, an occasional moan but mostly just a partner, not someone else to battle.

Sounds from the post that you are allowing your ex to do this and that for an easy life without drama and your dp objects. TBH I’d object to 😐

Your ex wouldn’t do the same, treat you the same and sometimes you need to say no. Why wouldn’t you have a day off and spend time with the dc but you just let your ex have them..

bionic, yes, that made my eyes a bit wet because that's exactly it. I want my home to be my sanctuary, not a war zone. I absolutely can't handle being made to feel like a shit person for not putting myself (or him?) first. I don't expect him to agree with everything I do in life, and vice versa. But even when I think he's wrong about something or making a bad decision I'll support him as best I can and then help him figure it out if and when it goes tits up. Isn't that just what you do? I feel so unsupported and the worst thing is I don't truly believe he will ever understand this and what it is doing to me. What being made to feel like a shit person by the person who claims to love you the most is actually like. Countless times he has said it a my issue he won't get involved I'm on my own, like that is some sort of punishment- how I wish he'd stick to that now!

absolutely can't handle being made to feel like a shit person for not putting myself (or him?) first. I don't expect him to agree with everything I do in life, and vice versa.

But if you repeatedly putting ex first then any dp is going to get slowly more and more pissed off

Your trying to facilitate a relationship between your D.C. and their father - that’s their fathers job/role not yours

ivykaty I think you've misunderstood. Ex doesn't message me with his social calender and I bow down to that. He works 2 jobs, one full time during the day and another at night. I understand the nature of both. So when he says "this is my day off this week, can I have the kids then?" - why would I say no? I spend 6 days a week with them. They love being with their dad. I'm not about to refuse their one day a week chance to spend time with him just to point score. It certainly isn't agreeing just for an easy life. It's agreeing so my kids can see him that week.

So your ex sees the dc one day a week every week? How much notice does he give you for his day off?

Point out to your partner that if it went to court because it is your Ex job he would be most likely given flexible contact ie when he gets his shift patterns he is to tell you within x days/hours to let you know when he is able to have the DC.

If the ex was pissing you about chopping and changing and had control then it would be different.

I would tell your partner he needs to come to terms with it out your relationship won't survive.

Your partner is hurting your DCs here as well.

He is draining your finite emotionally energy needlessly - he is preoccupying your head with his negative and viscous demands. You are exhausted dealing with a difficult ex and a soon as there is a chink of light for peace and calm your DP steps in to block it.

Whilst he does this you can’t give as much to your DCs to repair the torment left by their father. They are all that matter now - their emotional restoration is your 100% focus and you need all of your emotional energy to do this. You need his support and you need a calm and peaceful home - but he is draining you and blocking that.

Don’t do this week on week. TELL him once calmly (show him this thread if necessary) how YOU will run YOU children, that he has to be supportive of YOUR approach. That this is negatively hurting your DCs and you will not be allow this to continue for one more day.

Does he like drama and conflict? Why did his marriage fail? Why did he drag you into issues with his ex (why did you step in?) - is he actually uncomfortable that all the drama is resolved? Have you known him in any drama free times?

Don’t like the sound of his “twisted face” - he sounds v emotionally unregulated.

No arsey bloke is worth polluting your hard earned calm and peaceful home for - your job now is to restore the pain inflicted on your DCs - not expose them to more shit from some random bf either directly or indirectly.

YOU have done brilliantly to achieve civility with your ex. This is gold - he will be in your DCs life longer than this guy. Don’t let him mess it up.

I think you are in the right here op and your partner is trying to control you. It's not very pleasant to want the kids at their Dad's during partner's day off work so it will 'benefit' him too. He shouldn't be a factor in your kids contact arrangements with their Dad.

I think your partner is purposely making your life hard and punishing you for your ex's past behaviour. You have managed to create a harmonious situation from a very bad one - the person you are having to be subservient to here is ironically your partner.

He sees them once a week overnight. He will help out extra if and when he can. For example partner had a late hospital appointment last week - i asked ex if we could swap nights so i could be there, he agreed. He gives me notice weekly as per his Rota release. I know this to be true as it's the same job he had when we were together. It's not all about what benefits my ex, it just doesn't affect me or my partner what days my kids go to him so why make it an issue when there doesn't need to be one?

Your partner is being so out or order...

Are things still not civil with his ex and he's actually resentful that things are now ok between you and yours?

Great post from @Gutterton - sums it all up really.

That makes way more sense with your update. I was also worrying you were just letting him mess you about.

Re your dp. I think a discussion along the lines of, it's taken a lot of tears and heartache to get to where we are now. The kids love spending time with their dad, I can talk to him without being upset/angry, although we don't have a set schedule it means that the kids still get time with him and I don't mind being flexible if I can. It's all pretty perfect except for you, you take umbrage when he's mentioned, you get angry if he rings. I think you need to think about why this arrangement which works for everyone else, gives you rage because I've had enough of dealing with that.

But I think he sees the hurt that has been caused to you and can't let it go, he's fighting your corner and thinks you're giving in to ex.

Tell him clearly that now he's the only one causing you grief.

Agree, @Gutterton perfectly put, absolutely nailed it.

@RandomMess things are still terrible with his ex although it's now been no contact for a while, his kids are old enough to communicate with him.

It was a very toxic relationship from what I understand, high drama. He used to say he loved the calmness of me, now he seems to miss the conflict. I've accused him of missing it before because nothing can ever just be plain sailing. He of course scoffed at that.

I think you are in a very good place with your Ex and you are realistic and putting the children first. Just watch that you are not too much of a doormat as you are obviously empathic.

Conversely it would concern me that your partner is showing bitterness, resentment and a need to punish which is how he behaves when upset/scorned.

I learned the hard way that how someone treats others, when they are angry (even if justified) is how they will eventually treat you. Please don't think you will be the exception.

I would tell your partner that his bitterness and need to win or punish your Ex is extremely unattractive and he needs to find a way to process his feelings more positively..he has to let it go and genuinely find acceptance as otherwise he will constantly be in a power struggle with your Ex and use your children as weapons.

At best if he can't alter his rigid thinking around the contact schedule then you and him are poorly matched. I do know some parents who have to follow a rigid contact schedule, such as your partners Ex and this is just how they are in their life generally, very inflexible. Others (myself included) are happy to adjust and be more fluid. I know I couldn't be with a partner if he didn't agree with this approach. Given your children are young you have years of this. Your partner may not be the right man for your life set-up, even if you are compatible in other areas and that is why you are feeling so stressed.

You will hear some nonsense on here unfortunately OP as that is the nature of message boards. Some people form their own assumptions and run with them as if they were facts, but no one knows your situation with all its nuances better than you and from everything you've described it sounds to me like your partner is lashing out in a highly destructive and unreasonable manner.

I think you should tell him that while his resentment is natural the way he's directing it is actively damaging your relationship and there's only so much of that any relationship can take.