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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I too needy?

40 replies

MadWomanPossessed · 28/12/2019 14:19

Been with DP 2 years. We don't live together and each have older DC living at home. We usually text fairly frequently if we aren't seeing each other, with sometimes a day or two without contact during the week if really busy with work. But we are both off work during the Christmas break and I haven't heard from him since Christmas day with a brief greeting.

I think about him every day but worry he doesn't feel the same. I haven't messaged him as I don't want to appear needy. I usually am the first one to message, but not always.

Am I being too needy? Not sure what I should realistically expect from a non cohabiting relationship as this is my first since my divorce.

I'm rationalizing it by telling myself he is just busy with family stuff. But a brief "Hi, I'm thinking about you, how was your day?" sort of text would make me feel like I actually featured in his thoughts.

OP posts:

booboo24 · 28/12/2019 14:48

I'm not going to be much help here as I'm similar to you and I think I'd feel a bit put out that he wasn't in regular contact. It's not a new relationship, it's Christmas, I'd want to feel 'missed' a bit! Possibly the sensible thought would be he's busy with family but is there a reason you're not seeing him over the christmas period?

anotherdisaster · 28/12/2019 15:02

It depends whether the level of texting has significantly decreased, or if he has always been like this.
If he has stopped texting as much as he used to then he's probably a typical male (sorry being sexist) and doesnt feel he needs to make the same effort anymore.
If he has always been like this then its just the way he is and unless you say anything to him he will be oblivious.
Some people put more value on seeing someone in person and don't feel the need to text.
Without more info its hard to advise. How is he when you are together?

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 28/12/2019 23:07

Yes, I do want to feel "missed" @booboo24 exactly that. Or just a bit of chit chat to know he is thinking of me as much as I am him, or even arranging to see each other, because we didn't make plans yet.

@anotherdisaster it isn't typical, but it has happened before. Usually I cave and message first, because I think it is stupid to hold out/play games etc. and I'm not a teenager. And he will respond, though sometimes not for many hours.

I feel like I'm the gushy one sometimes and it can feel a bit humiliating if I'm doing it and he isn't. I don't want to always be the one initiating contact, or feelings.

And if I am totally honest, a tiny bit of me thinks he doesn't fancy me any more

OP posts:

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 29/12/2019 18:29

Has anyone else got experience of this?

Any advice on what steps I should take next, i.e. Should I just messge him first (again)?

We haven't met up for a week now and haven't any immediate plans to.

OP posts:

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 29/12/2019 18:35

Doesn’t sound particularly needy to me. Have you talked to him about this?

Blinkingecksake · 29/12/2019 18:36

I would feel disappointed not to have made plans to be honest. Do you feel you could have an open chat with him about it - both the lack of contact and wanting to make plans? It’s not unreasonable to know what you’re doing with your hols, to want to spend time together and have things to look forward to. But I’m no expert - another divorcee trying to work out relationships!!

Grobagsforever · 29/12/2019 18:37

Urgh sorry OpP, he really doesn't sound that bothered. Is there a reason you're not meeting up over Xmas week?

I've had this relationship and whilst I was devastated when it ended I'm much happier now with a partner who is in regular contact (but doesn't mind if I'm too busy to text/not feeling chatty etc)

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 29/12/2019 18:38

I went out with someone where I felt that I was the one who was more keen, always initiating texting and meeting up etc, and it gradually made me more and more unhappy. We talked about it a couple of times and it would change for a little while, and then he would go back to his natural style. In the end I just had to conclude that we weren’t long term compatible and end the relationship as even though I really liked him, he wasn’t making me happy.

Glitterb · 29/12/2019 19:05

Absolutely text him, I can’t see why this would be seen as needy

conduitoffortune · 29/12/2019 19:09

You're not needy, he's just emotionally unavailable. Who the fuck doesn't feel the urge to speak to their DP from Christmas Day until 29th?

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 19:10

It's hard to say as everyone is different but personally after being with someone for two years I wouldn't feel comfortable with not speaking for a couple of days at a time.

It just seems strange to me (after so long, not when first seeing each other) to not instinctively want to chat on messages each day. Even a funny meme or update on how work is going etc. Again not at the start but two years in.

Neither way is right or wrong but it sounds like when it comes to communication and investment in the relationship you aren't compatible.

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 19:13

And over Christmas?! What the fuck. That's really really strange OP, you are not needy for thinking that's very unusual and would upset most people.

Groovinpeanut · 29/12/2019 19:39

You've been together 2 yes and you're still ummmm'ing and arrrr'ing about texting and questioning neediness? Why aren't you making plans, mixing with each others families? If this was a new relationship that's different, but 2 yrs should have led to things being far more relaxed and settled.

RUSU92 · 29/12/2019 19:47

I know some people just don't see texting as being important but this would annoy me too. I feel abandoned and forgotten if I don't hear from my DP for a whole day, let alone several!

When I talk to him about it he always says that his actions when we're together should show that he loves me, not random texts saying hi, but to me it shows that he thinks about me when we're apart. He will get better for a while, but then forgets again and we have to have the conversation on a regular basis about why its important to me to know that I'm not 'out of sight out of mind'.

It takes literally seconds to send someone a quick message, I don't expect a long conversation or an actual call and most people these days are pretty much glued to their phone, so no excuse not to. You're not asking too much at all.

I think in this case I'd send him a jokey message saying "haven't heard from you, worried you're either in a cheese induced coma or buried under a mountain of gifts. Call me!" and maybe have a chat about it when you see him next.

Explain that your preferred method of communication is little and often, you don't need him to be there every day, but you do need to feel that he's thinking of you when you're not together. If he still can't manage it then I guess you have to take his other actions and decide if its a difference in communication styles rather than how much you like each other.

Minionmomma · 29/12/2019 19:54

I’d be furious. That’s way too long for no contact.

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 29/12/2019 20:06

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure how to broach it with him. I'm tempted to text something jokey about him not contacting me, but worry it would come across as covert bitch. I'm also thinking that if I say how unimportant to him I have felt over the last week with his radio silence, then he will quite rightly say that I didn't contact him either, so i am just as bad as him. The difference is that I've been stopping myself from contacting him, whereas I suspect that he hasn't even given me a thought. I hope I'm wrong.

This is killing my self esteem which is a bit fragile at the moment for several reasons.

OP posts:

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 29/12/2019 20:08

Your relationship should not be ‘killing your self esteem’!

If you can’t talk to him about this, it doesn’t sound like he is the right guy for you.

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 29/12/2019 20:12

And the weekend is over now, and we always spend at least part of it together. No plans for New Year yet either.

I get that he has his family around but so do I and he still features in my thoughts and I want to ask him every day how his day went and just to touch base with him. I don't even know if he had a nice Christmas. This makes me sound like a fool. He got me a lovely thoughtful Christmas present, and usually makes time for me, as I do him. Am I clutching at straws here? I expect he will breezily message me in the next day or so without any idea how I'm feeling, and I'm really crap at dealing with that.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 29/12/2019 20:13

@TimeForPlentyIn2020 that is exactly what I am worried about.

OP posts:

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 29/12/2019 20:16

Thing is, the guy I finished with - I do think he really liked me. I could point to lots of evidence of that. But ultimately, I wasn’t happy.

Original poster

MadWomanPossessed · 29/12/2019 20:22

I just don't know what to expect from a relationship after my divorce. He does make me happy generally. But I think I am quite angst ridden a lot of the time, and would be in any relationship I think.

OP posts:

Groovinpeanut · 29/12/2019 20:26

OP are you actually in a relationship with this man? Or do you just know each other and chat time to time?

GratitudeGoddess · 29/12/2019 20:28

Call him for a friendly chat saying you had been thinking of him and wondering how he is or how his Christmas went. Speaking to him in real life will hopefully reassure you. Or if his phone is switched off at least you will get a better idea of what's going on. Lifes too short to sit and worry or agonise over things. Or...as agonising as it may be wait for him to call you and in the meantime be kind to yourself, go out and have fun and plan your NYE regardless of whether he joins you or not.

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 20:34

If you can't have an honest conversation about this then you aren't in the right relationship.

You shouldn't have to make jokey / self deprecating remarks with an obvious subtext of "I'm clearly not happy about this and am upset". You're allowed to just message saying bit concerned I haven't heard from you over the last few days, would have been nice to plan something together for New Years. Etc.

Hard to know whether he's worth the effort of continuing to date or not but either way you don't sound ready for a relationship that involves conflicting contact styles / expectations. It's not that either is right or wrong, just perhaps not compatible.

Don't drive yourself mad trying to win over someone who isn't right for you.

firesong · 29/12/2019 20:35

Aaw. You'd not sound needy. I have had contact with every boyfriend / partner / husband every day, I think. Even as you say, if it's just a couple of messages about how our days are going. I wouldn't like this at all, and would feel low priority.

The problem is how to broach it really - I think in person, when you're not out celebrating new year or whatever. And perhaps just say to him that you would prefer that both of you make an effort to be in contact a little more frequently, as you are looking to be with someone who makes you feel cherished/special/whatever.

To be honest I would find the low level contact indicative of a lower level of interest. Sorry, I hope that's not the case and he is trying to play it cool like you are.

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