Depressed partner

[daldog63]

Hi All, I wonder if anyone can enlighten me?
My fiancee (we're due to get married next September) has recently told me not to contact her. She has not had the easiest of lives and at the moment seems to be going through a bout of depression. This manifests itself in muted anger towards me. I am far from perfect I admit but I try to be as caring and loving as possible. Recently though i seem to be unable to do anything right. For example, I asked to take her to two appointments at her local hospital recently, both quite intrusive, painful and embarrassing for her. She initially declined not wanting the fuss but I insisted, particularly as she took tarmazepan on the second visit and I was concerned about her driving. I tried to show concern without fussing, as she did not want this. A few dys later she criticised me for taking her and for not being 'connected emotionally' to her following the appointment. I apologised and asked what I could do to be better. I don't recall getting an answer I could work with. She has been increasingly critical over the last few weeks, not helped by her going through the menopause. It came to a head yesterday when I walked out of her home (she said she wanted to be alone). I couldn't take more of her criticism. I have recently bought a home for us, one she loves. My house will be sold soon and I will have 6 weeks before I can move. Plan was to move in with her then I move into our home until her son was settled in the hopefully near future. I love her and she loves me (I hope) but at the moment I don't know if she will ever contact me again, she is adamant she doesn't want to hear from me, whether we will get married (I need to tell my family if we aren't, and i have booked everything), if she will live with me (the house is in a very quiet area, 100 miles away from my family and friends - she has no family beyond her son and no close friends). Should I just give it some time then contact her, if so how long, do I do as she requests and never contact her again? Last time we spoke it was hard to get any answers to our future beyond me being told not to text, write, or call. Sorry if this post is a little disjointed, my head is fried, not sleeping, can't concentrate... If anybody can help I'd be grateful. If there's any other info you think would clarify the situation please ask. Thank you.

Thanks dor your reply RhubarbTea, in answer to your questions, I don't know if she thought being married had to do with me being in control. It wasn't I can assure you that, it was for love and security for both of us (at least I'd hoped so). As I had no respect for my father (my mother left him when was 4 - he was abusive) and she doted on her mum I asked if she wanted to keep her name/have a double-barreled surname/me take her name. I thought her retaining her name and me happily taking it may help with her son and to retain a memory of her mum. She questioned me whether I wanted to get married at all when I put this to her. Ok, this may have been a naive gesture on my part but there was nothing but good intention behind it. She wanted us to be man and wife with her taking my name. I can't think of any reason why I would marry her other than love.
As for giving her decision what else could I do? I'm not being marked a bad person for providing us a home. Was I supposed to leave my money in a bank and live in too small rented accommodation because... because why? If you had the money, would you like to live in a nice home, chosen by both of you (my choice was hugely influenced by her clear love for the place, I got to appreciate it more as time went on. She even spent time looking on the web for photos of it). And if so, would you say to your partner that all the decisions in that home would be taken together? Is that controlling?? If so, please tell me what wouldn't be controlling? Because I have wracked my brains and I don't know.

Hi again RhubarbTea, An update to this is that i went for a long walk yesterday and met with an old friend for a chat in the pub. In the morning She rang me (I had written a long mail trying to explain everything as clearly as I could, replacing all the disjointed texts I had sent the night before). There were just questions and explanations in the mail, nothing horrible. I called her knowing my number had been blocked and that it would go straight to voicemail, I left a message saying to please read the mail if she reads nothing else. It was cathartic for me to write and I hope provided her with some release, information, or whatever else she could derive from it. She called back saying what did I want. She must have seen the number and not gone to the message. I explained about the mail. She siad she would not read it. She got angry and put the phone down. I left it there and went out. I got a text at the pub saying she was depressed and upset and that I had forced this (please see earlier post about the ring and my belongings - this was inevitable, I forced her to do nothing) and that she was worried about her son (we had discussed this, I was as helpful as I was able and would have done anything I could to ensure her relationship with her son remained good. a few weeks ago He called me down there as she had run away from the house. I drove ther to find her crouched behind a bush, bare footed, no phone, in the freezing cold. I got her back to the house where it transpired her 6'2" son had hit her, again. I explained to him if he touched her again I would call the police. So I am aware of her relationship with her son and, while I have had to intervene, i know she is his mum and try and do everything to respect that).She said she was worried about being married and not together (we would live together only once her son was settled, I accepted that). Also she mentioned that she was wearing an engagement ring from a previous engagement and that I was not bothered about a ring for myself (i don't wear jewellery, even a watch, irritates me wearing them). She wore the ring (her suggestion) but I am aware that I should have done more and chosen one for her. My fault, I can be thoughtless at times, not helped by poor memory and concentration. she shouldnt have had to ask for one I know, but sometimes I need some guidance, i'm a stupid man sometimes, i'm fully aware of that. so they were her concerns. as for any malign reason i would want to marry her she didnt mention it.
anyway, its clearly over, ive decided to still buy the house without her. I cant get inside her head to find out what she is thinking, i can only go on what shes told me which are the ones ive written in my posts. shes clearly depressed, whether this has clouded her feelings or shes just fallen out of love with me anyway i dont know. ive asked her for honesty but i'm not sure she knows whats going on herself. i'm trying not to think about it, it hurts to think she hurts, and i miss her terribly. still love her but i need to get on with my life, thats the only decision i want, or have, control of.

Sorry OP, but you do sound a bit overbearing, if not controlling. You say that she has MH issues and is currently going through menopause, I do think that the whole house / marriage thing has overwhelmed her which has made things worse.

You forced your way into attending an (in your own words) intrusive and embarrassing medical appointment she had. That in itself is a pretty horrible thing to do and raises a red flag. How many other times have you forced your way in like that?

There were just questions and explanations in the mail, nothing horrible. I called her knowing my number had been blocked and that it would go straight to voicemail, I left a message saying to please read the mail if she reads nothing else.

Yet again, you have ignored her wishes not to contact her. Why could try you have given her at least a few days of space?

Anyway, hopefully you can just leave

God lord, leave her alone now! Everyone on this thread is telling you to step away and you show no signs of doing that. You have little to no self awareness about the impact of your behaviour on others.
Just let it go now.

hi Feminazgul, Just to clarify, I waited in the waiting room, I wasn't actually watching her having a smear! I acted as a chauffeur and emotional support. Would you have rather she driven home in pain and sedated?

Rhaubarbtea, if you read my posts you would see that I now have. She has contacted me twice and I have not responded, and don't intend to. I have indicated and accepted it's all over. it seems to me that at times many of us have issues taking in information and see only what they want to see. It's me that has to makes all the camcellations. It's me that has to tell family and friends (see my posts, she has none of either) and It's me that has to bear the financial brunt. And before you say something about the financial side of things - I don't care about that, but I would like you ta have the full story. Perhaps you should be saying to her 'stop contacting him now, leave it there, you've done enough'?

Hi Prpledaises, I now have. It is she who has contacted me, not vice versa now.

daldog it's not up to me, OR YOU, to make that decision. She didnt want you there but you ignored her wishes.

As you seemingly continue to do.

It is she who has contacted me, not vice versa now.

Yes, to tell you to leave her alone.

I would absolutely love to hear her side of all this.

You sound controlling.

I'd also like to hear her side @PurpleDaisies