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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. What do I do now?

37 replies

Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 13:32

Firstly, I am here because I need help and am pretty devastated. However, I want the objectivity of lots of opinions so I can work out what best to do.

As a starter for ten, a bit of context. I work full time and have a reasonably demanding job. It was chaos before Christmas. I and my ex partner always do Christmas together, this year we had his parents and mine. So, a lot to do, many late nights in preparation and shuttling between his house and mine.

It all went well and people enjoyed. Except me. Not in an ungrateful way but it was really hard work, my son behaved appallingly and I made a gaffe to my ex partner’s dad to end the evening. The last is typical of me! So on my way home, I said as much to my mum, who I am close to.

One thing led to another and the next thing is she is screaming at me. She;

  • kept jabbing me in the chest with her finger
  • parodied and mocked how I talk. You know, when people spiteful mimic?
  • screamed at me that since the day I was born I exhausted and drained her
  • threw a pint of water over me at close range
  • told me she doesn’t care about anyone or anything

This is not the first time she’s lost it with me. I did not scream, shout or threaten her. At one stage I did say I can’t believe she does this and (this was very wrong) that most of the time she’s lovely then acts like a cold hearted bitch. She really can be night and day...

The thing is, usually, I forgive and get on with it but I am heartbroken this time.

I tried to make this Christmas so special and feel my favourite time of the year has been ruined. I just don’t seem to be able to get over it.

I have to go to hers for New Year’s because I don’t want to deprive my son who is looking forward to it. But I’m dreading it. So, I’m looking for advice on next steps, please? And honest thoughts, including if I am just being overly sensitive.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 28/12/2019 13:59

You do NOT have to go to hers for New Year!! You won't deprive your son of anything! Don't go! Don't see her! This is abusive, disgusting and unforgivable...if it's been going on years, you may not realise.

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 15:08

Unfortunately I do. It’s a massive family thing that my son loves. It would be a massive blow to him.

It’s unpredictable when she does it. Mostly due to me triggering her. She’s lovely in between and I feel so guilty for writing this about her.

OP posts:
APatchyTomCat · 28/12/2019 15:10

More fool you then, I’d not be in the same postcode as someone who through water over me for a very long time.

anotherdisaster · 28/12/2019 15:12

I'm sorry OP but she does not sound lovely. I know she's your mum but she is being violent with you!! I struggle to see how you can be close if she does this to you. I'm not sure what to suggest but I wouldn't personally want to be around such a toxic person (mother or not). I hope your son never witnesses this awful behaviour.

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2019 15:13

Early dementia? Mental health problem or psychosis?

Fightingmycorner2019 · 28/12/2019 15:16

Fuck me that’s an upsetting thing to read
And there is a lot of upsetting stuff on here

I would stay well away as without an apology or explanation that’s pretty unforgivable OP

Make other plans for NYE and do some
Thinking
Is this a one off or part of a longer pattern of behaviour ?

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 15:18

One thing I have never been is a fool. I’m feeling pretty low at the moment so just bear that in mind.

I don’t want to go. I’m well aware of her rage. She has been ill and in pain for a number of years and is incredibly angry about that.

This one made me sit back and validate a lot of her actions.

I guess I have my answer that this is not acceptable on any level, and I’m not being unduly sad about it

What a mess

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 28/12/2019 15:22

So on my way home, I said as much to my mum, who I am close to. One thing led to another and the next thing is she is screaming at me.

I dont really understand how you saying your son behaved badly and you made a gaffe led to this

What do you mean one thing led to another?

user1497997754 · 28/12/2019 15:26

She is abusive that is very bad and you should not go and take your son .....if you go you will only validating her behaviour she needs to understand there are consequences to her actions....big hugs for you

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 15:31

Can you drop him off and stay somewhere else, make an excuse. Not a hope in hell I would go if I was you. Your mother sounds very unstable.

You seem to be accepting a lot if blame. What do you mean you triggered her?

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 15:42

To fill in the escalation part:

She got angry that I was disappointed claiming that I was never satisfied. Me defending myself just escalated the row. I should have gone to bed.

I swore in front of my ex partner’s very conservative dad. We were playing a game and it slipped out. He was not impressed.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 28/12/2019 15:59

This is massively abusive.

And so what if you swore in your own home. You are an adult and can do as you please.

Your mother is horre sous for treating you this way, and as another PP said, anyone who threw water over me at close range and purposefully, would not be welcome within the vicinity of me or my home for a very long time.

You can break this cycle and it starts by sticking two fingers up at NYE and doing your own thing. Your son will thank you in the long run, believe me.

richteasandcheese · 28/12/2019 16:14

You swore in front of another adult? If his ears cant take a festive fuck then the issue is his, not yours

As for your mother, does she have MS? It sounds like she's been emotionally abusing you for years, that you feel the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt cycle)
She poured a pint over you......do not let her continue to bully you. Tell your son a fib if you have to but fuck her and her new years celebration - she doesn't deserve your presence.

Lllot5 · 28/12/2019 16:19

I never understand why you have to be friends with your ex and his parents ffs I could have told you it’d end up in a row.
Tell your ex fil to fuck off you’ll say what you like.
Stop being such a walk over.
Look after yourself and your son everyone else can get to fuck.

angstinabaggyjumper · 28/12/2019 16:21

Was she physically abusive when you were a child?

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 16:48

I am certainly not a walkover. More that I’ve just got on with it.

Was she physically abusive? Not often. Though she chased me through the house hitting me in rage when I was about 10.

It may seem odd to you all but until recently I just thought it was something I had done to cause it.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 28/12/2019 17:10

She doesn't deserve your forgiveness.
Your DS will enjoy NYE if he spends it with you. Create some traditions - film, snacks, games, party poppers, fizzy drink to toast the NY etc.
Then think seriously about how you want your relationship with your Mother to change. If you can't stand up to her now, and tell her that she behaved unacceptably, you never will.

Elieza · 28/12/2019 17:13

Sounds like your mums got mental health issues. Perhaps undiagnosed. She sounds like she’s unpredictable.

Can you go and see her before to discuss what happened and tell her that however much you may have disappointed her that her bullying if you is inappropriate and unacceptable. It was physical assault and if a stranger did that to you in say a pub you would have been calling the police. Just because you know her doesn’t make it ok to throw water on you or hurt you. See what she says, if she is sorry etc. If not I would be going nc with her. Is she to be trusted around your son? If so can your son go to the party with your sister or brother or someone instead of you? I’d not be darkening her door myself unless she apologised. It’s a shame she’s in so much pain but lashing out at random relatives in a wild overreaction isn’t the way to go. If your child can’t go to the party with a relative I’d drop him off and pick him up but I wouldn’t be attending myself. I’d be pulling the ‘im not welcome as my mother attacked me and poured water all over me, so I’m not going near her until she apologises’ routine if anyone asked why I wasn’t there myself. Stand up for yourself. She’s the bitch, not you.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:16

Do you want your son to think this kind of behaviour is normal? To blame himself if it's done to him? To think he's entitled to do it to others?

Do you do this to people?

Treacletoots · 28/12/2019 17:24

Another individual waking up to the signs that their difficult parent IS abusive and that it wasn't their fault that's how their parent behaved towards them.

I strongly suggest you check out the Stately Homes threads which you will find incredibly enlightening and helpful. Flowers

Your mother's behaviour is emotional and physical abuse. That's not OK, under any circumstances and you need to take steps to keep this individual away from your DC too. It seems the F O G is just starting to lift. (fear obligation guilt)

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 17:28

No I don’t do that - how come you ask?. And my son witnessed none of it.

I appreciate the time people have taken to reply.

Don’t think that because I wrote for advice for what next that I am somehow a walkover. She was out on her ass the next day. It’s more I don’t seem to be able to get over it that’s frustrating. Based on this I’m probably not ready to speak with her yet so NYE is off for me.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:33

So he was in a different location being cared for by someone else? And you picked him up dry and perfectly calm?

Or he was in a different room? And all this happened in silence? The water dried before you left the room? You experienced no emotional response? There was no tension?

What do you mean he didn't witness it?

45andfine · 28/12/2019 17:46

Hold onto the fact that you are NEVER responsible for someone else's actions. They choose them. They must then accept responsibility for them, you don't make excuses for them.

Think hard about what your boundaries are for your Mum, what you'll accept, what you won't. Then tell her how she has hurt you.
Then move on.

She is obviously in pain physical or emotional, offer to help her deal with this maybe?

Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 18:02

I am not sure why you are rounding on me here? He was at his Dad’s. This happened at mine. I am exceptionally good at keeping my feelings to myself and joined in all the Boxing Day activities. He has not a clue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee8115 · 28/12/2019 18:04

45andfine. This seems sound, and it occurred to me. A bit more time and I will look into it. She refuses help but perhaps this will make her think?

OP posts: