Please help. What do I do now?

[Bumblebee8115]

Firstly, I am here because I need help and am pretty devastated. However, I want the objectivity of lots of opinions so I can work out what best to do.

As a starter for ten, a bit of context. I work full time and have a reasonably demanding job. It was chaos before Christmas. I and my ex partner always do Christmas together, this year we had his parents and mine. So, a lot to do, many late nights in preparation and shuttling between his house and mine.

It all went well and people enjoyed. Except me. Not in an ungrateful way but it was really hard work, my son behaved appallingly and I made a gaffe to my ex partner’s dad to end the evening. The last is typical of me! So on my way home, I said as much to my mum, who I am close to.

One thing led to another and the next thing is she is screaming at me. She;

• kept jabbing me in the chest with her finger
• parodied and mocked how I talk. You know, when people spiteful mimic?
• screamed at me that since the day I was born I exhausted and drained her
• threw a pint of water over me at close range
• told me she doesn’t care about anyone or anything

This is not the first time she’s lost it with me. I did not scream, shout or threaten her. At one stage I did say I can’t believe she does this and (this was very wrong) that most of the time she’s lovely then acts like a cold hearted bitch. She really can be night and day...

The thing is, usually, I forgive and get on with it but I am heartbroken this time.

I tried to make this Christmas so special and feel my favourite time of the year has been ruined. I just don’t seem to be able to get over it.

I have to go to hers for New Year’s because I don’t want to deprive my son who is looking forward to it. But I’m dreading it. So, I’m looking for advice on next steps, please? And honest thoughts, including if I am just being overly sensitive.

Definitely don't go to theirs on New Year's Eve. Plan something fun for you and your son. Keep your distance from her until she apologises.

Can I just say a huge thank you to you all. There is a lot of thought provoking stuff here and it’s really helped me to start getting a plan in place. I really do appreciate it.

A difficult one here because of your DS. If it were me - I would go , be cool with Mum and wait until the New Year to decide what to do.

@Bumblebee8115

Hugs, your mum is abusive. I know this as I have a mother like this too. You have not caused it and you have not triggered her. She triggers herself. I sympathise as I have just waved my own mum off at the airport. My jaw is in unbearable pain due to the teeth grinding I do when she is around. I understand where you are coming from-all of it.
Read up on FOG and living with an emotionally abusive parent. I have not gone no contact as that tends to trigger narcissists even more (and my father who I love dearly is ill) but I am as low contact these days as I can get away with.
I’m saying this gently, but your son is picking up on more than you realise. I never thought that mine did as I haven’t taught him my mother tongue (to shield him) but he asked my husband at bedtime why “nanny was always mean to mummy and making her sad”.

It's very easy for a swear word to skipmout in the excitement etc of playing a game - if your fil can't understand that and give a pass, he's a real stick in the mud, pole up the arse, takes himself (and things generally) far too seriously. It's extremely minor, don't let him make you feel bad about it, you sound far too hard in yourself.

As for your mum's reaction to you having a little vent about how much effort you put into Christmas and how you were disappointed by your son's behaviour, by your little gaffe (which shouldn't have been an issue anyway) .... Completely and utterly bizarre, extreme and abusive.

Agree with pp about her having mental health problems/being abusive etc. Seems like you've been raised with this and therefore (naturally) have become conditioned to think it's not that bad, or is is justified or us your fault; it's not.

Could anyone else take your son to the family gathering.

*slip out

OP your mums behaviour is absolutely appalling. She is completely abusive. Your earlier posts on this thread make me wonder if you know this, or if you have been conditioned to think her outbursts are ok.
You don’t have to go on NYE. Don’t put yourself below everyone else

OP if she turns down your offer of help, or listening ear, that again is her choice and one which she must live with. Until you put your boundaries in place she will continue to transfer her pain and anger to you. It's not easy stepping away, but you have a son to protect.❤️.

' It’s more I don’t seem to be able to get over it that’s frustrating.'

It's only been a few days! Maybe because you've grown to think this is just the way life/she is, you expect to be able to shrug and get over it. To people not quite as acclimatised to this behaviour, we might never get over it, or it would certainly take more than a few days!

I think you have low self esteem- you say her behaviour is because you trigger her etc, then you were anxious about having slightly said something your ex's father didn't like. I think a childhood of walking on eggshells with her has made you anxious around people, for fear that you'll do something 'wrong,' and overly self critical. I kind of know what that's like.

Low self esteem can make you feel anxious and down. Do you feel depressed? Perhaps you could see a doctor and look at medication or therapy. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your responses, just that you sound very down on yourself and you don't have to feel that way- there are things that can help.

As to her, you need to make it clear this isn't ok, and you need to protect yourself. I wouldn't go to the NYE thing, it would make me too anxious.

Abuse is a choice.

You can't help her, only she can choose to change for herself.

You can break the cycle for the next generation. Because as others have observed you speak about this like someone who has been conditioned for a long time to accept it as normal and something you are responsible for causing when she kicks off - which is not true.

Her "anger" is manufactured to keep you in line, doing what she wants. It's classic coercive control, not an anger management or mental health issue you can help her with.

Interestedwoman speaks a lot of sense. You talk like a traumatised survivor of chronic abuse. Both the Freedom Programme (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk) and the Stately Homes thread on here may help you make sense of the dynamics behind her behaviour.

Oh my days, this is so similar to my current situation with my mum. Effectively we get on really well most of the time, but then every couple of years there's some appalling behaviour on her part that I ultimately end up forgiving because she simply never ever acknowledges any error on her part and never ever apologises. So to keep the peace I back down.

It's never anything massive, but over the years (I'm now 40s with 2 DC's) I've got so tired of it. This time I simply won't hand out the olive branch. So now we haven't spoken for months. Over something that, in the grand scheme of things, was quite small. But it's always quite small.

So the point of my rambling is, that it's ok to say enough is enough. That the negatives outweigh the positives, and to draw a line under it. I'm slowly accepting my mum isn't the nice person I want her to be. She isn't the type of mum I'd like others to think her, or the type of mum I ever want to be.

And that's ok. I hope you can work things out, but it's ok to hold out because her behaviour was unreasonable. And to expect an apology. And to not move forward without one. It is not an unreasonable request. And if she can't bring herself to recognise that her behaviour was appalling and that you deserve an apology, then that says a lot about her character and your relationship. If she can't do that to move forward with her relationship with her child. I hope some of this makes sense.

She was outrageous! Definitely don’t go to the New Years thing, in the grand scheme of things it’s not going to have a massive impact on your son so long as you arrange something treat ish for the pair of you to do instead.

If he asks why, just say that you and grandma had an argument. I think it’s really important to be honest with kids. I’m sure my mum thought she was good at hiding her feelings and that I didn’t know what was going on around me, but honestly, kids know.