Am I too needy?

[MadWomanPossessed]

Been with DP 2 years. We don't live together and each have older DC living at home. We usually text fairly frequently if we aren't seeing each other, with sometimes a day or two without contact during the week if really busy with work. But we are both off work during the Christmas break and I haven't heard from him since Christmas day with a brief greeting.

I think about him every day but worry he doesn't feel the same. I haven't messaged him as I don't want to appear needy. I usually am the first one to message, but not always.

Am I being too needy? Not sure what I should realistically expect from a non cohabiting relationship as this is my first since my divorce.

I'm rationalizing it by telling myself he is just busy with family stuff. But a brief "Hi, I'm thinking about you, how was your day?" sort of text would make me feel like I actually featured in his thoughts.

*you do not sound needy

if I say how unimportant to him I have felt over the last week with his radio silence, then he will quite rightly say that I didn't contact him either, so i am just as bad as him. The difference is that I've been stopping myself from contacting him, whereas I suspect that he hasn't even given me a thought. I hope I'm wrong.

That's the trouble with playing games. My DP gets really cross when I let it slip that I've been trying not to contact him, as I don't want to always be the one pushing it. I want to know that even if I didn't start the chat that he would.

Obviously he's going to answer my messages at some point, otherwise whats the fucking point. But to me the test of whether he really gives a shit is whether he takes the initiative and contacts me without me prompting him.

Of course when you set someone a 'test' and they fail without even knowing they were being tested, they don't like it! So then we end up in a row where he says if I want to talk to him I should pick up the phone, and I continue to feel rejected and unlovable.

Its a massive self esteem issue that can't be fixed by any number of messages or any amount of reassurance, because people like us will always wonder if we really deserve the love we crave and will never feel entitled to it.

The answer is probably lots of therapy to try and fix the root of the problem but in the meantime you need to examine your own feelings around it, be open and honest, tell him it might be too much for him, but you need him to know what goes through your mind when you don't hear from him and then he can decide if he's willing to put in the tiny amount of effort needed to make you feel loved.

thank you everyone for your replies. I feel like I should be really forthright about what I need, and then I panic and feel pathetically weak and cowardly. I am able to fight my corner in other aspects of life, just not relationships it seems.

To me, honestly no you dont sound needy at all.

But it's all relative isn't it? It depends what hes like with other people or how he was with previous partners. His perception of a normal level if contact could be entirely different - some people msg each other all day long, other couples share maybe a message or two a week. I guess it's about finding your balance.

It's nice to feel thought of though

The thing it took me YEARS to realise OP is that if you aren't honest about your wants and needs, you won't find the right partner. You'll spend the rest of your life feeling anxious and seeking reassurance. Ironically this also serves to push people away.

You aren't wanting anything needy - what you think of as a nice and normal level of contact is perfectly reasonable. It's not out of the ordinary. He doesn't naturally want that kind of contact it seems.

IF both of you are playing games and actually both waiting for the other one to message first then it still doesn't say much positive about your relationship because after two years you should not be playing "who will message first" games.

It'll only get more exhausting and start being toxic as your self confidence gets lower and his threshold for reassurance runs out.

This doesn't sound like the relationship that will make you happy and secure.

@RUSU92 that really resonated with me, thank you for your insight. It is quite hard when on paper you know what you deserve as a minimum in a relationship, but when it comes to asserting this for yourself in real life, then it becomes a huge navel gazing issue that blocks you from being a whole got-it-together no-shit-tolerating person. At least that is what it feels like.

I've been going out with a new man for 2 months (never mind 2 years) and I'm at the will I, won't text first. I hate it, I'm in my 50s FFS!

However I assume once I get to know him better and we know each other's boundaries and needs, then that "game" ceases.

There is no way I could still be playing it after - year never mind 2 years. Sadly, I think he's just not that into you. :(

Sorry not to name tag everyone. I think we usually have a good balance of communication, except now I'm thinking it is because I initiate it a lot. Not all the time though. I hope it is just a communication issue, but my worry is that he just isn't in love with me as much as he was before. Hence me feeling quite low about it now.

That does sound needy (and paranoid and pathetic)!!

Maybe stop thinking about yourself in labels. If not hearing from him for so long is making you uncomfortable then that's reason enough for you to talk to him about it. Don't send jokey texts when you're not feeling jokey, just ask him about it when you meet him next.

Whoever wants to stamp that 'needy' for whatever reason might as well, but don't do it to yourself.

Maybe he doesn't text as much as he's just taken you texting for granted. I'd be inclined to tell him. You don't live with each other you need reassurance and what you expect. You should feel important enough for him to want to speak to you regularly. I'm not making excuses but if he was in a relationship for yrs he may not know what's expected of him.
I told my DP I wanted a text every morning and it's worked for 18 months.
I take it you are intimate and have a sexual relationship we'll he should cherish you.

I don't know how he communicated in other relationships in the past. But with me I feel a bit taken for granted. Not very cherished at all. I need to express this to him but I'm not sure how.

This doesn't sound like a 2 year relationship at all. By 2 years people are normally confident of the love of their partner, and wouldn't just disappear off for days at a time without a firm plan for meeting up.

Given how little time and energy a text takes, the fact he hasn't bothered to send one speaks volumes.

What also speaks volumes is your lack of security in the relationship. At 2 years, people can usually disagree and raise issues without any problem. If you look at Natalie Lue's relationship stages, you are still at stage 2, after 2 years. That's fine if neither of you are looking for commitment. But my feeling is that you are trying to 'stay breezy' because you have intuited that this is what works for him, and he's happy with that, because he doesn't want to commit.

For this to go anywhere, then you have to be honest and open with him about the communication you expect.

But for me, at 2 years and you are still wondering when you are going to see him again? I couldn't be bothered with it.

Ooops, missed out the link for the relationship stages:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/intensity-isnt-the-same-as-intimacy/

Can I ask how old he is OP?

The reason for this is my DH doesn't live with me, but we love each other very much. Honestly I can despair, first he favoured texts, then only emails and now it's wassaps and I don't always check my phone.

We have DD (11) so are constantly phoning each other and seeing each other very often but his means of communication otherwise frustrate me no end. He is in his 60's and I am a lot younger.

No harm is meant by it! He just doesn't see the need for daily updates! So I can easily go for a few days without contact. It is a generational thing.

We have been married for 20 years, so I agree on PP's stages of relationships thing and also that you shouldn't be trying to be breezy!

Unless you are in your 20's of course which you might be!