Confused. Married to was OW

[Confusedorwhat]

I am very torn and need some help.
Me and DW are married and recently I came to know that she we OW with affair before marriage. I know it happened before but knowing now that what she was before making me sick. She said it was her body image and all that made her do
It and it is as that bloke’s fault. But when she had affair she was 22 and had masters degree. This has come to light after 28 years of marriage. Pls tell me

1. Is it just a retro active jealousy
2. Am I ver thinking of past
3. It’s normal

We have 2 DCs and now she is depressed claiming mental illness when that bloke conatacted start of the year to apologise what he has done. She showed the text. Blocked him off of I am completely torn. Please help

Your image of her has been shaken.

Yes, this is what infidelity does.

Time is immaterial and irrelevant. It absolutely rocks your world.

However: talk about it and ask her what her experience of it was and how it affected her.

IF she talks in terms of regret, self disgust and some awareness of harm caused ...
then it was an experience she grew by.
IF it ties in to other signs that she can tell porkies/a bit selfish ...

then that is a bit shaking for you OP.

You need to ask her why she did this to understand.

why did you marry her? The reason I ask is you have been with noone else. She has more experience than you do and it comes across that your expectations of her may be slightly obscured by it.

If it happened so long ago how come the man she had the affair with had her number and was able to text her?

Don’t be ridiculous. What she did before you met her is none of your business. What matters is who she has been during your marriage.

If it happened so long ago how come the man she had the affair with had her number and was able to text her?

Might have found her on Facebook and messaged her. 'Text' is just writing, not always just on a phone.

I'm actually shocked people say what a person did in the past it doesn't matter...it DOES matter. Why!? That way you know who that person actually is,what kind of character and personality it has. If it's on the same page with you when it comes to standards,morals and so on.
It's really important to know the person's good and bad life decisions.
I was a virgin when I got with my husband which had a lot of experience and did some things I personally don't like,but it all came down to me if I'm fine with it or not. I chose not to give a toss about it because he proved to be a total different person than he used to be.
She should've been honest and open with you from the beginning but now she proved she is a new person,totally changed from her old self. I understand it came as a shock to you but you need to see the whole picture not only that part that makes you rethink your entire life together.
To me,her behaviour shows she regrets the decisions she made when she was young and wanted to be honest with you which is perfect.
Sometimes truth hurts but in a relationship is really important to be honest with each other. Sometimes we hear things we don't like but we work it out as a couple.
If I would be you I would hug her and tell her everything is fine and if she needs your help with anything you are there for her..always.

Let it go

Could you clarify why this new knowledge affects your sense of trust in your dw?

Is that she didn't tell you previously?
Do you fear that she might be / have been unfaithful to you?
Is the moral principle of having been involved with a married man?

What exactly is troubling you?

It sounds like you are making a moral judgement on behaviour prior to your marriage. Would knowing she had been involved with a married man stopped you from marrying your wife?

I can see why he is annoyed.

I would be furious if I found out that someone I was with for a long time had started off a previous relationship has an affair partner. Doesn't matter about your age, it shows a distinct lack of empathy, shows they are selfish at heart, and I can't trust people like that. Anyone who has cheated or helped to cheat is off my list of people to date. There's far better people out there. Why would I lower myself to that?

He wasn't told this at the start, I'm also guessing that she lied about previous relationships and omitted this part. Showing she's learnt fuck all from it. If she had admitted it, that would at least show some learning and guilt. But not doing so? Bad move.

Not saying you should divorce her op. It's not that big, but it's not great either. Dunno what you can do really.

I'm actually shocked people say what a person did in the past it doesn't matterhmm...it DOES matter. Why!? That way you know who that person actually is,what kind of character and personality it has. If it's on the same page with you when it comes to standards,morals and so on.

They are probably hiding something themselves. If it doesn't matter, why wouldn't they be open to talk about it?

Plus I doubt their 'past doesn't matter' stretches to everything. Otherwise they would be happy being in a relationship with a murderer or paedophile. But then again there are some people out there who actually don't care about that sadly.

I suspect OP you place your wife on a pedestal. You thought you were with someone of similar moral standing to you.
Her shagging a married man show’s she isnt, or at least wasn’t. You’ve just found out so how long ago it happened doesn't really come into it.

She didn’t cheat. If she was single now maybe she would never be the OW again or maybe she would.

People’s morals can shift and bend and are not uniform. I think you should talk this through with someone because you are not really being fair on her.

I think your reaction is extreme, you seem to use 'black and white' thinking patterns.
Also, I'm concerned about your attitude towards your wife's depression. You seem to be very dismissive of it.

If your wife was 22, was she studying for her Masters, or had she already graduated? Thats very young. Was he one of her tutors?
If he has contacted her to apologise I'd suspect some coercion, which would explain her depression.

I think both of you need separate counselling to sort out your feelings, then relationship counselling.

OP - the woman you love and trust hasn’t don’t this..... Are you the same person now that you were 20+ years ago?

statute of limitations has run. You're being ridiculous.

Really?

That's bollocks, she was young and inexperienced. I can't believe this is bothering you 28 years later. Nothing to do with you or your relationship with her and noone is under any obligation to disclose everything that happened previous to a marriage to their spouse.

Now you know what type of person she is, you have some big decisions to make.

NameChange, she will not be the same now as she was all those years ago.

I certainly changed over the years and I'm sure you did. Things I might have done aged 20 I would never have considered at 35! There's a recklessness and naivety about young people, especially those who are not well guided as children.

That applies equally to men and women.

She had an affair with a married man in early 20s when single and now, over 28 years later, you are upset by it. If she was vulnerable maybe he even exploited her?

Are you looking for something to blame her for?

Bizarre reaction to something that happened before you were together

Confused wrote: that bloke conatacted start of the year to apologise what he has done.
......
That is significant, indicative that he was in control of the situation and manipulated her. He wouldn't be apologising otherwise.

Please put it behind you - it was behind her before you two got together! Dwelling on the past is not good for you mentally and you've said your wife is depressed over it. You appear to have a stable marriage and two children, they are more important than a youthful mistake.

He was married, she was young.
She did the right thing by telling you when he contacted her.

I think you're more upset that she was intimate with someone before you (and that it's affected your marriage in a tiny way) than the morals behind it.

People grow and mature. Dont judge her for something she did before she met you. It's none of your business.