Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I apologize to my narcissist ex for texting after he dumped me?

31 replies

bxbydxllx · 29/12/2019 00:26

Brief history, we have been on & off for 3 years,

He has ghosted me for the second time in 3 years few weeks ago, after confronting him with cheating...after which he flipped it on me and literally ghosted me. I completely broke down and did things I now deeply regret, i.e. texted him multiple times a day to take me back, sent explicit texts and pictures, etc. I know I sound pathetic but he has been screwing my life since I was 19, and he is more than old enough to be my father.

I realized that I was having a full blown breakdown and started seeing a therapist, which has made me realize how disgusting he is and how he manipulated me all these years. Should I text him just to say that I had a breakdown at that time and that was the only reason I texted him, and say that I won't ever contact him again? I just want to undo some of the humilation of looking so pathetic in front of him and make it clear that he no longer has control over me. Is there something else I can say?

OP posts:
pemberleypearl · 29/12/2019 00:29

The best thing to do is not contact him.

Elindab · 29/12/2019 00:29

No! Don't contact him! Just let it go. Forgive yourself. We all go crazy over men at times. Just move on.

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2019 00:32

Hes still in your head. Don't contact him. The texting idea, and even this thread, are ways of keeping his presence in your life.

I get it. 3 years seems a lot. I had a bloke in my head for three weeks recently and it's taking ages to stop thinking about him. He'll always be part of your past.

Stick with the therapy. Move forward.

cheeseandpineapple · 29/12/2019 00:35

I would leave it but it sounds like it’s still eating away at you, what does your therapist suggest?

Antibles · 29/12/2019 00:41

Sorry this awful man manipulated you. Don't text. The very fact you text would show him you still care, even a little bit, what he thinks. Plus, if he really is a narc, they like a little challenge of trying to screw someone up again so I firmly recommend you stay off his radar. You can't make them think better of you anyway no matter what you say to them. They despise you when you're weak and hate you when you're strong so try to destroy you, as I say. Don't poke the nest. His opinion is utterly irrelevant anyway.

YellowJellyfish · 29/12/2019 00:42

Don't text!!!

OldWomanSaysThis · 29/12/2019 00:45

Absolutely not.

lexiepuppy · 29/12/2019 01:23

Don't reply to him. Go No Contact.

You need to start detoxing him out of your life and mind.

You are trauma bonded to him and that is why you reacted in an extreme way.

Delete him off of your phone. Block him and delete on social media.

Delete photos and box up anything he has given you and give it to charity. Don't have any reminders of him lurking around.

Make a list of all the shitty things he did to you in the relationship and read it when you start thinking about him.

When you get the desire to contact him or start thinking about him, go on YouTube and watch videos from:
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Narc Survivor
Melanie Tonia Evans
Sarah Speaks

Take him off the pedestal and put yourself up there instead.

Be gentle with yourself, it is not like a regular breakup, narcissists cause addiction, the brain chemistry changes and it is difficult to detox from them.

Stay strong, don't contact him, go NC.Flowers

MadeForThis · 29/12/2019 01:24

Don't. It's giving him the power again. He doesn't need an explanation. He will see it as another attempt to get in touch.

Block and move on.

He will not believe anything you say. He will twist your words to hear what he wants.

Don't give him any more power.

doritosdip · 29/12/2019 01:43

Don't contact him.

Contacting him to say don't contact me is pointless and makes you look like you want him to contact you.

Delete

Windmillwhirl · 29/12/2019 02:52

Do ou want to contact him to try and save face?

Telling him you had a breakdown will be used against you in some way, i.e. he will tell people you are unstable, were difficult to be with, no wonder he cheated etc , etc

You need to break old patterns of trying to get him back. Texting him will be seen that way by him even if it's not your intention.

Don't text him

Danni12 · 29/12/2019 03:24

Don't contact him

NeverGuessWho · 29/12/2019 03:31

I agree - don’t text him. Maybe you could send the “text” to us on here - post it so you’ve got it out of your system, but to a bunch of supportive strangers. I’m no psychologist, it might be a rubbish idea, but I think it would help me to write the text & post it on here for support.

Either way, don’t text your abuser.

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/12/2019 03:34

No absolutely do not text him! Go absolutely cold turkey it's the only way.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2019 05:20

Bxbydxllx, please don’t diminish yourself by giving this narcissistic loser any more of your time, attention and energy. Your texting will boost his ego.

Empower yourself by moving on with dignity. Stick with your counseling to strengthen your self-esteem.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 05:22

Should I text him just to say that I had a breakdown at that time and that was the only reason I texted him, and say that I won't ever contact him again?

No, you should block him and delete his number from all your devices.

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2019 05:39

Hell no.
Why isn't he blocked on everything?!

If you need closure, write a letter with everything you want to say to him and then (safely) - burn it. Perhaps whilst saying 'I cut you lose. You have no control over me, anymore'.

You will never get what ever it is you need from a narcissist. You need to find of within yourself.

Bottler · 29/12/2019 05:40

No, do not text him.

MsChatterbox · 29/12/2019 05:53

Don't do it. I know where you're at, I wanted to text my ex and thank him for leaving me.. I am sooo glad I didn't. Just don't do it!

NearlyOutedMyself · 29/12/2019 05:58

Absolutely do not text or phone him at all. Are you still having counselling?

VixenSixen · 29/12/2019 07:42

DO NOT MESSAGE HIM.

Read up on narcissists, particularly about hoovering and you'll see why he's creeping back messaging you. It has nothing to do with him wanting you, he is looking to satisfy his ego.

The best thing you can do is go completely no contact. Block him everywhere you can and never look back. He may become more persistent and find all manner of ways for you to be back in his life but you must not let him back. You'll undo all the good work you've done to get away.

Write down all the horrible things he's done to you and see it as a reminder of the kind of person you're dealing with.

Stay strong. X

TheBlueStocking · 29/12/2019 07:57

Absolutely not.

selmabear · 29/12/2019 08:02

OP, please don't contact him. He's not worth your time. Concentrate on yourself and stay on the road to recovery.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/12/2019 10:19

I just want to undo some of the humilation of looking so pathetic in front of him and make it clear that he no longer has control over me

In the kindest possible way, no you don't. This message is about you still being emeshed in him - you are trying to control what he thinks about you, because to you, what he thinks is still the most important thing in the world.

I don't want to be harsh - this guy is an abuser and has had a long time to train you to do this. It is not surprising that you still find yourself preoccupied with him: what he thinks, how you look to him, whether he thinks he is "winning" or not.

But part of your recovery will be to detach from that kind of thinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2019 10:22

Do not contact him at all. You've basically been through the idealise, devalue, discard narcissist love cycle.