Depressed partner

[daldog63]

Hi All, I wonder if anyone can enlighten me?
My fiancee (we're due to get married next September) has recently told me not to contact her. She has not had the easiest of lives and at the moment seems to be going through a bout of depression. This manifests itself in muted anger towards me. I am far from perfect I admit but I try to be as caring and loving as possible. Recently though i seem to be unable to do anything right. For example, I asked to take her to two appointments at her local hospital recently, both quite intrusive, painful and embarrassing for her. She initially declined not wanting the fuss but I insisted, particularly as she took tarmazepan on the second visit and I was concerned about her driving. I tried to show concern without fussing, as she did not want this. A few dys later she criticised me for taking her and for not being 'connected emotionally' to her following the appointment. I apologised and asked what I could do to be better. I don't recall getting an answer I could work with. She has been increasingly critical over the last few weeks, not helped by her going through the menopause. It came to a head yesterday when I walked out of her home (she said she wanted to be alone). I couldn't take more of her criticism. I have recently bought a home for us, one she loves. My house will be sold soon and I will have 6 weeks before I can move. Plan was to move in with her then I move into our home until her son was settled in the hopefully near future. I love her and she loves me (I hope) but at the moment I don't know if she will ever contact me again, she is adamant she doesn't want to hear from me, whether we will get married (I need to tell my family if we aren't, and i have booked everything), if she will live with me (the house is in a very quiet area, 100 miles away from my family and friends - she has no family beyond her son and no close friends). Should I just give it some time then contact her, if so how long, do I do as she requests and never contact her again? Last time we spoke it was hard to get any answers to our future beyond me being told not to text, write, or call. Sorry if this post is a little disjointed, my head is fried, not sleeping, can't concentrate... If anybody can help I'd be grateful. If there's any other info you think would clarify the situation please ask. Thank you.

I think you need to give her space. Pushing this isn't going to help. It sounds like she is having serious second thoughts (from the way you describe her behaviour, you ought to be having second thoughts too). I would stop pursuing her. Leave her to it, don't contact her.

You're probably right about not pushing it. I'm not sure about having second thoughts though. There's a lot of love there that's bottled up. I feel sometimes she feels guilty about being happy. Almost as if she doesn't deserve it. I feel she loves me (these things can't be quantified, but I trust her and that's good enough for me), To walk away would be throwing away something too good, I will fight if I can to keep us together. But I need to know, is her depression so strong to drive her away from me? Thank you for replying to the post, I value all input.

Do you know what has caused her depression?

Did she have an abusive childhood or abusive adult relationships?

Does she have any other MH issues?

If her depression is long term, has she had counselling?

Does self sabotage if things are going too good for her?

How is her self esteem and confidence?

Depression is a tricky thing to define, people act in differing ways.

She may be feeling overwhelmed with everything.

Personally I would give her space and just send a text saying you are there for her.

It is a difficult situation for you to be in. Menopause and depression, a double whammy.

i went there this evening.self sabotage seems to fit the situation. the uncertainty was too much for me so its a cancelled weeding i'm afraid. thank you for your advice nevertheless.

'You're probably right about not pushing it. I'm not sure about having second thoughts though. There's a lot of love there that's bottled up. I feel sometimes she feels guilty about being happy. Almost as if she doesn't deserve it. I feel she loves me (these things can't be quantified, but I trust her and that's good enough for me), To walk away would be throwing away something too good, I will fight if I can to keep us together. But I need to know, is her depression so strong to drive her away from me? Thank you for replying to the post, I value all input.'

You seem to be 'mindreading.' Hardly any of this is what she's said, it's just your assumptions/beliefs about her motives and feelings. A lot of it is almost the opposite of what she's saying to you.

You say there's a lot of love there you psychically mindread is there, when in fact she's said she's had enough.

This may be part of why she feels you can't connect. You aren't actually listening to her, you're assuming she feels certain things.

Part of it is the opposite of reality- like your in denial.

I would just take her at her word, as that's actually most of what you have to go on. Maybe she'll be back, but that has to be her move perhaps.

IDK if she's even said she's depressed, you said she 'seems to be' to make you feel better about what's happening by reading it as something other than what it is.

i can only go on what she has told me and how she has behaved.

How long have you even together? What's your relationship like with her son?

been not even...

Does t seem to have been a good idea to move in together really?

It looks like she needs some space. I suggest you cancel the wedding and finish it. That means she isn't under any pressure. If she wants you back, and it's something you want then discuss but in the meantime you now have a joint house together which is tricky.

@Interestedwoman I totally agree- 'I think', 'there seems', 'I feel'....your making assumptions OP- take her at her word for now and give her space?

I'm sorry things haven't gone to plan for you, moving house, a wedding, all of these are massive life moves and must be horrendous to retract on and change- but if she really doesn't want these things for you both now I'm afraid you have to respect that decision-

They are also overwhelming changes if shes suffering with her MH right now, instead of trying to read her mind and decide what's best for her, listen to her?

It's also a bit concerning that she's asked you not to contact her in any way and you seem to be trying to justify your 'fight' for your relationship by putting it down to her 'mental health conditions' stopping her...?

Obviously we only have your side of the situation here, but I'm slightly worried your on here looking for some sort of back up on your actions?

My relationship with her son was good. I followed my heart and went there last night. Her engaement ring was missing and my belongings were in the hall. In the end I forced a reaction. That reaction was an end to our relationship. I amde the comment that currently she seemed to despise me. That was enough for her to react. much more went on and was said, much of which didn't make sense. I expected some anger for turning up, and I apologised and explained that I, I agree selfishly, needed to do so for my own state of mind. But I didn't expect how intense that anger would be. Even though my visit was unexpected. Couldn't get a better indicator really. The house was to be paid for by me. She lived in a rented home. And she seemed as keen and excited about our wedding as me. She had made yards of garland and decorations for the event. She spent Xmas with me and my family. Whatever triggered thsi has happened in the last few weeks. She does suffer from depression and she is suffering greatly with the menopause. I have asked her to make the necessary cancellation for the lighthouse (we were to be married in) registrar, and accomodation as its too much of an emotional burden for me. She is just angry, I am desperately sad, so I assume, rightly or wrongly, this will be an easier task for her. I have to find somewhere to live in the next two weeks else i will have no home, I also have to decide whether to continue the process of buying a home in a place far away from family and friends that reminds me of what I lost. I hope that makes sense.I am very tired, upset, and bewildered at the moment so apologies if it doesnt

I'm so sorry - this is very sad and painful. To see the future you planned go up in smoke is devastating.

It may be wise not to buy the house - I agree it will reinforce painful memories. Perhaps take some of the money and take yourself on a holiday somewhere you can detach yourself from the situation and recover somewhat.
If this is how she is feeling, you have to accept that it's not going to work out.

Not to upset you... but you do seem to be placing a lot of importance on the fact you were going to pay for the home. It doesn't really matter who was paying for it - either she loves you or she doesn't: you weren't going to buy her love or loyalty by buying her a place.

No i dont require back up for my actions I wanted an insight into what was going on. I hoped that someone has experience in this and I could learn form them. i'm deeply aware that i only present one side of an argument and that may be skewed. i am an intuitive person and can sense when something is wrong. in this case i think i was correct and while going there when told to stay away was impulsive and disrespectful my feelings that something was amiss were so intense i felt compelled to break that boundary. in retrospect i did the right thing (no engagement ring and belongings in the hall even though i was not expected) as not doing so was just delaying the inevitable and prolonging the agony. to see someone go from being so deeply loving and caring in a few short weeks to angry, critical, and withdrawn is confusing and upsetting. she admitted she suffered with depression (her family has a history of scizophenia and violence on the male side) and she was trying to get HRT for the menopause as it had become too much for her. I wish i could have gone there consoled her, told her it would be all ok and how she felt would pass but it wasn't to be. I was told that my good morning texts were oppressive, that my mid week visits were unwelcome (two hours on a wednesday, leaving at 8:30 and taking her food that I had made for her to take to work the following day), etc. I was told everything we did was what i wanted. honestly, it wasnt. But then again you only have my side of the story so understand your cynicism. I try to be a decent man, though definitely not perfect. and compared to previous partners stories I may be selfish and thoughtless but i'm not violent, do not want to control or manipulate, and would never abondon my responsibilities. i'm not trying to paint myself as unblameable, whatever i've done has contributed to this. i wish it were as simple as her having found someone else at least then it would make more sense.

thank you blackswan. your words are much appreciated.
I had to pay for the home as i am in a good situation to do so. unfortuantely she wasnt but that wasnt a proble, though she did see it as an issue at time. i did refer to it as our home, though she did keep saying it was 'my house' (meaning mine). i didnt want thati wanted our home. to the extent i pormised that all decisions concerning it would be joint. I had prepared to change my will to ensure whe would remain there and that only when she wasnt would it pass to my nieces. i wanted her to be secure and feel loved (its really hard wroting this). she said last night that she thought there was an ulterior motive for me marrying her. i asked what that could be. she had no answer. she has little money so its not for that. i told her my only reason was love, what other reason can there be? i left her last night still not believing that was the truth no matter how much i tried to prove to her. you cant believe how much that hurts me.

If you 'forced' a reaction (concerning?) how did you expect that to go? Nicely?

You 'following your heart' was you basically doing what you wanted against her expressed wishes for you not to 'turn up unexpectedly'- ?
How is any of this helping your situation?

thank you sonetlumiere for you words.
it is huge mess, and my inclination is to fix things. i have tried and failed to fix this.i am unable to get past her anger, and last night sent a barrage of texts to catharticise my anger (they weren't abusive, just a mixed up jumble of words trying to make sense of all this) but i'm sure they were annoying. im ashamed and embarrasased about that. i also dropped her belongings at her garden as i couldnt bear to look at them. i know these are childish immature actions but i'm just rying to cope. she has also rung this morning as i left a message on her answerphone to please read an email (written in a calmer moment and comprising of everything i had texted - nothing at all horrible in there i made this pretty clear) so she wouldnt be burdened with reading those texts and hopefully providing a better parting that would make both of us feel better (if that were possible) about the situation. Sadly i couldnt get beyond her anger and she said she would read nothing or help by cancelling the registrar etc, i have to accept this, i dont want her to feel angry and i cant take any more of it directed at me.

hi taddda, i forced the result once i haad realised the ring/belongings situation. how would you interpret that? to me it was clear that our parting was inevitable (she didnt want to be married and live apart, she told me that, but when i said i would move in with her and we would get married and buy a home when her son was settled providing a solution, she backed down on her wanting to be married and together). it was forced (her words) when i said i felt that she despised me. thats how i felt. i had had a constant barrage of anger and criticism for half an hour so it was understandable to feel like this. basically it gave her an excuse to be even angrier and provided the catalyst to destroying the relationship once and for all.
if i hadnt had turned up this would have just gone on and on. i would have crumbled. as i said it was disrespectful, i admit that, but under the circumstances, they were exceptional, she just didn't want a few days to herself, there was more to this and i was right (again -ring/belongings in hall). do you know though, i wish i hadnt had been right.

Hi Tadda, your earlier post mentioned reading her mind. I had to do some of this because she would not tell me what was wrong, except in anger. i would ask if she was ok, my reply, every time, was 'im ok, are you ok?' if we had been able to talk calmly we may have bbenable to resolve it. its too late now.

She’s asked you not to contact her and you’ve texted her, left answerphone messages, turned up at her house...

Why couldn’t you have given her the space she needed to clear her head? I don’t agree with the other poster saying you can hold your head high knowing you’ve done nothing wrong. You haven’t even given her a day without contacting her.

Time to gently walk away now then OP? Take some time out, have some rest- no more contact for now and come back to this with a clearer head- perhaps some time with your family/friends and someone to discuss your way forward in this objectively-

(I'd also like to say that I'd think myself as quite intuitive- it does not however give me the right in anyway to do someone else's thinking for them. That's not intuition, that's controlling)

This sounds like you knew it was over and didn’t want to drag it out so took steps to contact, understand, explain your side with her. I think in your situation I would have done the same. It’s not nice living in the unknown and being in a relationship means communicating and I think she has taken a immature route and just said don’t contact me. Any wonder you are left scratching your head. I feel sorry for you but I also agree that have done what your can in confusing circumstances. This was someone you were due to marry, you have a lot invested in this relationship and it’s hard to let go.

Just leave it now and know that even though she didn’t want contact as an adult in a relationship being vague on why you don’t want to continue wasn’t very fair on you.

You definitely need to respect her wishes and leave her be now. Do you think she meant your ulterior motive in wanting to marry her was about control? Reading between the lines of her saying it felt like it was 'your' house and you subsequently promising to involve her more in decisions gives the impression of someone who rides roughshod over what she wants and is a bit insensitive, possibly controlling. I can see why that would lead to anger on her part, if that's true.
Your going round there when she expressly told you not to is another example of that.
I think you need to chalk this one up to experience and move on.