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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Survivors of DV: what were the useful things that your friend said/did?

51 replies

Sockypuppet · 27/12/2019 22:33

My friend already knows that she has a room in my flat and unstinting practical support from me.

She's in a physically abusive relationship. He's bought a flat in her building to keep an eye on her.

She's in the throes of making excuses for him. She's far from her family and that's part of why this creep has managed to worm his way into her life.

She's asked me to be nice to him and I've said no. I've gently pointed out that his behaviour is abuse. But she is just not hearing it.

Part of me of course wants to shout, "Oh for the love of God stop letting yourself be held hostage to this nut."

For those of you who successfully got out of DV relationships, was there anything that a friend said that was helpful?

OP posts:
Bottler · 28/12/2019 05:09

I'm out in that I'm done trying to get through to you, I'm done with the premise of this thread.
If you know what DV is about, you wouldn't need to ask and then say that you don't want to be with her anyway.
Just don't bother asking if you know it all.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 05:12

So go find something else to do? Thanks.

OP posts:
Bottler · 28/12/2019 05:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 06:21

I've found her some local resources for DV support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 09:09

She and I had a pleasant morning and she's now gone in to work for a few hours.

I can see he's still blowing up her phone though. She's said that he wants us all to go out tonight. "He really likes you as a person". Ive said, "I'd rather just hang out with the two of us" but evidently he's already made plans?

I can see that he wants to sort of win me over as I'm the only one of her friends/family who's managed to come out for a visit thus far. He can be incredibly plausible and charming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 09:19

Sorry, that should read that she said to me, "He really likes you as a person".

OP posts:
12345kbm · 28/12/2019 12:27

He is going to try to get rid of you OP. He sees you as a threat, even if he's currently turning on the charm. His aim is to isolate his victim (your friend) because she is easier to control when she has no one to give her a different perspective. He's no doubt very manipulative, so be wary.

I get that you're trying to help but you sound quite impatient which will work against you in a DV situation. It's really a question of waiting it out.

Some practical things you can do:

  1. Photos of any bruises and keep a log of the abuse
  2. Get hold of information on DV organisations and the emergency services number in the country she lives, in case she contacts you after an incident
  3. Don't bad mouth him. It's ok to mention the abuse if she tells you about it but you will push her away if you try to split them up or bad mouth her abuser
  4. Women's Aid has some info on how to support a friend here: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else
  5. If you can gently pursuade her to speak to someone about the abuse, her GP, medical staff if she is injured, a DV organisation if will help build evidence and create a chink as DV thrives in secrecy. She'll become aware that she's embroiled in something toxic

She is the expert on her own life and only she knows what's going on regarding the relationship dynamics. Pushing her to leave could cause serious harm, so you need to step back, support her and be there when she needs you.

DV is very frustrating for the bystander and I sympathise with your position. Stay polite and friendly with him in case he takes it out on your friend later. Don't put yourself in any danger, if he starts to become abusive towards you, get away and stay away from him. Don't get enmeshed in their relationship, it's easy to do when you want to help someone.

Most of all, let your friend know that you love her, support her, will be there for her and she can contact you at any time. That you won't judge her.

Be prepared for her to leave and go back to him and be careful what you say if she does. It's easy to bad mouth him to her when they've split up but it will create an 'us against them' scenario which he will manipulate to his advantage. He's looking for any excuse to get you out of the picture OP.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 12:43

I agree and have done all that. Except I can't be "polite and friendly" with him. I won't sit in a restaurant asking him about his uni days. He isn't my old friend or the father of her children, it's a random psycho who has been abusing her for a few months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 12:54

I'm not saying I don't want to, I just literally can't.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 28/12/2019 13:16

And just tell her she can use my credit card for plane ticket
Be careful how you do this, you be the one to retain control over the card and buy the tickets.

Its not just him trying to win you over, she's doing it as well. She's at a stage in the cycle where you won't be able to get through to her. The best thing you can do is withdraw and wait a while. She isn't ready to hear you, let alone leave.
Its likely that after you leave, you wont be talking to her via text or email, it will be him. So insist on face to face phone calls or skype only.

Show her the Duluth wheel and explain that at the moment he is using intimidation and minimizing, he will go on to isolate her. Tell her you can't condone or support his, that you won't pretend everything is normal or OK because it isn't.

Tell her you are so upset about whats happening that you are leaving and ask her to join you.
Tell her that she can come to yours if she needs to and that you will help her get there.

www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/controlling-relationships/power-and-control-wheel/

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 14:32

Thank you. It's funny, my work relates to DV and while we're good friends anyway, a few months back she started campaigning really hard for me to come out here. When she was first telling me about the abuse I was like, "Okay... You know what I am going to say to that!"

OP posts:
snowballupahill · 28/12/2019 17:32

I took myself off to relate to get advice about how to fix my marriage TBH it wasn't that useful. What was they gave me a 'nice guy'/'nasty guy' list and it was eye-opening - I realised he ticked most of the nasty guy list..
Can you sign post her to support eg Womankind (my gp tried without mentioning dv - along the lines of 'its good to talk')
Having previously talked to them on and off for sometime (circa 18mths) it was helpful to have an independent perspective - I think you become 'numb' to the situation. They also give you a rating which is objectively helpful. Its also hard to get over some kind of barrier - ' this doesn't happen to people like me' - its the emotional abuse which is the most damaging and if he is clever that's what he'll use. Friends who I trust did give me the analogy - when he was being lovely and making an effort for once - of 'its just like when you are in the desert and someone offers you a sip of water - you are grateful but it won't help you survive because what you actually need is a glass of water' ie proper affection and care. I think it is extremely difficult to understand how disjointed your thoughts become when someone is playing with your mind and emotions and effectively controlling you; often without you being entirely aware that you are being controlled as you just make excuses for them all the time. You also lose your trust in yourself to make effective judgements/decisions.

snowballupahill · 28/12/2019 17:34

He's also effectively isolating her from support. She's probably asking you to me nice to him so that there are no repercussions later for her. Be polite. Organise something he will not want to come along to - girls night out - girls trip to beauty salon etc.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 17:57

Thank you snowball for sharing. That's really thoughtful. She kept saying, "Oh you have to meet all my friends!" Like last night we had plans to meet a group of her friends at a lounge, and then her phone blew up, and suddenly we were going home to watch a series and he had to come over because he has no TV. He's clearly driven everyone away.

Maybe it's a good thing I couldn't hide my shock. Like you say, a person gets numb to it. I offered her to come back to UK and stay with me.

OP posts:
heartheal · 28/12/2019 18:01

The absolute key thing was knowing I had somewhere to go. When I finally left I left very quickly and it was only possible as I knew I had another place to go to.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 18:04

Thanks for sharing. Yeah, I've told her she can live with me in UK, I'll buy her a plane ticket.

OP posts:
heartheal · 28/12/2019 18:05

Hopefully she will leave soon.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 18:13

I'm thinking to tell her brother. He's a good guy, I've known him for years. Maybe he could do a supriise New Year visit.

OP posts:
PaulRobinsonsWoodenLeg · 28/12/2019 18:20

My friend was in a DV relationship for 12 years but thankfully has left now. Until then, I listened and supported, didn't judge, and told her I would always be there for her if she needed my help. IME it's also important to provide perspective if the abusive partner is gaslighting. It took years for her to leave and while it was frustrating to watch I just had to keep supporting her until she was ready.

Also, as much as I hated her partner, I knew he was looking for any reason to keep me away from her. I didn't see him often but when I did I was always civil so he couldn't say I was rude or didn't like him. It was tough but you have to do it for your friend.

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2019 19:14

From what you've written I think you should show her the Karpman Drama Triangle, she is setting you up as the persecutor and him as her rescuer.
I wouldn't actually buy her a ticket at this point, just offer. She could be in the process of burning her bridges.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2019 19:16

I haven't been in your situation but I can sympathise. I think I would find it hard to be nice to him too. I think I would find it a little odd as they don't live together so 'leaving' takes on a different meaning than for a woman married to an abuser and living earth him and their kids. In my naivety I would probably not understand why your friend can't 'leave.'

All you can do I suppose is take the advice from others who have been through it and hope your friend finds the strength to move on Thanks

FraglesRock · 28/12/2019 19:22

I have no experience either, but in your shoes I'd probably say to her "I love you and worry about you, you've told me a man is hurting you and scaring you and you want me to go and out with him and be pleasant to him? Nope! I came to spend time with you and only you, so should I stay?"

Absolutely no idea if it's right but I'd struggle to validate her relationship and that's what she's asking you to do.

Peanutbuttermouth · 28/12/2019 23:07

Yes, I would tell her brother everything you know. Then tell your friend that you've told her brother. You could also drop into conversation with the abuser that you've spoken to her brother (no need to say what about). Men like this will only back off from the threat of other men.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 29/12/2019 13:47

Thanks so much you guys.

I'm home after a red-eye flight. Last night she disappeared for a random interval and then she texted me that her boyfriend wanted to take us to the movies and I should give him a second chance.

I texted back, "You guys enjoy the movie, I'm a little unwell." Just in case he was looking at her phone. Then I packed up and left. For some reason I was spooked that he would come to flat again. I ran into her alone in lobby so had the chance to tell her how frightened I was for her. I said," Come with me now if you want, or soon, just stay in my flat."

I'm going to talk to her brother today.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 29/12/2019 15:17

I'm glad your safe and you got to tell her the truth. Hopefully she'll turn up at your door soon

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