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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Survivors of DV: what were the useful things that your friend said/did?

51 replies

Sockypuppet · 27/12/2019 22:33

My friend already knows that she has a room in my flat and unstinting practical support from me.

She's in a physically abusive relationship. He's bought a flat in her building to keep an eye on her.

She's in the throes of making excuses for him. She's far from her family and that's part of why this creep has managed to worm his way into her life.

She's asked me to be nice to him and I've said no. I've gently pointed out that his behaviour is abuse. But she is just not hearing it.

Part of me of course wants to shout, "Oh for the love of God stop letting yourself be held hostage to this nut."

For those of you who successfully got out of DV relationships, was there anything that a friend said that was helpful?

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 27/12/2019 22:38

I haven't been in a DV situation, very luckily, but a friend was. I just kept repeating "I will always have room for you. No questions asked." I never once put pressure on her to leave him. I stood alongside her, as a safety net. Eventually she turned up, went back, turned up again and left him for good. She married a much nicer man.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 27/12/2019 22:42

I just did what you did and made sure my friend knew there was no time she couldn't call on me if needed. So the night it all kicked off and her dp attacked her, she came straight to mine, past two other friends houses at 3am where we let her in, put her up for the night and called the police to come and see her. Then I stood by her and spoke for her when it went to court.
She has moved on and now lives with a very nice man and is happy.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2019 22:45

They were always there and refused to be chased away, and never judged even after it ended.

looondonn · 27/12/2019 23:05

Great question - fled my bastard abuser after he injured both me and my 7 week old daughter

Few days before that my very kind diplomatic friend gently said 'I am going to name something and I hope this will not offend you - I fear you may be trapped'

She was the only one I trusted to confide in and those words stayed with me as she had sat and listened to me so many times with no judgement

Sadly she is also In a dv relationship
The fckwit smashed her into a glass door few months before I fled :(

Take good care of your friend - you sound like an amazing person
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

JoanBonJovi · 27/12/2019 23:06

Never say why don’t you leave. The question is why won’t he/she stop doing it.

Also never tell them to leave, because they won’t.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 03:27

Thanks.

I suppose this is a drip feed, so shout at me if you want, but this issue has only come to light because I've come to visit her in this city (intl expat city) where she's been living and working for a year now. I hadn't been hearing much from her and I thought maybe she was struggling, but I figured we'd have a catch up when I arrived. I'm staying at hers.

As soon as I landed she told me about this guy in her life and that we'd be meeting him that night. She also told me about the abuse, after he left, and I tried to just listen and gently call it what it is.

Yesterday he assaulted her in her car park at work and stole her phone. She got her phone back, came home, and told me they'd split up.

Then a few hours later she told me he was coming over to watch a series with us so could I please be nice to him because she'd promised him she would not tell me. I said no but that I would go to bed and let them watch their series.

I'm thinking to just cut my visit short if we're just going to be this guy's hostages. It's really alarming tbh. And just tell her she can use my credit card for plane ticket and stay in my flat for as long as she wants.

OP posts:
Bottler · 28/12/2019 03:37

Not judging me or telling me what to do.
Offering to come and sit with me when I was lonely if we'd split up.
Changing locks
Coming to court with me
Buying concealer for me
Not cutting me off if I went back to him

If you can build up a wall of support around her, she might not need him.

Bottler · 28/12/2019 03:39

Your instinct is to leave her with him. I can assure you that's not helpful. The more she knows and he knows that you're there, the stronger she'll get.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 03:45

Evidently my not seeing him is not acceptable and she's telling me not to judge him. She's like, "You don't want to see him for the rest of your visit? That's putting me in an awkward position, what do I tell him?"

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 03:46

So there is an element of me needing to get myself out of this crazy situation tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 03:47

She doesn't appear to have any friends here apart from him.

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Bottler · 28/12/2019 03:51

At least you've acknowledged that it's what's best for you that you want. You don't have to be his best mate to be present for her.

justilou1 · 28/12/2019 04:03

She is still frightened of repercussions. Not without reason. I would contact the police and have a chat. I would also get the fuck out of there. YOU don’t have to be in his presence, but he will guess why.

justilou1 · 28/12/2019 04:04

He has done a great job isolating her

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 04:06

I know right?

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Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 04:10

I'm sitting here shaking. This is all so alarming.

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surlycurly · 28/12/2019 04:21

Then see him. Gather information about him. At least when you are there she won't get hurt. Store away what he says and talk to her afterwards. She's clearly lost all perspective and maybe having you there to hear him will give her some confidence. Just now you're making her choose and her loyalty is telling her to choose him.

Honeybee85 · 28/12/2019 04:35

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for years. I was ashamed to admit what was going on behind closed doors. I told my mum the first time it happened but she said he was drunk, probably it wouldn’t happen again etc. On other occasions her response varied from being supportive to angry with me because I told her about it and it made her worried but I didn’t leave him.
She also said next time she saw bruises on me, she would report him to the police even without my permission. I hid them for a while after that because I wasn’t ready yet for that step.
Once after he attacked me again after a fight with her earlier that day she said she could imagine his behavior towards me because I was so annoying, had also been to her that day.

Be supportive of your friend, don’t judge her or make her believe ‘it isn’t that bad’.
Tell her she did nothing wrong, she deserves better and your door is always open if she needs a place to stay.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 04:41

I'm sorry to hear it.

Okay, I am doing that, saying unequivocally that it's not her fault and he's crazy and abusive.

I've said, "Would he even be trying this if your brother lived next door?"

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 04:47

Do I pack up and go?

Do I say "Ugh, no, let's have a break from dude. Can I meet your other friends?"

OP posts:
Bottler · 28/12/2019 04:52

Why would you say that to her? You know she's in an abusive relationship. Why are you trying to pretend that she's not? You say you'll provide unstinting support, yet you're not prepared to stay with her?

I'm out.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 04:55

Saying, "No I'd rather not hang with the guy who just assaultted you" is pretending she's not abused?

I'm sorry you're struggling Bottler.

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Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 05:02

I can't quit my job and stay here with her indefinite. Anyway I have a thirty-day visa.

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Bottler · 28/12/2019 05:02

I'm not struggling thank you.

You don't understand violent relationships if you think the physical beating is the only thing going on. The fear of it is what keeps her in line.

She's not carefree you know. She can't just decide to ditch him and go find some other friends. Lol. You sound quite innocent about DV.

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 28/12/2019 05:06

So it's about fear and isolation? You don't say!

I thought you were "out". Could you re-flounce?

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