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Original poster

How to let online date know that it is okay for him to change his mind about meeting me.

43 replies

notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:16

I had an online date booked for yesterday and it would have been our first meeting. He cancelled on the same day however as he has gone away.

We have now rearranged for another day - well it was between a particular day and another one. I said yes to the particular day and asked if we would meet in the same place as we had planned to for the original date.

This message hasn’t been answered yet and I get the distinct impression that at this stage he is feeling obliged to meet up with me because he said yes initially.

The potential date is tomorrow - I was thinking of messaging in the morning and asking him if it is still on but also saying that it’s okay to leave it if he prefers? Not sure how to word it.

The last thing I want is to meet up with someone who just feels obliged to be there.

OP posts:
Glitterb · 28/12/2019 10:17

I would leave him to contact you tbh

partysong · 28/12/2019 10:18

I would just ignore the messages, he if plans fo come he will message you to chase it. Just plan not to go unless you hear from HIM otherwise

StealthPussy · 28/12/2019 10:19

It’s simple. Leave it. If he’s bothered he will make it happen. If he doesn’t contact you he’s not worth knowing.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/12/2019 10:23

In order:

1 He's a grown up, let him make his own decisions.

2 That said, if he's not replied by 6pm, then I'd assume you aren't meeting. Don't go, don't message him. Don't hold yourself in limbo, waiting on him. Crack on with your own life.

3 He's bailed once - on the day. He's not replied. I suspect he's playing games.

JoJoSM2 · 28/12/2019 10:26

I agree. Leave it to him. If he wants to meet up he will.

Proudownerofplants · 28/12/2019 10:30

Same as PPs. Assume it's off unless you hear otherwise pretty soon. He was ok to cancel quite last minute so is capable of making his own decisions re meeting this time. If you get another invitation for tonight, I would take it rather than wait as he hasn't confirmed. Its not personal at such an early stage.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2019 10:33

Have you done much OLD? Unfortunately there are a lot of people who behave like this, messing you about and letting you down at the last minute. I would assume that this date is now off, and cast your net a little wider.

Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:38

No it would be my first online date.

I agree with everyone and also feel as if the date is off.

However, my last message to him was - okay - I agreed to the date (one of which he had suggested) and time, and my only question was if we should meet in the same place as was suggested for the last date.

I am worried that if I don’t turn up tomorrow morning (when it is planned for), he might be there, as he might have construed my last message as the final arranging one?

OP posts:
Proudownerofplants · 28/12/2019 10:42

No harm in sending a follow up to check but it would be a bit unusual for him not to confirm and still turn up.

If you do message, just ask whether you're still on for tomorrow, don't start mentioning that he can cancel if he likes, you can assume this if no reply or a further delay. And yes, keep looking!

cosytoaster · 28/12/2019 10:44

Don't give it a second thought OP. You asked him a question in your last message which he hasn't answered so it's his hard luck if he does turn up (which I v much doubt he will).
Agree with PP that this kind of nonsense is fairly common in OLD.

Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:46

Thanks.

Agree with PP that this kind of nonsense is fairly common in OLD. - why do people do it - seem to be interested and then become flakey. Why seem to be interested at all if they aren’t really?

OP posts:
Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:47

(And in any case if I ever do get together with a new person (am divorced), I would need someone who is reliable and kind. Not this.)

OP posts:
loutypips · 28/12/2019 10:48

Ah your first OLD! Unfortunately, as you will soon find, most men on OLD sites enjoy all the chasing and chatting, they'll ask you out and as soon as you say yes they disappear, never to be heard of again!

Justaordinarybloke · 28/12/2019 10:53

Are you 100% sure he's single?

Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:55

I guess they can’t cope with real flesh and blood people?

In this case I asked him if we could meet which makes me feel even more as if his heart is/was not in it even though he said yes. However he did message me in the middle of the week and the (original) date seemed to be still on as he referred to it. I think he seems flakey.

It’s a shame because he seemed sweet, though I have no idea if we would have hit it off in real life.

Added to which, I think it’s a bit rude to leave so much time before answering a confirming place message, even if he does eventually answer it?

OP posts:
Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 10:57

Are you 100% sure he's single?

Well no - how can anyone be sure I guess? Everything he was saying would lead me to believe he is however.

I think meeting a real person with needs is probably a lot more daunting than chatting briefly online? Or he may be chatting to someone else he is more interested in. He also lives quite far away and maybe it seems like too much effort.

It would be better if he just sent me a message to call it all off however.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/12/2019 11:06

Why seem to be interested at all if they aren’t really?

Omg, so many reasons! Here are a few:

  1. they are "dipping their toe" into dating to see what's out there
  2. they enjoy the flirting and affirmation of their own attractiveness
  3. they are married/partnered but still want to prove they could pull 4)they are only looking for casual sex, but know of they say it outright then most women will be put off. So they chat with women and try to gauge how likely sex is on the first date - if it seems like a sure thing, they'll go on a date, if it's not they'll get vague/drift away
  4. they have used very old/someone else's pics and now feel nervous about meeting in person
  5. ^ related to this one - they have told lies about themselves and enjoyed the fantasy but never intended to meet up
  6. they were simply hoping to get some phone sex / nude pics for free
  7. they have a "kid in a sweetshop" mentality and always think there's someone better out there
  8. they are chatting to /seeing several people at once, and they have a preferred candidate but want to keep you on the back boiler.

...thats just nine off the top of my head! I'm sure you can think of others.

When it comes to OLD, the rules are :

Don't get overinvested
Meet early on for a brief, low stakes coffee
Don't assume anything they tell you is necessarily true
Pay attention to your gut
Don't let them dick you around.

Best of luck, OP

Proudownerofplants · 28/12/2019 11:20

It would be better if he just sent me a message to call it all off however.

And welcome to online dating! This is soooooo often the case. The problem is that engagement is so low in the early stages that even basic politeness doesn't feel like an obligation as sloping off is much easier (I have been guilty of this too although I try not to and wouldn't leave someone hanging like this). The emotional effect on the other person just doesn't occur as I think you assume they are equally uninvolved at that point.

80sstyle · 28/12/2019 11:23

He has probably disappeared. If you really want to check in case he turns up, you could text him today something like, I haven’t heard from you so not sure it’s still on?

LazyDaisey · 28/12/2019 11:29

Don’t text again. Your last message was clear. He won’t turn up. IF he was planning on turning up, he’d now send another message along lines of oh sorry just seen your message... yes, was thinking the same place and are you still free to meet up?

And what you then do is say no, I’ve made other plans (because you’re obv plan B for him) but I’m free at x. And that’s his last chance. You’ve already chased him up. His turn now.

Lampan · 28/12/2019 12:01

This has happened to me. He did message the night before confirming it was still on. I think he just thought there wasn’t a lot of point continuing to message when we had plans to meet, which I guess I understand. Just assume it’s off unless you hear otherwise.

Teensandfuture · 28/12/2019 12:25

If OLD guy would cancel 1st date, I wouldn't ever agree to 2nd attempt to 1st date. It's just not on. Don't invest in something that isn't there at all, move on to the next one.

Original poster
notkeen111 · 28/12/2019 17:32

Thanks for the messages.

Yes I guess people don’t realise they are messing others around and who knows what they have going on in their lives?

OP posts:
loutypips · 28/12/2019 17:48

I think they don't care. They are getting their kicks, and they don't give a flying f about the other person.
Don't lose hope though! There are a very small amount of decent men out there. I was lucky enough to find one.

HollowTalk · 28/12/2019 17:49

This is the sort of guy you want