Confused. Married to was OW

[Confusedorwhat]

I am very torn and need some help.
Me and DW are married and recently I came to know that she we OW with affair before marriage. I know it happened before but knowing now that what she was before making me sick. She said it was her body image and all that made her do
It and it is as that bloke’s fault. But when she had affair she was 22 and had masters degree. This has come to light after 28 years of marriage. Pls tell me

1. Is it just a retro active jealousy
2. Am I ver thinking of past
3. It’s normal

We have 2 DCs and now she is depressed claiming mental illness when that bloke conatacted start of the year to apologise what he has done. She showed the text. Blocked him off of I am completely torn. Please help

Sorry, to be clear, she had an affair before you were married?

No idea what masters has to do with it.

she's done everything she should, sounds like the guy contacted for his own purposes; You should focus on protecting her and your relationship

Couple of mistakes.
We are married for 18 years and she had done masters by then already, to give age maturity appropriation

I'd say you're bound to feel upset by her (over)reaction to him contacting her again.

Why would it bother her so much if it was all over so long ago?

Are there cracks in your relationship that the memory of this other relationship could have accentuated?

That was who she was 28 years ago. Doesn't mean that's who she is now.

Stop judging her. Would you be happy if she judged you over a bad decision you made nearly 3 decades ago?

What she did before meeting you has nothing to do with you tbh.

Has she ever cheated during your marriage?

We all make mistakes when we are young / inexperienced and stupid. Your DW made a mistake many years ago. Why do you want to keep beating her up about it? Have you ever made a poor choice, or a mistake? Even people with Masters degrees can do stupid things.

People have affairs at all ages so I think age is irrelevant.

If I understand correctly, she had the affair before you were together. If that is the case then you have no right or reason to be upset with her. She has been upfront about the person messaging so isn’t hiding anything and shouldn’t be punished for a mistake made 18 years ago.

@KellyHall every marriage has its ups and downs as everyone knows. I never had a girlfriend or anyone before I met her. So yes I am not 100% perfect. But you strongly believe in the institution of marriage and never would like to be cheating on other women. I read the thread on the OW and it makes me now after 18 years can I trust?

I second other posters, if it was before your time, you have no right to be upset over it.
He contacted her, she told you and blocked him, your focus should be on protecting your relationship, not using a past mistake as a stick to beat her with!!

I would think that after all those years of marriage, if she has been faithful, you have nothing to worry about.

When she was the 'other woman' she was a young, impressionable girl but it ended, she blocked him, so did the right thing in the end.

As someone else said, your wife is not the same person now as she was then.

We cannot hold someone's youthful past against them when they've had so many straight and good years since.

It’s been more than 20 yard ago.
Are you upset she wasn’t a virgin like you possibly thought she was?
She didn’t cheat on anyone.
She was 22 and dated a guy who cheated.
Not sure why you are so insecure in the relationship now. Has it been a good marriage so far?

I would be distrustful of a partner who has cheated with someone else previously.

But less so if it was 2 decades ago with no recurrences since then.

@MMmonDD I didn’t bother about the virginity thanks. But the thought of she didn’t bother to inflict the pain to the wife of that bloke is affecting me.

I live on morals. I may be wrong one many levels but would never hurt another living creature. Call it “Fear of Karma” and I am suffering from that.

It’s 18 plus years since this happened, nothing has happened since. She has told you about it when he contacted her again after nearly two decades and has blocked him. Surely that tells you it’s over, and you have nothing to worry about. She had, as she is entitled to, a life before you got together, just get on with your life together now and stop thinking about it

I call total BS on this thread

It was a long time ago, we all make mistakes we wish we could erase but can't. Try to stop thinking about it and just enjoy your life together.

She was the OW. She wasn't the cheater. Yes, being the OW is a fairly sucky thing to do but you don't know the full circumstances because it was before you were together. She may well have been told by the man that their marriage was over etc and that he was already planning to leave his wife. Even intelligent people with masters degrees can be gullible when they fall for someone. Even intelligent people can make mistakes.

Your DW learned from her mistake. She didn't repeat it with another man. She told you when he contacted her many years later. She regrets being the OW.

Don't put more guilt on her for something that happened so long ago when she already feels guilty anyway. Support her. Let her know that you love her. If she has depression, maybe she needs to see a counsellor to help her. Medication helps fix the chemical imbalance in the brain but it doesn't fix the route cause of depression. I think it would probably do you good to have a few counselling sessions as well so you get some perspective on dealing with something that happened before you met your wife.

*root not route cause 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yeah what Meggy said - I specially as I haven’t got the foggiest on what you are saying.
Trip trap trip trap

all that made her do It and it is as that bloke’s fault

You're difficult to read, but are you saying she said she was coerced or assaulted by him? Which would fit with her being triggered by his contact. If so, you're well out of order.

Otherwise I've no idea why you're going barmy over an event in her life before you even met.

What Meggy said. Your posts are very difficult to read and understand.

Anyone else suspect that OP was rather drunk when posting this thread? Suspect he won't return to the thread when he is sober.

@SnowyUnicorns your post comforts me. I am not running away and I am not a great articulate writer. I am trying to find some senses in myself why I am behaving like like this. I don’t want to put DW on guilt trips, but also want to know how the woman I trusted could have done this.
Thanks all posters for your replies

@confusedorwhat not everyone is an articulate writer, especially on subjects which they find emotional.

I really do think that as you obviously love your DW that you should both look into therapy. Together and separately. I think you will fiit helps you enormously. Best of luck.