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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do

41 replies

Question1245 · 28/12/2019 05:39

Married and pregnant. Husband decided to go out drinking which caused an argument.
He came home at 5am and got into bed after saying he would sleep in spare room. I pulled duvet off him and pulled pillow from under his head and told him to sleep in spare room. This went on for a few minutes until he pushed me out of the bed onto the floor and when I got back into the bed he lightly put his hand on my neck and said is this what you want me to do stop pushing me.
We are generally very happy, very close and he is a good husband. Absoloutely horrified this has happened. I take responsibility for my immature actions which are unlike me, it is and excuse but my hormones are everywhere and I was furious with him.
Am I silly to stay, was it not that bad, I just need some point of view to help me understand what I should do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 05:39

Also should mention name changed for this post.

OP posts:
Sofacat · 28/12/2019 05:46

He put his hand on your throat Angry . This is so dangerous for you op , I would seriously think about the future of your relationship, no decent person , not even when drunk, would do this.

Please look after yourself.

Sofacat · 28/12/2019 05:47

And don’t blame yourself, you are not responsible for his actions- this is NOT your fault.

thewigglewalk · 28/12/2019 05:51

He put his hand on your throat and threatened you? This is a deal breaker, especially as you are pregnant. I would get out...have you somewhere safe to go?

happytobeheresparkl · 28/12/2019 05:52

Has your husband ever been violent before ???

I think I his response is awful but to be honest you're action could also be classed as this, and I think you can see that. Having said that he should never ever be putting his hands round your throat and when he's sober you need to be making it very clear should he ever behave this was again he'll be packing his bags and leaving for good.

You also need to accept responsibility I'd apologise to him for your actions but make it clear his response was not acceptable but if I was you I wouldn't push him this far again when he's had a drink as if he's an otherwise calm person alcohol may not be good for him ..

Frenchw1fe · 28/12/2019 05:55

Well he's not a good husband is he.
Do not blame yourself he made the decision to both physically and verbally threaten you.
You need to make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable.

There will be a lot more stress and argument once you have a baby, how will he deal with it?

Sofacat · 28/12/2019 05:56

You also need to accept responsibility

This is so wrong- there is never ever an excuse for anyone putting their hand on someone’s throat- EVER.

Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 05:59

He has never been violent towards me whatsoever. I know this seems a ridiculous thing to say as sounds like I'm completely dismissing it but his hand was lightly on my throat, almost no pressure.
I can only assume he was doing it in a "why are you trying to push me to this" he had also said a few times to leave him alone etc and I carried on pulling away his pillow.
I'm so embarrassed at myself.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 28/12/2019 06:01

@happytobeheresparkl pulling a pillow and duvet from a drunk man is hardly the same as a physical threat and quite honestly you're victim blaming because a man can't take alcohol! He shouldn't drink then!

crankysaurus · 28/12/2019 06:14

How far pregnant are you? Could you have been injured being pushed out of bed (and should you get a check with your midwife?) That's as much of a deal breaker as the throat thing to me and twice he's wanted to either hurt you or threatened that he could hurt you.

BlackSwan · 28/12/2019 06:17

It's over. Do not stay with this bastard. What an utter cunt.

Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 06:23

I'm in nearing the end of my first trimester, physically I'm now absoloutely fine I'm not in pain and no alarm bells around pregnancy being harmed.

OP posts:
snoopy18 · 28/12/2019 06:23

It’s very common for men to get aggressive during pregnancy apparently - Midwife asked me in every appointment a or how things were at home.

This is just the beginning it’s got red flags on it fully.

Who on earth pushes a pregnant woman out of bed & then basically threatens you?

There are absolutely no excuses it’s disgusting behaviour on his behalf.

Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 06:29

@snoopy18 I think this is what is worrying me so much too, it's never ever been on my radar to think my husband would act like this, and the first big row we have during my pregnancy and he acts like this. I'm just so confused. The thought of leaving is terrifying but I refuse to bring a baby up in an unhappy home.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2019 07:34

Is he horrified by what happened and quitting alcohol?

SnowyUnicorns · 28/12/2019 07:56

You had asked him to sleep in the spare room. Yes, pulling the pillow out etc was goading him but I can understand how furious you were when a very drunk husband rolled in at 5am and then collapsed into your bed. Trying to sleep next to someone who is drunk, snoring and stinks of alcohol when you are sober is never nice at the best of times, let alone when you are pregnant.

Pushing a pregnant woman out of bed is not acceptable. Lightly putting hands on your throat with the intention of intimidating and scaring you is not acceptable. I think you should discuss the incident with women's aid. I would call 111 and ask them to log the incident but not do anything at this stage.

If he wakes up and is very apologetic, agrees to cut right down on his drinking and acknowledges that he has behaved appallingly then I would give him one chance. He must cut right back on his drinking though and at the first sign of any abusive behaviour you must be ready to walk away from the relationship. The only reason I would give him one chance is because you said that this is completely abnormal for him and the first time it has ever happened. If there is any previous history of abuse then you must get away from him immediately before you end up a statistic and in hospital or dead. If he won't acknowledge that he has behaved badly now, walk away. If he puts so much as his little toe out of line if you give him one chance, walk away. You aren't just protecting your life. You have a baby to protect as well.

Abusive behaviour often escalates and you are vulnerable at the moment. Yes, being a single mum is a scary thought but that is far less scary than being killed by an abusive partner or raising a child in an abusive marriage.

Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 08:08

Thank you @snowyunicorns I will follow your advice. He isn't up yet and I'm just packing a bag to go and stay with at my brother's (he is on holiday so will have space to think clearly). Will come back when he is sober and thinking clearly.

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 28/12/2019 08:24

This is a great idea. Leave immediately, before he wakes. There is a really high % of domestic violence starts in pregnancy or just after birth as they think now you're trapped.
I'd think very very carefully back over the relationship to see if there are actually other incidents that could be controlling or him dominating you.
This is the first time he's physically threatened you. It won't be the last. And you'll moderate your behaviour now so it doesn't happen again.
If he isn't immediately horrified by his own behaviour and booking counselling for himself, I'd strongly recommend you separate now.

Regardless, do not become financially dependent on this man. Go back to work after maternity leave.

Always have a way you can escape.
Because there is always a next time.

Original poster
Question1245 · 28/12/2019 13:14

Have left now and come to stay at a friend's for a night or two. I left a very short note telling him exactly what happened last night, incase he doesn't remember, and I want him to know exactly what happened. I've temporarily made it so he can't contact me so we both have time to think about what happened and go from there.
Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
SnowyUnicorns · 28/12/2019 13:36

@Question1245 that sounds like a good plan. Hopefully he will wake up with a God-awful hangover and realise how appallingly he behaved. I think you need a bit of space to think about what you want to do which staying with your friend will give you. He ought to be panicking about losing you and his baby right now.

Well done on handling this horrid situation in a very level headed way.

chocolatelover9 · 28/12/2019 14:30

Your pregnant and he pushed you out if bed and out his hand on your throat and then your defending him?
It's the start of violence sorry to say.! True colours always come out when someone is drunk.! Keep yourself and the baby safe. Hope your ok, sending you 💐

mamato3lads · 28/12/2019 19:22

It was out of order ... very much so . Has he done this before ? If not I'd be inclined to make him understand how upset you are and as long as he is repentant, move on. Mixture of drink and you acting silly....dont care if I get shot down for that but you were being immature.
If this is totally out of character I'd try and move past it personally with the understanding he has crossed a major line

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 05:15

Good luck OP Flowers

Weenurse · 29/12/2019 05:18

Take care 💐

CodenameVillanelle · 29/12/2019 05:19

How are you today?
He may not have been violent before but does he often go out drinking until 5am?

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